To ask if this is normal?

[CoconutSky]

Just for background we have been together 5 years with a 18 month old DD.

My partner works, only started in the last 3 months. I do not. Prior to that we had a joint UC claim. I’m starting college in September to study an access course hopefully going on to a midwifery degree.

there are some deductions to the UC claim so the agreement was whatever is left I can keep. After rent comes out I am left with £198, I receive £84.70 from child benefits and my partner gives me £30 a week.

He has told me today I shouldn’t be spending any of my “benefits” on myself. I have to pay gas electric food and broadband. He pays his phone bill, mine is PAYG so only £10 a month.

in the past he has been quite bad for borrowing money from me with coercion and never giving it me back. I worked before DD was born and he didn’t so I was essentially funding him then and he was taking quite abit from me for his own stuff

He has told me the money I get off the government isn’t mine so he has a right to take it and I should only spend it on bills, food and DD.
I said ok and I understand but I’ve found myself not going out anymore as I am in dire need of new clothes and my shoes are tatty. I don’t have the opportunity to get my hair or eyebrows done as 1) I can’t afford it and 2) it will cause arguments. I don’t want to leave my house as I am well aware I look worn and scruffy.

he has told me to get a job but I can’t afford rent bills food and nursery which he has told me I would have to pay. I don’t have childcare to watch my DD for a weekend or evening job either as he has said that’s his time to chill and he’s been on his feet all day. DD is 2 soon and with my college course I’ll get childcare too so I’m happy to be going back to education to better myself but he’s making me feel worthless and useless. I get told I’m constantly sat on my arse and I’m not I do tend to chill and watch a movie or a shower and wash hair when DD has a nap as it’s the only time I can get to myself to do it but I’m not lazy I do everything in the house but sometimes I do let the mess build which I get why he is mad

I’m really sorry this is so long winded as I haven’t really stopped to think that this isn’t normal, but I don’t think it is. I see SAHM and none of them look scruffy and tatty with worn clothes like me, they have days out and stuff still

sorry I’m rambling I just don’t know whether this is what I should be experiencing or not

You need to be getting rid of your abuser OP

I didn’t know it was abuse. I feel a fool

None of this is reasonable. Your partner is abusive financially and emotionally.

Why do you have to pay for rent, food and nursery? He lives in your home eats the food and this child is his responsibility too. Personally I'd kick him out and go it alone he sounds like a complete arse.

Re going onto do a midwifery degree that's great and I wish you all the best. I am a midwife and I can tell you now you are going to need a whole lot more support than you are getting now.

It is a very academic course with shift work on top. In your current circumstances I honestly can't see this happening for you.

OP in no way shape or form is anything in your post right. Leave him asap. Give women's aid a call for some advice.

@Thedogscollar ah you have got my dream job I’m so jealous. I can’t wait.

I do have a really good family who have said they’ll help me during my degree with childcare as my mum will be retired by next year so I’m really grateful for that

You are not a fool OP. Abuse comes in many forms. Look into what help you can get as a single parent.

Do you have family that can help out with childcare if you are accepted at uni and for help with childcare at night as you will do nightshift on your placements too.

This is abuse CoconutSky. You need to get a plan in place to leave. You said your family will help with childcare, will they support you to leave?

wow he's a scumbag

Hi Coconut.
Yes it is a lovely job but has a huge amount of pressure with it especially now as staff numbers have diminished with covid.

Great that you have family that can help as you will be depending on them a lot. Please see that this is not a normal relationship with your partner you do not treat or speak to someone you love like he treats you.

Good luck you can do this but not with him. X

OP, this IS financial and emotional abuse. Nothing that you describe is normal. It sounds awful. He sounds awful.

Go now - he is what he is, and it's not your job to fix him. A much happier life can be yours.

Leave him (or get him to leave) and claim alone. He is financially controlling you.

You are not a fool. He has made you feel like this. He is your abuser and you are his victim.
Break the link. Remove yourself from this horrible drudge of a life and be free. Not only that, remove the influence he has over your child who witnesses his behaviour as normal. So - he's abusing her too if you think about it.

No, not normal. He's an abusive shit. Get rid

This is abuse. You need to leave him.

Make a great life for yourself and child.