To hate my own face?

[Aguanatural]

I’m so ugly, and recently I’m getting really depressed over it.

inhave a huge nose and tiny mouth, a million child, hooded eyelids (think saggy, not Blake Lively type). I have big cheeks and I’m skinny fat.
my teeth are yellow and like tombstones and I have such deep wrinkles and huge eye bags due to lack of sleep from the kids even though I’m only 32. I see other women around me that look fresh faced, no wrinkles etc even though they have kids.

I can’t afford to do much, like have my teeth done or buy expensive creams. I use moisturiser and sunscreen every day. I feel confition my hair with some cheap stuff from the supermarket and I clean my teeth and get dentist checks - they’re healthy, no fillings etc, just yellowing and cramped. I have brown skin on my upper lip where I have been waxing my stupid moustache for years. I just put some make up on and cried in the mirror, I look like a little girl playing in her mums make up.

I know the answers is to ‘love yourself’ but I can’t. I don’t know what to do, I’m starting to avoid mirrors, photos and even intimacy with my husband. He must be so gutted that I’m so ugly these days.

How do you learn to be comfortable with what you see?

If you’re so unattractive how did you manage to find a husband and have kids? People like you drive me insane.

I'm weird looking and overweight but I like how I look and feel more attractive than I know I objectively am. Mostly I put this down to having a loving family, being really into my work which boosts my self-esteem, and socially being more interested in other people than myself - I'd always rather listen and talk about them than focus on me. I'm not saying any of this to blow my own trumpet, but hopefully to show how much it's about mindset and self-worth, not about looks. Could you get some hypnotherapy to readjust your thinking and preoccupations? Then consciously work on raising your self-esteem rather than physical fixes. We're all going to end up losing whatever 'good looks' we have anyway, so better to get past the superficial realm to what really matters.

I felt like that about myself. I had tetracycline staining on my teeth and a phobia of the dentist. I've now had composite bonds put on the four front teeth. They look great and I feel completely different about myself. I don't notice any of the other "flaws" any more. I'm completely different in the way I think about myself and because I'm more confident and open I've noticed a change in the way others react to me.
I had my composite bonds done in Eastern Europe, by a fantastic dentist. This saved an awful lot of money compared to UK prices.

If you can scrimp and save enough to improve the look of your teeth that might make you feel a lot better. Easier said than done of course, but there are dental treatments which can be done without costing the earth (a full set of veneers is very expensive for example)

A couple of other things I just remembered that may (or may not) be helpful.

There's an acting exercise where actors look at each other's faces and pick a feature then imagine themselves falling in love with that feature. It's interesting because it shows how much is in the mind, and it's what you're doing except that you're looking at yourself and hating your teeth and nose etc etc. Just as an exercise, you could try doing the opposite, even if you don't believe it the brain chemicals can still get released that make you feel better and the more you do it, the more you can learn to discount the other voice with its negative perspective.

Related to that, it can help to characterise that other voice, give it a name, so you don't mistake it for 'the truth' or 'the real you' because it's not. It's just one angle. So if you call it Bob or whatever, and you hear it telling you your face is ugly, you can at the very least recognise that this is just Bob doing his thing, which he will, but you don't have to listen to him and can switch to Susan telling you nice stuff. Which you might reject, but still, you're making moves towards understanding that you don't actually hate your own face. It's a mindset you've got into but you're making steps to deal with that and can get on with more important things.

Well we can't see you but if it helps other people won't be inspecting your face with the same scrutiny so likely won't notice any of it. I know I don't stare at people that closely! You've got young kids and are probably sleep deprived as a result, nobody looks their best when sleep deprived. Once they grow up a bit I'm sure you'll be looking more like yourself

Why? Because I should be grateful that a man wanted to have sex with me?

I’m not basing how I feel about my looks on whether a man finds me attractive. This is deeply personal and I hate what I see in the mirror and I’m miserable about it. I don’t see why that irks you?

Sorry to have only replied to the negative comment so far, I am going to read slowly through all the others when my toddler goes down for a nap. Thank you to everyone replying. Just really struggling this morning after I got up early and puton make up and then saw myself.

So sorry to hear of anyone else going through the same thing. It’s so hard when you avoid your own face all the time because you can’t stand it anymore.

If you’re not happy with something then do something about it, there’s no point wasting your life complaining about it.

This reminds me of that Boots ad when they asked women to describe themselves to a sketch artist and then their friends did the same. The difference was staggering.

