Worries about nursery

[Bluevelvetcake]

Hi

My child has been at nursery since 2 and is now 3. We were looking at increasing his part time place to 4 full days soon, He’s sometimes happy to go and sometimes gets pretty upset but we have generally put the latter down to being grumpy in the mornings (despite sleeping 12 hours and napping well in the day). At pickup he’s almost always happy. Whenever we meet nursery children at parties and group play dates in the park he gets very upset and clings to us. He’s ok with other children around at playgroups, in the park, small play dates etc but does get upset if someone comes to close as he thinks they’re trying to take his toys and also wants to make sure we are always close by. I worry that he’s had some bad experience at nursery that’s caused this. They’ve never said anything and I’m guessing if we asked they would be unlikely to admit anything has happened. Any advice? Thanks

The only way to know is to ask nursery to observe him and see what's happening. Some children are shy/uncertain when they see other children from nursery. Does he tell you about nursery? Have you asked if he likes it?

No he doesn’t talk about it, He has a speech delay so not really able to communicate if he likes it.

Is he a only child by any chance?

Nope he has a younger sister who is 2. They get on well mostly but do have issues with sharing which we are trying to work on. I feel like he might be a little immature for his age and that along with the speech delay can make things tricky.

It’s hard to tell and you likely won’t get a straight answer from the nursery unfortunately.

A few months back I decided to try a new career path in a nursery just for more family friendly hours. So many children cried all day, yet when their parents came to pick them up at the end of the day, they were informed the child had an excellent day and has only just got cranky within the last few mins as had been sooooo busy having fun all day. And the way the staff spoke to the children throughout the day was disgusting. I immediately left and pulled my daughter out of the centre. I’m now very very hesitant to put her in childcare again. And no, she’s not my first or an only child. She’s the fourth! My older three had gone to nursery and I was under the illusion they were happy, but now, since working in one, I’m very, very cautious.

and of course, there are some nice nurseries I am sure.

@Aussiegirl123456 Oh dear. That sounds awful.
I don’t have concerns about the staff. I know my son adores his key workers as he’s often asking where they are, wants to see pictures of them and looks happy to see them etc. I think he’s only ever been crying once at pick up, otherwise always seems pretty happy. I think the issue is really that’s he’s scared off young children for some reason.

I find nurseries won't teach sharing until children understand taking turns. Except taking turns, to a small child, means taking a toy off them when someone else wants it. My child went from happily sharing to snatching when she started, because that's how a child views taking turns (and it's not sharing).

My son struggled with seeing nursery friends out of nursery. He also hated doing performances at nursery when I came to watch. He would cling to me and would sob if he had to stand anywhere away from me. I think he compartmentalised nursery time and my time and it threw him when the 2 worlds were combined. It may be something that simple, rather than anything concerning at nursery.

@AFS1 That’s really interesting. My husband was wondering whether if we hadn’t been there he may have been ok. At the nursery Christmas performance he seemed embarrassed to see us there (was sticking his tongue out and turning to the side). Is it just something they get over eventually?

Exactly what I was going to write.
We've even seen nursery workers out and about and he can't understand why they actually have a life and don't live at nursery.
It can be overwhelming for them.

My son loves nursery but he still sometimes had afew tears going in. I've seen many children do so don't think it's just your son.
Sometimes they could still be waking up, think to themselves I can't be bothered with this or simply I want to be at home.
But if you know he's happy once in and enjoys himself and you haven't been told anything I would guess it was the above.

Speak to nursery to put your mind at ease

As a former Nursery Nurse I think many young children can become upset at a change in setting .Seeing other children outside can sometimes be unsettling for them .I would not be worried if he is happy to go most of the time, and happy at pick up too.

@AFS1 @HSKAT I’d also be interested to know whether children who struggle to see the two world’s combined have any other quirks.

My son can get upset by “dirty” things eg crumbs on the table or having to wear jeans instead of his usual joggers. Ive mentioned above that in the playground he’s very territorial too. I don’t know if these are unusual behaviours for toddlers (after all they are still trying to figure out the world) and it could just be quirks of his personality, but my husband is worried that all of these things might point to anxiety.

Oh and the latest one is that he’s suddenly developed a fear of spiders and dogs out of nowhere whereas before he would always excitedly point of spiders to me and say “hello doggy”!

I wouldn’t worry too much as my daughter who is 12 now and a only child hated going to nursery at the beginning and she used to scream terribly when i left but it soon passed and she ended up loving her nursery and made lots of friends and still remembers her nursery teacher now and a couple of her friends names.

I’m sure your son will be fine just give him time .
x

Had a successful drop off at nursery this morning. He seemed happy to go in. I’m beginning to think previous posters are right about not being able to merge the two different worlds when it comes to seeing nursery friends outside.

Still a bit worried about the territorial behaviour in the playground “no no” “this is mine” as I’ve not seen other children do this in the playground.

Still a bit worried about the territorial behaviour in the playground “no no” “this is mine” as I’ve not seen other children do this in the playground.

I wouldn't worry.

A lot of kids are like this. I've seen it plenty in the playground, in the nursery setting etc.
I've heard people say to them we take turns etc. they do eventually learn it so don't worry

Thanks for the reassurance! Somehow I haven’t yet come across other kids who do it and whenever it happens I feel like we aren’t parenting properly

I’m afraid my son didn’t grow out of it (he clung to me for the whole of his “graduation” ceremony!), but the moment he started school it was completely different - he’s never had the slightest issue with seeing school friends out of school or me helping out with class trips.

he is quite routine-driven, so that may be part of the reason.

Ask the nursery!

@AFS1 Does he have anxiety?

not generally, no. He’s really confident in school and socially. He’s not as keen on settings where his friends aren’t around, for example at holiday club.

My daughter had speech delay, selective mutism and wouldn't play with the kids from her reception class in the playground. She is 9 now and has school friends and just started going to trampolining. I never made friends with other parents from the school and never got many birthday parties invites. Anyway, we are happy the way we are. My daughter isn't selective anymore, has all As, is very friendly, sweet and loves having social life with me and her dad.