To feel upset that she hasn’t messaged me about my surgery

[Tofeelupset]

I had two major, life-saving operations a few years ago due to medical negligence. It has left me with health anxiety and PTSD. I am due another surgery tomorrow which will require general anaesthetic and I’m really scared, especially as nobody is allowed to come in with me.

I fell out with my mum a couple of weeks ago, we’ve always had quite a toxic relationship and have always felt like her scapegoat, as a result we haven’t spoken since.

She is aware that I am having surgery tomorrow but hasn’t reached out to me, despite knowing I will be seriously anxious about it.

I feel sad that we haven’t spoken but she said some really awful things that I can’t forgive, however I’m longing for her to give me some comforting words, I feel very confused and just a bit let down!

AIBU to feel upset or am I being a big baby who needs to pull my big girl pants up and get on with it? I’m mid twenties.

I hope your surgery goes well. You will be in the best hands but I understand you will be scared and anxious, please do let people at hospital know this too.

If you have a taxic relationship with your mother anyway maybe it is time to realize you can not rely on her and move on a bit from it? Not an easy time to come to that decision I know but might be better for you long term.

Thank you @NeverHadANickname i appreciate it. I will definitely voice my concerns tomorrow. Just feeling really alone, luckily have the support of my partner and sister but it just feels like there’s an emptiness. Definitely time to look at the relationship. Xx

I am so sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Sadly your mothers past behaviour is highly likely to be a good predictor of how she'll be in the future. Right now you need to focus on self care and how you will cope well in the next 24 hours. Be sure and tell the hospital staff how you are feeling- they'll look after you. You can do this, you need to be your own best friend xxx

Aw, no, you're not being unreasonable. And definitely not a big baby! No matter how old or how difficult our relationship, it's so difficult to think our mum isn't in our corner for us. It's not rational but then our emotions rarely are. But it sounds like you've got some good people around you so concentrate on them and getting better.

You’re not being unreasonable but it also sounds like you won’t be able to get what you want and need from her. I hope over time you’ll be able to parent yourself (although this takes time and it’s sad when the parent isn’t able to do it). In the mean time, reach out to friends today/tomorrow or make the most of other older adults who can step in in a parental way for you.

Thank you for the kind words and reassurance everyone xx

I hope the surgery went well OP.

Me too. I hope you're doing well and you're soon on your way home where you can spoil yourself rotten. x