Do what? I have no money to change my face. I can’t magic myself to be someone else? So what do I do?

You have described an exaggerated caricature of "ugliness" and I bet the picture it gives is nothing like how you actually look.

I knew people will say everyone is beautiful in their own way blah blah but it's so true that the way you feel affects your perception of yourself. I'm happy and confident these days. I'm 48 but I look in the mirror and think "you're all right girl, not bad for an old bird". But the other day my kids found an old passport photo of me when I was 18 and they were all "oh wow mum you used to be so beautiful" but I felt really queasy looking at it because I was so insecure in those days, hated my looks and thought I was sooo ugly. I fixated on my flaws and convinced myself they ruined the whole of my looks. But everyone has flaws! I have loads more now but I look in the mirror and focus on the good bits.

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️It’s your face, your life, your responsibility. If you’re not happy then find a way to do something about it.

Ah cool, why didn’t I think of that amazing advice.

ThisisMax I love your post - when I read down to you saying you were a superstar guy it made me smile!
I somewhat relatedly started saying entirely upbeat things whenever I looked in the mirror in front of my daughter. E.g. I'd say 'obviously I look awesome either way, but I'm just wondering which shoes would go best' rather than anything anxious or negative. Ridiculously, saying it has made me start to believe it, and it is somehow really fun just to go around life feeling positive about yourself.

OP, I know how you feel. I’ve had body confidence coaching which has really helped. Look up acceptance and commitment therapy, there are lots of books out there.

So OP I guess what I mean is that you can try to think of yourself positively - fake it if need be - and that might make you feel more positive without you needing to change your looks at all.
To start with, please tell us one thing about yourself that is great - whether looks or personality.

Um, I think I’m a good mum? I’ve been told that I am…I hope I am anyway.

I don’t know that there is much else I like about myself as a person either to be honest. I’m not funny or really kind or charming. I guess maybe this isn’t just about looks but liking myself in general. I just don’t.

Hey op. I have a big nose but when I've pointed it out everyone has looked surprised. I've been conscious of it my whole life. However, one of my nieces I can see has the same nose as me and she looks beautiful.

Some of it is just styling. The right haircut, the right cut of clothes (I am pear shape and in some clothing I look really fat and in others curvy - I need to accentuate my waist. Whereas some friends have beautiful slim legs but a thicker middle so they suit different shaped clothes). Some clever make up. I look tired and my eyes look smaller without make up. But I don't wear much and maybe sometimes you can't really tell I'm wearing any. But it makes a big difference.

I bet if you talk to any of the women you think are good looking, they would come up with a long list of stuff they are insecure about.

Maybe for your birthday you could get a styling and colour session? Go to a make up counter in a department store and get them to apply your make up and if you like it then buy it and practice.

What a very insightful contribution.

Some good skin care and make up advice might be a good idea. I’m always worried they’ll go for the hard sell and I’ll end up spending a lot more than I can afford

There are around 7billion types of beautiful on this planet and count yourself as one of them, this type of physical beauty is something we don't have much control over, and those who have taken control of it, surgery, heavily curated looks, do you ever think they radiate happiness? It's hard to accept what we've been dealt of we feel it falls short, but it's a tiny tiny part of who you are, and if it's the thing people, including you, are judging your entire worth on then they are missing the bits that really count the bits we can control, gratitude, seeing joy, caring for others, seizing all the opportunity we can in life not taking the gift of it for granted. You sound like you care more for others than you do for yourself which makes you empathetic and compassionate in my book, but self compassion is important too, I bet people love a gentle self effacing person like you, you try loving you too 💗

I guess maybe this isn’t just about looks but liking myself in general. I just don’t.

This is key and really important that you're understanding this is the real issue. We're often raised to feel that liking ourself is itself a flaw, that it makes us arrogant and dislikable, so we can be pre-disposed to feel bad about ourselves and then the slings and arrows of life can compound that. But being a good mum is a good start. What else do you enjoy doing? Can you do more of that? Doing things of value every day enhances our self worth, however small and insignificant they may seem. Even litter-picking gives my mum a big lift!

I'm sorry you feel this way. I think it is possible to change how you feel.

I am not a big head, but I just think I'm alright. For example, a colleague told me they were ill and I said I will pick up some bits for them. That is a nice thing to do. I'm never going to win a Nobel Peace Prize but overall I am an alright person doing mostly alright things.

When you think about all the absolute twats there are - starting with the government just now - I bet you are a good egg.