How to deal with not crying in public

[Strugglingtodomybest]

Forgive me if this ends up quite confusing, I'm finding it difficult to put into words exactly what I feel.

The situation is this: a close friend family friend has died suddenly which has a massive shock for us all.

My mum has in the past made comments about my lack of emotion when it comes to bad news.

I think I show a lack of emotion because, as a child growing up, I was always told not to cry and to stop crying if I was crying. I even have a memory of my mum and dad laughing at me because I was crying because I was hurt after my mum had smacked me.

This wouldn't be a problem, except today we are are having a family barbecue and I know it's going to come up. I'm really worried that I won't be able to keep my anger towards my parents inside me on this occasion.

Is there an emotionally intelligent way of responding to my mum's criticisms? Or do I just suck it up as normal and nod and smile and ignore her?

I think the emotionally intelligent approach would be to discuss this with her as a specific and separate issue, and not at a family barbecue.

At the barbecue you disengage and walk away. If she's doing it publicly to humiliate you, you set a clear boundary well within earshot of others: "Mum, different people express emotions differently. Please don't criticise me for the way I process my own grief."

That's all based on the possibility that she's capable of having a more in-depth discussion with you about the topic at some point – if not, simply grey rock.

People react differently. For similar reasons to you, I very rarely cry and almost never in public. When I do cry, I prefer to do it in private. If your mother is into public crying, that's up to her but you don't have to and you certainly can't force yourself to.

I admire the ability to keep back the tears as I find it humiliating that I cry so easily.

"Mum, different people express emotions differently. Please don't criticise me for the way I process my own grief."

This is a good response. I will practice saying it before we go, just in case I inadvertently blurt out, "oh just fuck off!" instead!

The weird thing is, I cried at work the other day just because my manager said something incredibly thoughtful to me. I can cry, but not around my parents it would seem.

Genie10, don't feel humiliated please! I think that tears are a natural reaction to emotion, that we should never feel ashamed of. Be kind to yourself 💐

This is very unfair of your mum - people react to grief in totally different ways. Some cry, some are silent, some throw themselves into work, some do hard exercise, some turn violent (not ok), some need to be alone, others need company - whatever works for you is ok.

Perhaps you shouldn't have raised me to think emotions are wrong. Maybe if you and dad hadn't laughed at me when I cried I wouldn't have grown up scared to show my feelings.🤷

Seriously. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Your mum sounds horrid. Can you just not go to the bbq and go low contact overall moving forward?

'You spent my whole childhood telling me not to cry and laughing at me if I did; now you are telling me I should cry. Which do you want? Not that how I express my emotions is up to you, anyway.'

"Oh, I do cry and I do show emotion! I just don't feel comfortable crying in front of people who used to mock me for doing so, which I'm sure you understand" and then a cheerful smile, before "anyway....." and a complete topic change. Any more on the matter can be met with "I've already explain this, let's leave it now", rinse and repeat as necessary

"You spent my childhood telling me not to cry - and now my not crying is a problem for you? I'll express my grief how I see fit, not how you wish it to look."

Then give her two fingers in her head. Generations are filled with people who cannot regulate their emotions because they had parents repeatedly telling them to shut up, stop crying, stop being cross etc etc etc

Clearly your parents are being really shit here. Loads of people don't cry, even people whose parents haven't been arseholes to them about when they were little, and it doesn't mean you don't feel emotions. I'm not at all demonstrative in that way either. I can articulate how sad I am, but I'm very calm about it. (My sister has been known to interpret this as me not caring, but she's miles off the mark.)

Do you think anyone else will cry at the barbecue though?! I'm sure it will come up and people will express their shock and sadness at what's happened, but the awful news has already been broken and you've been processing it already. I'm sure some people might well up, and that's fine, but I don't think most people would? So I can't see that a lack of tears from you would make you stand out as different from others there.

Oh love. As someone who had different, but equally shit parenting, please disengage with these people.
You. are. enough.
I've found recently that I was more able to stand up to my DF than I thought and did so - but whilst it reset things to a certain extent, by far the best thing is to just see a whole lot less of him.
I wish you luck and love. X

Thanks everyone! Sorry for not returning to the thread yesterday.

The BBQ went smoothly in the end. A few people didn't turn up, and my mum threw herself into hosting and didn't talk to me anyway. I think, as Mariposista said, that was her way of dealing with her grief.

So, in conclusion, I was worried about nothing.

My husband has cried once in the 24 years I’ve known him (birth of first baby, and it was on his own!). I always wondered why and then I heard my FIL say to our 2 year old son “stop crying, grandad won’t like you if you cry” and things became very clear.
Needless to say I leapt in with a “of course it’s fine to cry, you’re sad right now!”
My god, parents can be a frickin nightmare sometimes and I honestly believe that my in laws tried their best, they weren’t abusive but I sometimes say to DH “if you’re ever wondering how to respond to a situation, just think what your parents would have done and do the opposite”

YABU not to go NC with the abusive witch. You're people pleasing. Have you found the Stately Homes thread?

Oh yes - no crying in our house when I was growing up. Just not the done thing at all.

At my mother's funeral I had to hand my Dad a hankie as he started to cry and he said to me: "Sorry, I am being silly" - no Dad, your wife is about to be cremated for goodness sake - you are allowed to cry!

When my OH died I tried to hold it together in public as best I could in order not to feel as though I was upsetting others; but I soon learned that it is not totally possible to do this and that people were very understanding. Such ingrained, stiff-upper-lip learned behaviour. I am all for those cultures where you can howl and wail - that is what I really wanted to do.

"I honestly believe that my in laws tried their best, they weren’t abusive but I sometimes say to DH “if you’re ever wondering how to respond to a situation, just think what your parents would have done and do the opposite”*

Ha! This is me. I honestly think they did their best too, and I also do the opposite a lot.

YABU not to go NC with the abusive witch. You're people pleasing. Have you found the Stately Homes thread?

Thanks, I have seen the stately homes thread, but I haven't been on it for a while as it doesn't help me mentally. I have had therapy and I have gone through the angry phase, then the grieving (for the mum I never got), then just sad, and now I have come to accept that they are products of their own upbringings, and I suspect that there is a lot my mum hasn't told me in her background. I am now at the stage where, most of the time, I just feel very sorry for her. I can see where her words, actions and general attitude has led her and I don't think she's truly happy, despite "having it all" on the surface.

Mischance 💐

I'm glad that you managed to express your emotions.