Feel inferior to this woman

Dontsayaprayerformenow · 2022-06-28T14:32:57+00:00

It's somebody my partner works with, she's mid 20s and I'm early 30s. She just seems so 'together' and for some reason makes me feel insecure. I'm slim, but she's very slim (stupid I know) She got firsts in her Degree and Masters whereas I got a 2:2 (i know I'm really picking at straws) She drives I don't, she has a bigger home than me. She's in a management position and I'm not (probably on a little more than I but not tons more) Just seems very self assured and never comes across badly, very assured at her job. Just has a very 'professional' manner about her, but also very liked, and my partner seems to have a lot of respect for her. I know it's irrational and my problem, she hasn't done anything unkind towards me, I just feel like I'd never match up and that my partner has 'settled' for me instead. I know comparison is the thief of joy.

PetersRabbitt · 28/06/2022 15:36

Sounds like you fancy her more than your partner! 😉
Dont worry, just because you think it doesn’t mean your partner does, she may also think your the one that’s together.

Ducksinthebath · 28/06/2022 15:38

It’s good you acknowledge this is your own issue. You desperately need to take steps to understand why this has you feeling so low. The mere existence of another person different from you shouldn’t be an issue so work on the real issue at hand.

steviewiththecankles · 28/06/2022 15:45

Is your partner doing/saying anything that makes you feel jealous?

Original poster

Dontsayaprayerformenow · 28/06/2022 15:54

He isn't really, he tries to make me feel included, I can just tell there's a lot of respect there and hopefully not more than for me.
She also has a cute dog too, of course.
Just seems to really 'have it all' for only mid 20s.
There's a thing she does where she speaks to you as if you're much younger too, which is odd.

OP posts:

Wob · 28/06/2022 15:55

Well, I'm in my mid-20s, I'm in a highly-paid job, I'm married to a very attractive man (who's smart and funny and interesting), I got a first in my undergrad and a distinction in my master's. I think I'm pretty friendly and get on well with my colleagues. I'm reasonably physically attractive when I go out and have done my hair and make-up and am wearing a good outfit.

On the other hand, I bombed my A levels, I don't really have many friends from outside of work or when I was at school, I don't have "mum friends". I'm exhausted 99% of the time. I have some pretty significant scarring that isn't in a visible location and I have a hidden disability than I only tell people about on a need-to-know basis. If my hair and make-up aren't done and I'm chilling in my pjs then I look like a troll.

The world only knows about the first paragraph. You're judging her by her first paragraph and judging yourself by both of your paragraphs... if you write a list of all the good things about you and ignore all the negatives, you'll realise how great you are too.

Polecat07 · 28/06/2022 16:00

@Wob This is lovely, nothing to add but listen to this OP, I think it's very true.

ichifanny · 28/06/2022 16:04

All those things you feel insecure about are things you want for yourself , you are projecting .

Indig0Manta · 28/06/2022 16:07

Nobody is perfect

Nobody is good at everything

steviewiththecankles · 28/06/2022 16:13

The comparison then is coming from you. Maybe look to change some things that you aren’t happy with. Learn to drive? A job with advancement potential? Work on your self esteem.

carefullycourageous · 28/06/2022 16:16

I agree with @Wob . I was told 'never judge your insides against someone else's outsides'.

Be wary if your partner starts to make you feel insecure though, that is a separate issue!

GalactatingGoddess · 28/06/2022 16:18

What @Wob said x

Loveisnotloving · 28/06/2022 16:22

Wob · 28/06/2022 15:55

Well, I'm in my mid-20s, I'm in a highly-paid job, I'm married to a very attractive man (who's smart and funny and interesting), I got a first in my undergrad and a distinction in my master's. I think I'm pretty friendly and get on well with my colleagues. I'm reasonably physically attractive when I go out and have done my hair and make-up and am wearing a good outfit.

On the other hand, I bombed my A levels, I don't really have many friends from outside of work or when I was at school, I don't have "mum friends". I'm exhausted 99% of the time. I have some pretty significant scarring that isn't in a visible location and I have a hidden disability than I only tell people about on a need-to-know basis. If my hair and make-up aren't done and I'm chilling in my pjs then I look like a troll.

The world only knows about the first paragraph. You're judging her by her first paragraph and judging yourself by both of your paragraphs... if you write a list of all the good things about you and ignore all the negatives, you'll realise how great you are too.

So refreshing to read.

Lovetogarden2022 · 28/06/2022 16:26

You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Most of the people I know who look very 'together' in their mid twenties are going through hell behind the scenes. I'd expect it's your own insecurities manifesting in something else. I wouldn't worry and I don't think you're being 'unresasonable' either :)

AmericanWerewolf · 28/06/2022 16:32

You’ve summed it up 💯@Wob

we show the world our ‘public face’ which may be super-polished but there’s much more to us all than that!

10HailMarys · 28/06/2022 16:47

@Wob Bang on. We never see a full picture of anyone. Most of us try to present the best version of ourselves, not the worst.

