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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think not paying maintenance should be grounds for blocking contact

184 replies

Whypaymumwillsavetheday · 28/06/2022 02:34

I’ve always gone along with ‘the child’s right to contact with their parent comes before any disputes over money’, ‘maintenance isn’t linked to contact’ ‘it’s not pay per view’. I’m now starting to think it is not in the best interests of a child to have a relationship with a parent who is unwilling and/or unable to provide the basic necessities. If I was to disregard my child’s needs in the same way, there would likely be serious intervention from social services. What is the difference?

OP posts:
Crispyturtle · 28/06/2022 21:31

I don’t think it’s up to one parent to decide whether a child gets to have a relationship with the other parent (abuse notwithstanding).

When your child is older and asks why they don’t see their dad, would you be happy to tell them it was because they didn’t give you any money?

blackheartsgirl · 28/06/2022 22:22

Nothappyatwork · 28/06/2022 19:02

But they won’t call him out on it. They’ll accept the crumbs that he fix their way and think the sun shines out of his arse.

Mum is held to a far higher standard

Show quote history

Dd15 already has called him out on it. She’s a very independent and switched on teenager. She saw a lot of bad stuff when me and her dad were together and is under no illusion that her dad is an idiot.

dd3 on the other hand…

Isaidnoalready · 28/06/2022 22:25

Crispyturtle · 28/06/2022 21:31

I don’t think it’s up to one parent to decide whether a child gets to have a relationship with the other parent (abuse notwithstanding).

When your child is older and asks why they don’t see their dad, would you be happy to tell them it was because they didn’t give you any money?

Truthfully my 22 year old knows part of the reason she stopped seeing her dad was over money that and drugs I insisted he was straight and reasonably sober when he came to see her however he was always desperate for money he would steal from me he stole from her money box (let daddy borrow this till next week I will pay you back I promise etc) he would pay me child support in cash then spend the next hour "going to the toilet" trying to find my purse upstairs to take it back he was a nightmare once I told him return the money or I'm calling the police so he refused to come see her as he was "scared" of me so he stopped seeing her and of course he stopped paying because I "was abusive" and would clearly waste the money nothing to do with his constant theft I has to keep my cards and purse on me at all times in my own home! I couldn't let him take her out the house he took her to a drug dealers house and got high the one time I let him so technically yes he didnt see her because he firmly believed every penny anyone had was for him and his drugs

and no he didn't have a drug problem when we were together he developed one after she was born and went downhill rapidly after we split up

cheninblanc · 28/06/2022 22:29

It's difficult so what I did when they were old enough was tell them when it wasn't paid. Half their pocket money came from me and half from maintenance, so when it was missing they were missing half. Mind you 3 years ago he decided not to be involved, but has recently been back I touch with them for how long who knows

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/06/2022 22:29

Equity in your scenario would mean that refusing or restricting contact results in no child support being paid.

Move away and make it impossible to see the child every Wednesday? That's a third off the payments. Impossible to get from work in time to pick up the child on a Friday afternoon and drop them off at school on Monday? Lose some more. Non resident parent is on a low wage/UC and unable to afford £120 one way on the train? Not a penny.

AnneElliott · 28/06/2022 22:37

I would criminalise non payment of CMS and send the offender to prison. That would mean non contact in any event.

LegInLegOut · 29/06/2022 02:25

@Nothappyatwork We don't know for sure if some can afford to pay or not, some people don't care either.
Of course there are always going to be none resident parents who can afford to pay but choose not to.
Not allowing the kids to see the none resident parent on the basis of whether the maintenance is paid or not is punishing the kids for something that isn't their fault.

Nothappyatwork · 30/06/2022 09:07

LegInLegOut · 29/06/2022 02:25

@Nothappyatwork We don't know for sure if some can afford to pay or not, some people don't care either.
Of course there are always going to be none resident parents who can afford to pay but choose not to.
Not allowing the kids to see the none resident parent on the basis of whether the maintenance is paid or not is punishing the kids for something that isn't their fault.

We do have a very robust system that allows us to access either self-assessment of PAYE tax returns that would ascertain in no one certain terms whether someone can pay.

it seems little known on mumsnet that if the income and the lifestyle do not add up you can go back to the family court and get a court order for payment, if you will ever see the money or not is another matter but it is possible.

Isaidnoalready · 30/06/2022 09:39

AnneElliott · 28/06/2022 22:37

I would criminalise non payment of CMS and send the offender to prison. That would mean non contact in any event.

Absolutely agree children are not pay per view but they are not free either non resident parent should pay

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