To have a low opinion of my in laws/ not make any effort with them

[UghhInLaws]

My son is 4 and a half and was diagnosed with autism 6 months ago. When he was age 2 – 3 it was the most difficult year of my life as he had no sense of danger and would bolt off outside. You could not take him to a supermarket as he would try to bolt off across a car park for example. Traveling with his was very difficult. Then there was the self harming with things like him head banging. I had to make sure I always had a pillow on hand. He was also violent when you told him no and I ended up with a black eye, a bust blooded nose, bust lips and bruises. He could not be left alone at all and would not sleep on his own she he was 24/7. He had a massive language delay and could not say anything more than single words. Then from age 3 – 4 it was the long process of him getting diagnosed with autism. It was the worse year of my life and I ended up on anti depressants. Lots of guilt and worry – am I doing the right thing to help him, could I be doing more, should I have got him diagnosed sooner, worry about the future etc.
My inlaws (Mil, Fil and DH’s brother and sister) have been zero help and make no effort with my son. They make no effort to see him either (Inlaws live 60 miles away. The last time DH’s siblings visited was last October). Even though it is even now difficult for us to travel more than 30 minutes with him due to safety issues (he will get out of his seatbelt for example). When Mil visits she mostly ignores my son as he does not behave the way she wants him to. This has improved since his diagnosis. Mil also continuously blamed our parenting for our sons behaviour and language delay from age 2. This has since stopped since his diagnosis. There has been no apology about this and she not only denies it when we bring it up she gives us a guilt trip (i.e I can't belived you think this of me etc). There is demands from my Sil about us visiting her and complains we don’t visit (she seems to think we should make all the effort). There was a week of texting DH complaining we were not going to her birthday garden party for example. At Christmas 2020 she tried to demand we break lock down rules and travel to Mil’s rental property and clean it as Mil was selling the house and was struggling juggling working, looking after GMIL and cleaning (Sil was not willing to lift a finger).

AIBU at this point to have a low opinion of them and make no effort with them?

This is why we have no contact at all with anyone from dhs family. Haven’t seen any of them for about 5 years now. I won’t tolerate anyone putting our son second (compared to their other grandchildren) or being intolerant of his autism / additional needs.

Well yeah, I can see why you aren’t their biggest fan. What does your husband think of all this?

Similar situation here and I took a long time to accept it, and fought against it. I have now disconnected, see them occasionally, don't sort meet ups or arrange birthday cards, etc for them. I wanted to be an equal part of their family but it never worked out. They've not treated my husband well either. You can't change people. I feel much more in control now although it is a shame it's worked out like this. No one can accuse me of not trying though, as I did for years.

My husband said his opinion of his mother has decreased alot due to her behaviour towards our son and her trying to blaim our parenting. I asked my DH if he thinks his mother is a good grandmother/ fit to be our son's grandmother and he said no she isn't.

Some people just aren't up to it. My husband's parents weren't great at raising him and his brother. And despite all my efforts to involve them in our 3 children's lives they just aren't interested. They a live within 30 minutes of us. We've seen them about 10 times in my children's time ,our eldest is 9.5 years old!
Sometimes it bothers me. Other times I just think they're the ones that have missed out on having a relationship with these great little people!

they don't sound worth much hassle op as they're not willing or able to take on board the reality of your situation.
I wonder if giving your mil a book on autism might help her understand the situation a bit more?

Have you posted about this before? Would you have had to travel by train to clean the house?

I don’t think anyone would say you are being unreasonable - your in laws suck.

but, as an aside, I noticed in your post you sound very alone in this. There is no we - just I when discussing dealing with your son and getting the diagnosis.

does your husband need to step up? You should be a team here - you aren’t the only parent.

Well, there you go. Go NC with the pathetic bastards and live your lives happily in the knowledge that you dont have to worry about any of them.

Mellowyellow222 Yeah I have wrote about the house cleaning before. I could write a whole long thread on my Sil's entitled behaviour. My DH does not see a problem with it but I assume that's because he is so used to it.
My husband helps out but I am a sahm and can't work due to having to care for ds so it falls alot more on my shoulder.

Unfortunately can't go NC with them as DH does not see an issue with how uninvolved his siblings are or his sisters behaviour. He finally sees the problem with Mil due to her always saying ds's behaviour was due to our parenting.

Well you go NC and let him facilitate that relationship. You'll find you're all NC before long.