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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF has ex staying

21 replies

CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 13:40

My BF (who i dont live with) has his ex staying with him.

she is his gf from about 5 years ago (i think) and doesnt live locally but is visiting London, so he has offered her his spare room.

I trust him and like that he is good to offer, but still dont like it.

Should i say something?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2022 13:42

Not much point if she’s already there. Did he tell you what was happening?

clpsmum · 26/06/2022 13:43

Did you discuss it first? It's not something I would be comfortable with tbh but we are all different

pantsandpringles · 26/06/2022 13:44

No, if he cared about you at all he wouldn't have put you in that situation.

custardbear · 26/06/2022 13:48

How long have you been together and do you have reason to have worries. Impersonally would hate it, even now being with my DH 27 years, but I'd not be phased at offering me ex a room and I know I'd not do anything )yep double standards custard!)

Original poster
CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 13:49

yes, he told me a couple of days ago and i didnt question him.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/06/2022 13:51

Presumably they remained friends?

If they haven't seen each other since the split I'd be wary. If they have been out as friends etc since I wouldn't be so worried.

worraliberty · 26/06/2022 13:53

CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 13:49

yes, he told me a couple of days ago and i didnt question him.

This is why I voted YABU

Bit late now she's already staying with him.

Original poster
CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 13:56

i think they have stayed in touch but he hasnt really talked about her much. i dint know when he saw her last.

She leaves tomorrow, and i will go to see him on Tuesday. should i say something?

OP posts:
Amid · 26/06/2022 14:00

My DP stays with his ex wife when he goes to see the children every month. I've no problem with it.

It's all about context. I think you should talk to him about it. Ask him about her.

Mememene · 26/06/2022 14:04

I think it is very disrespectful to you, how would he feel if you had a male friend sleeping over? How long have you been together?

He hasn't introduced you to her but kept you out of the way while she is there. My "we're just friends BS radar is going off"

quietnightmare · 26/06/2022 14:05

Amid · 26/06/2022 14:00

My DP stays with his ex wife when he goes to see the children every month. I've no problem with it.

It's all about context. I think you should talk to him about it. Ask him about her.

For the kids I've got respect for you in this situation your a strong person. An ex for no reason other than a place to stay I'd be expecting my partner to be suggesting some lovely hotels for the ex in the area

Lockheart · 26/06/2022 14:09

If my partner was so insecure they were telling me who I could and couldn't have in my home, they would not remain my partner for very long!

If you don't trust him OP then this relationship doesn't have legs.

Original poster
CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 14:10

ok, so sounds like im not being too unreasonable not liking it. i will definitely be checking the spare room bed when i go there!

OP posts:
11Hawkins · 26/06/2022 14:15

How long have you been together? Has he given you any reason not to trust him?

Original poster
CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 14:17

been together over 2 years and no, he hasnt given me any reason not to trust him.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 26/06/2022 14:19

I think that ship has sailed. (On talking to him about it). I'd have said at the time, Actually I'm really uncomfortable about that. Obviously you have who you like to stay, but I'll be considering whether that crosses a boundary for me and whether I will continue to see you again.

I think it's the fact that he casually announced it, rather than asking if you would have a problem with it. It suggests that he doesn't see you as serious or having input into his decisions.

Sandra1984 · 26/06/2022 14:21

CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 14:10

ok, so sounds like im not being too unreasonable not liking it. i will definitely be checking the spare room bed when i go there!

I'm friends with some my ex's and would never dream of shagging them, but going to a city and crashing a couple of days on my ex boyfriend apartment would be considered "normal". I would probably take him out for dinner as showing appreciation for hosting me and catch up on our lives. Of course everyone is different and I don't know if these two fancy each other or not. Before you let the cat out of the bag I would sit and have him tell me about his relationship with the ex. I would also be honest and acknowledge that it made you feel insecure. Listen to what he has to say. I believe if he had something with her he wouldn't have been so open about it.

girlmom21 · 26/06/2022 14:59

CJ1000 · 26/06/2022 14:10

ok, so sounds like im not being too unreasonable not liking it. i will definitely be checking the spare room bed when i go there!

What difference will checking the spare bed make? That's a bit weird.

Amid · 26/06/2022 17:47

quietnightmare · 26/06/2022 14:05

For the kids I've got respect for you in this situation your a strong person. An ex for no reason other than a place to stay I'd be expecting my partner to be suggesting some lovely hotels for the ex in the area

Show quote history

They were divorced 7 years before I met him. If they wanted to be together, they would be.

He's never given me any reason not to trust him, plus I'm over 50, don't have kids with him nor do I live with him.

I wouldn't have been able to stop the jealousy in my younger day.

CambsAlways · 26/06/2022 17:57

i think it’s a bit late to object now she’s there

GoodVibesHere · 26/06/2022 18:55

Pfft no way I would be ok with that! It takes the piss. Christ couldn't she stay in a hotel?

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