Is it normal to feel a bit trapped?

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My DH is such a lovely guy. He's loyal, caring, he makes me laugh every day with his sense of humour. He's happy to follow my lead in whatever we do - days out, holidays, food, just whatever I want, he goes with. He's very generous financially, he had a huge savings pot when we met and he's very much 'it's ours now' than having mine/his. He does his fair share around the house, and we share the same moral values.

However - we have zero sex life. He's not confident in bed and no matter what I've tried it hasn't helped. We're definitely not matched sex-wise.

Also, he has let his friendship group slide over the years so it can be a bit suffocating with him being home 24/7. And although he's so laid back, he never plans or suggests anything which does make me feel like I'm making all the effort. But then he's quite happy to sit on the sofa all day!

I work which I enjoy and see friends, I have hobbies and feel fulfilled in this way, so I try to focus on being grateful for the things I have, like a caring partner and financial security.

I can't help but feel trapped though. Going through a bad patch last year (feeling like we were just friends), I suggested we have a trial separation so I could have some time and just work things out, but he had a total break down and begged me to stay. He promised we'd work on things like romance/intimacy but he's not done anything - I think he honestly has no idea what to do, I do suspect autism as it's in his family and he shows other signs too.

He's genuinely a nice person, I love him to death. I'd do anything for him. I know in my heart it's not right but there's nothing 'wrong' enough to leave for.

:(

Unless he makes a lot of changes, I don't think your marriage will last. He seems happy to coast through life with minimal effort, but you need something more and I think you'll grow to resent him as the years pass and nothing changes.
If a trial separation doesn't encourage him to take action then realistically, what will? Probably nothing...
Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right.
Sorry, that's not a very cheerful response 🙁

Someone so passive would drive me crazy.

Do you think he could learn tho? There seems to be enough good in your relationship to try. Possibly a couple of joint relationship counselling sessions and then some 1:1 ones for him.

I think I could be better at explaining and laying out exactly what I need, (eg, plan a nice day out) but then, I feel deflated because I haven't got the energy to write an instruction list!

My ex was an abusive arse, so DH being so passive and laid back was healing. I owe him so much, I don't think I'd be here if it wasn't for his stability and kindness. I feel so guilty that the passiveness now frustrates me so much!

Couples counselling could be a good idea, I could definitely do with learning what I might be doing wrong too.

I don't mean this the way it sounds really, but this is the sort of situation where I can imagine you getting your head turned by someone else at some point. Not saying you'd cheat but it sounds like there is something crucial lacking and you're staying for the wrong reasons.

You don't have to stay out of guilt or gratitude. But that's what it sounds like.

I split with my ex husband when I sat down an seriously contemplated the answer to the question 'can you do another 50 years of this?'. Obviously for me it was no, what would your answer be?

We didn't do counselling because, quite frankly, by that time I couldn't be arsed flogging a dead horse.

@mistermagpie You're not wrong there at all - at work last year a new colleague joined and there was instant chemistry. In a way that I've never felt with DH - though I was nothing but professional and declined any contact outside of work (he added me on social media, I didn't accept).

I thought it was in my mind until the colleague said he was transferring because he'd developed feelings for me and he respected that I was married.

I wouldn't ever betray DH but it did wake up a part of me that's dying.

The thought of more years like this makes me feel so deflated but I feel resigned to it.

I just can't leave :(

Noits not normal to feel trapped. I personally think its normal to feel 'what if', or wish that some minor parts of your relationship was different, because nobody is perfect, and I think finding someone that has all of the qualities that you want is very difficult.

But most people would make peace with that and then not feel trapped because it's a choice they've actively made.

Your choice seems more that you've been forced into it by circumstance.

Only you can decide whether it's enough. I'm not sure if couples counselling is going to work- it might if its behavioural or habit but I don't think it will if he is how he is because of some major part of his personally.

If you're just friends then I think you should probably split before it gets messy. And if he said he wouldn't manage without you etc- that's manipulative

You say you just can't leave but if you really feel like that then you need to. Being with someone out of obligation or duty or loyalty rather than love does not help either of you in the long term

Interesting that your feel trapped rather than liberated.

I had a similar background - abusive and controlling partner, followed by wonderful calm, open, supportive relationship with now dh. Dh is laid back and goes along with what I want.

I felt 'trapped' in the previous relationship because I couldn't be myself. My choices were 'wrong'. I was in a lot of trouble if I went out with friends or did my own thing. I wasn't free to spend any of our substantial savings.

Although Isometimes feel like you, with the burden for thinking about and planning everything on my shoulders, in general I feel liberated. If I want to swim, I go swimming - on my own or with a friend. If I see a nice restaurant or hotel and think it would be good to try it, he always agrees (and enjoys it). I do the food planning and cooking (which I love), he does the laundry (which I hate).

Yes, I'd like him to be more proactive. I'd love him to surprise me by cooking dinner sometimes. But that's not really who he is. And being with him, I get to be who I really am. That feels liberating and priceless.