Also @Dontsayaprayerformenow, even if this woman is as great at her job and attractive as you think she is, I can 100% guarantee you that she has all the same insecurities and imposter syndrome and anxieties that everyone else does. I bet she doesn't look in the mirror and think 'Wow, how great do I look?' and I bet when she has to email work to her boss she checks it a zillion times and convinces herself it's totally shit and that one day she'll be found out somehow.

SmileyPiuPiu · 28/06/2022 16:48

Why do you know so much about her?

HerTableLaid · 28/06/2022 16:51

I get slightly impatient with the ‘she’s boiling over with hidden insecurities’ narrative — maybe she is exactly as together, level-headed, clever, confident and professional etc as she seems? We just need to deal with other people being or doing better than us sometimes.

CallOnMe · 28/06/2022 16:55

YABU
We all achieve different things at different times.

I’m the same age as you.

I have friends who got married and had families young who people are envious of but they now feel they missed out and settled too early.

I also have friends who had their head screwed on and did their A levels, uni and have a high flying job but they feel they didn’t take enough time to enjoy themselves whilst they were young.

I know people who did enjoy themselves whilst they were young way too much and now they’re early 30s they’re panicking that they’re going to struggle to be able to get a mortgage or start a family.

I had a baby as a teen. So everything was delayed for me and I went to college and uni as a mature student and gave only been driving a couple years.

I do think about what would have happened if I didn’t have a baby so young - would I be really successful and well off - maybe.
But actually it was having a child so young that made me want to go to uni etc.

Everything happens for a reason.
It may not be the exact timeline that we thought it would be but that’s because we were busy doing other things instead.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2022 16:59

There's a thing she does where she speaks to you as if you're much younger too, which is odd. I think the word you're looking for is patronising not odd.

Do you wish you'd done more on your kids or so you worry your partner thinks. She's comet than you?

tttigress · 28/06/2022 16:59

How did you get into a conversation about what degree mark she got?! If someone asked me that I would find it a bit odd (but I no longer live in the UK, so no one really knows about 2:1s 2:2s etc.)

AryaStarkWolf · 28/06/2022 17:06

Wob · 28/06/2022 15:55

Well, I'm in my mid-20s, I'm in a highly-paid job, I'm married to a very attractive man (who's smart and funny and interesting), I got a first in my undergrad and a distinction in my master's. I think I'm pretty friendly and get on well with my colleagues. I'm reasonably physically attractive when I go out and have done my hair and make-up and am wearing a good outfit.

On the other hand, I bombed my A levels, I don't really have many friends from outside of work or when I was at school, I don't have "mum friends". I'm exhausted 99% of the time. I have some pretty significant scarring that isn't in a visible location and I have a hidden disability than I only tell people about on a need-to-know basis. If my hair and make-up aren't done and I'm chilling in my pjs then I look like a troll.

The world only knows about the first paragraph. You're judging her by her first paragraph and judging yourself by both of your paragraphs... if you write a list of all the good things about you and ignore all the negatives, you'll realise how great you are too.

Great post Wob, this is true for so many people as well, most people have a "front" for the public/colleagues/acquaintances

Dacquoise · 28/06/2022 17:11

Wob · 28/06/2022 15:55

Well, I'm in my mid-20s, I'm in a highly-paid job, I'm married to a very attractive man (who's smart and funny and interesting), I got a first in my undergrad and a distinction in my master's. I think I'm pretty friendly and get on well with my colleagues. I'm reasonably physically attractive when I go out and have done my hair and make-up and am wearing a good outfit.

On the other hand, I bombed my A levels, I don't really have many friends from outside of work or when I was at school, I don't have "mum friends". I'm exhausted 99% of the time. I have some pretty significant scarring that isn't in a visible location and I have a hidden disability than I only tell people about on a need-to-know basis. If my hair and make-up aren't done and I'm chilling in my pjs then I look like a troll.

The world only knows about the first paragraph. You're judging her by her first paragraph and judging yourself by both of your paragraphs... if you write a list of all the good things about you and ignore all the negatives, you'll realise how great you are too.

Beautifully written 💐

Thunderrr · 28/06/2022 17:14

Have you posted this before?
Nobody is perfect. If you want these things for yourself go and get them but we all have our priorities and choices in life.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 28/06/2022 17:15

@wob is so right.

The other question is "what is this telling me about how I feel about myself"? Is it telling me that I really want to achieve X or y (really want to learn to drive or want a promotion)? That I don't feel there is enough in my life (do I need a new goal or hobby?) Is it telling me I'm not secure in my relationship (and why?)? Or is it telling me that I generally as an overall rule feel I am not good enough, in which case could I benefit from therapy?

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 17:28

I also agree with @Wob
Appearances are deceiving. I've experienced the odd woman displaying jealous/wierd behaviour toward me when I've got MH issues and also look like a troll in the morning. It's smoke and mirrors as I wear a shit ton of make-up and put on a brave face most days. It baffles me as I'm a big softy and often get judged on my looks. I make effort because I'm insecure and couldn't deal with being seen so bare faced. If they seen me first thing or having an anxiety attack they might think different