No such thing as female sisterhood?

[Midliff45]

Just that really. Approaching the big 50 and noticed my female friendships are just slowly panning out. Lovely check in texts here and there, or a ‘like’/ general chit chat on our respective Facebook…but the smiles and well meaning ‘how are yous’ are just that, nothing more.

It feels a bit false, especially when I see those same friends posting memes about sisterhood and female empowerment.

I’ve tried to improve my social activities, attending networking groups, sister circles but I’ve never feel the connections are real plus the ones in my area although high membership, have low turnouts at events.

Perhaps IABU and just having a hormonal rant! Just not feeling female connectivity like I used to when I was younger.

I have to say this definitely isn’t my experience. My female support network is fantastic and genuine too.

Is it partly age/stage?

Most women i know are perimenopausal or adjusting after menopause, totally knackered, a bit traumatised in some cases.

It's also a time when work can be very busy.
So it's hard to make time to see friends, or to find the energy.

I tend to find it easier to meet people 1:1 rather than trying to find a time when a group is all free.

Sometimes fairly short-notice as well - if I say something like 'oi, we need to meet up because I've forgotten what you look like- I'm free all of this week so if a window opens up, give me a shout' that can work.

I felt very sisterhoody yesterday though- went to meet one friend and bumped into another 2 in different bits of town.

They were both out with children or grandchildren or a parents which is the other thing- family looms large at this stage of life, doesn't it?

Could it be that you're expecting too much of friendships?

Remember most people have their own lives / careers / partners / health issues / families / homes / projects etc to deal with.

Do you offer as well as expect? From your friends. It's a two way stream.

I don't necessarily see it as an actively mentioned thing though - I think it's something I "feel" from my friends.

But it may well be busy lives more than anything.

Sorry I don't mean that to sound as snarky as it does but my words won't come today.

I've never really understood the concept, on a personal level. Am I supposed to be friends with all women, everywhere, because we are women? Am I supposed to support all women's decisions, even the terrible ones, because they are women?

If you're trying to make connections with any women just because they are women of course they are not going to feel like real connections. Because they aren't. Friends are friends, they aren't some weird sisterhood. Sounds like you need to make an actual effort with your friendships instead of continually hunting for any and every woman to be your "sister".

I don't believe in a sisterhood. I've had far more problems caused by women than men. There is no need to force a relationship with someone just because your sex chromosomes match.

If I like someone and its reciprocated, they are a friend. I'm not going to be pally pally with someone desperate to befriend a woman tbh - I'm still not a "girly girl" in my 40s, but there are plenty of them out there who might be more your cup of tea.

Maybe come away from "sister circles" and join a sport / reading / knitting / drinking group instead.

attending networking groups, sister circles but I’ve never feel the connections are real

That is because they are not real. Real relationships are built over time and through shared experiences. You can't package friendship and sell it through an event or forum.

Not in my experience- mid 60s with a wide circle of friends as has my DM (89!) - she is still making new friends! But whatever age you are, you have to make the effort to make friends, they are not just going to fall into your lap.

(I do wish that the almost mandatory reference to 'menopause brain' in any discussion of women over 50 could be dropped ... it's so tedious).

Hi op found I had good few friends when our kids younger. Not now. Perhaps life so hectic. Nobody wants commit even a coffee vague re dates so I gave up. Im 49 I just do stuff alone now. Its disheartening.

I think you're conflating two different things. I don't think personal friendships have much to do directly with sisterhood/female empowerment or vice versa. You can be supportive of fellow women and join organisations etc, but that doesn't automatically give you a close personal link to other individual women. Having solidarity with, and supporting the views of the other women you meet doesn't mean you'll like them, have much else in common, or get on well with them on a personal level.

Equally, if your personal female friends are proving a bit flaky, that doesn't have anything to do with sisterhood. It's just what happens to personal relationships (of any sex) sometimes, due to changing priorities and life stuff.

Mary why don't you join a group - I've met lots of friends through volunteering, WI, other interest groups. What are your interests?

To be perfectly blunt, I don't want to meet someone new just for a coffee and a chat but if we meet over litter picking, local politics, yoga or whatever and get on then that's the time to move towards coffee and chat meet ups.

My female friends and family members mean so much to me. I spend a lot of time cultivating friendships (new and old) and I'm very close to my mum and sister.
But I also know that everyone has their own shit going on. Life gets in the way. Just because someone hasn't messaged you doesn't mean they don't like you.

I'd blame peri/menopause. You'll find by 54+ things are back on track. Keep the connections open. I'd say the same for anyone going through the baby/early years, friendships go through periods of sparse contact. I don't think that you ever have the same friendships later on as you do when you share the experience of becoming a proper adult etc. I don't know if it's biology preparing is for loss.

My experience is the opposite - I am also pushing 50 and in the past few years I've grown closer with my girlfriends. But these are the people I met at university, so we have many years of shared history and our bonds are a lot stronger. I am not sure I would have the energy (or the time) to build something like that from scratch now, so maybe worth revisiting your old friendships?

I do definitely try to bring up my daughter to value female friendship - I love men, but the joy and the mutual support I have with my 'girls' make my heart sing.

Ragwort thanks. I joined a walking thing. Didnt meet friends that way. My friend thinks no as it just turns into mean cliques. Its too early to say if she right. We put up a note for new people they walked once!! Its hard

Thanks all for your feedback. I’m finding it struggle to hold on to those friendships developed when DC were younger.

@Mary46 I do put in the effort, I guess I’m expecting too much. I’m disheartened too😢

I’m unsure now if it’s to do with being peri? Maybe it is?

I don't interpret female sisterhood to mean that one would automatically have a friendship group, just that female people live in the same world as each other - a world which is in some ways hidden to men. So women understand things that men can't.

But friendship is something else.

To me, women who talk about / want some kind of ’sisterhood, is a red flag to me these days tbh.

They usually are takers who just want support for themselves, but never give back any.

And usually ignore you or just dumps you for any little attention they get from a man.

They’re usually toxic people.

How do you hold on to your old friendships? I feel like there is never the right time to see each other.

@YouAreNotBatman I’ve experienced that too, got very badly burnt by so called acquaintance.

if I’m being really honest, I feel lonely. Frustrating not having a social life with regular female (and male) friends.

sorry for the pity party.

I have a couple of good female friends, but not too many.

For me personally, I can't give anymore of myself at the moment. I'm mid 40s, work in a pretty full on role and have 2 youngish DC.

Anything left over goes to dh, my DP then finally myself.

The good friends I do have are not demanding, and we can easily go 2-3 months without checking in. But I've always been like this, never really liked being 'needed'.

I never hear it mentioned except as a tool to berate women.

I get on fine with other females but I go out for coffee, lunch or shopping on my own as I prefer my own company and I don't have much to say to other people in general.

Think its life stages too op. Met my friend last year. Her mam is elderly. She hasnt much more to give after work and kids. Then another friend I messaged. Busy busy. Said sure let me know what suits. Left it to her. Its hard op. I find women groups clicky which doesnt help.