When you don’t feel the same way… as a friend

[ChilliPB]

This probably sounds really mean but how do cope with a friendship where you just don’t feel the same as the other friend?

I’ve been friends with someone since school, who although I mostly like and want to stay friends with - I have very little in common with her and find her sometimes quite difficult to be around (she’s very preoccupied with her own life and shows little interest in mine).

She is a nice person though and I wouldn’t want to upset her.

She wants to see me more than I want to see her (can only take her in small doses). She wants to organise dates/weekends away etc and I find I either go along with things but don’t enjoy it or make excuses.

What to do?!

See her as much as you actually want to and she will naturally find someone to fill the gaps or replace you.

Yes be busy. I have one of these, ‘preoccupied with her own life’ is a good description. It’s draining when it’s so one-way, don’t feel bad.

Yes it’s very one way! I guess I'm just also finding it draining to keep making excuses but I don’t know if honesty is going to be a good option here…

What she will do is ask ‘when are you next free’ rather than ‘are you free this weekend’ so it’s difficult to say I’m busy. Once I gave her a couple of dates I was ‘next free’ and she said ‘great, can we do both?’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

People will say ‘tell her straight’ but if you can save someone’s feelings while getting the result you want, why wouldn’t you. Do you live near each other? If this is mainly over messages and meeting up in person every so often, that’s maybe easier to drift away from rather than if you’re local to each other.

The trouble with living far apart and seeing each other in small doses, is then those small doses are super potent and the meet ups can be so intense!

I have a draining ‘best’ friend who never shuts up about her problems, slights and perceived slights. It’s exhausting.
I have over time withdrawn and she has filled the gaps with other people. It’s been easier than fully cutting ties which would have been awkward.

Oh god that’s a nightmare 😄 can you fob her off with a ‘crazy busy at the moment’ (as I do have a life which you never ask about) ‘but I’ll let you know!’……. Then just wait… I don’t know, I need this advice myself 😄 hopefully someone will come and advise.

I’m not clear on how someone you say is so preoccupied with her own life and uninterested in yours can nonetheless also want to spend weekends away with you, and put such effort into seeing you?

Because she wants someone to vent to and dump her crap onto.

Yeah I agree definitely, I don’t want to upset her. I just want to quiet things down and distance myself and hope she finds someone to fill the space really.

We don’t live close together actually so it can be a bit intense when I’m nearby her (my home city) and she wants to text/call a lot too.

This sounds like my friend! How did you go about withdrawing?

I’ve done this yeah and it’s worked to a point - she then tries to plan ‘bonding time’ for us to spend a weekend together etc.

Exactly as @MassiveSalad22 said. She talks AT me about her life and she’s not really interested in me. There are plenty of people like this really.