Bumping into ‘the one that got away’ years later

[willwewontwe]

I have a little one, very happy, been with my partner for a long time. He was my first proper relationship but before him I spent years ‘seeing people’ with it never really coming to anything. One in particular lasted a couple of years on and off, we’d meet up occasionally and spend hours talking on the phone, he had such great chat. He was like my best friend at the time. None of these informal things ended badly, they were all just a case of us losing touch and I have them on social media still, really not fussed what they’re upto though, have never given them a second thought but bizarrely have never bumped into any of them since.

I was at a family wedding (with my partner and son) this weekend and the ‘one with the good chat’ was there, I did slightly consider before going that he might be invited as he knows the groom. I tried to avoid passing him for the first few hours but knew we’d need to at least say hi at some point. I was very conscious of where he was all day and already thinking why do I even care? I think I was just hoping when we did speak it wouldn’t be when my partner was there since that would be a bit awkward.

I was at the bar myself and he came up to say he can’t believe I have a child now etc. It felt like we were trying to cram years’ worth of catch up into a very short conversation. I presume he is single as he was there with friends. He ended up saying ‘it could have been us’ and I just laughed it off saying he missed out and jokingly said he never messaged me back (like 7 years ago). He then went very serious and said that wasn’t what happened, I said I didn’t actually remember why we’d stopped speaking. We chatted for a few minutes then I went back to my table where my partner was, almost feeling guilty 🙈 I obviously didn’t mention anything about him and he didn’t see us chatting.

I came home and checked my phone a few times and almost found myself expecting there to be a message from him. Why would there be?! Why would you message the girl that’s practically married off with a child? 🤷🏼‍♀️ Why would I even want him to when I’m this happy with my life and didn’t even realise I missed his chat til we spoke? I know for a fact if we’d ended up together it wouldn’t have gone as well as it has for me and my partner now. AIBU to feel like this? Does this happen to anyone else when you bump into an ex? Is it best if you just never set eyes on them ever again? I’m sure I’ll be over it in a few days, just looking for reassurance 😅😂

@UWhatNow yes I think that sums it up perfectly. I’m probably just lucky it ended on a good note and wasn’t really awkward having to avoid him all day

Interested to read responses here as I had a similar encounter recently! I have 3 children and this man is single and travels the world. I often wonder what would’ve happened if I had ended up with him and not my children’s dad but that’s by the by now! Can’t help but wonder though …

Completely normal!

Tf???
Imagine your partner doing this to you..
Stop with this childish fantasy.
You dont know what would have happened if you stayed together. But you didn't. As you werent meant to be.
Now Stop it and grow up
You have a kid. Act like a grown up. This isn't some romcom this is real life.

Agreed. And also, it's playing on your mind because the way it ended left unanswered questions and he alluded to them again when you saw him.

A mystery drives us all to madness.

Focus on your life in the here and now and it will fade into the background.

I have an equivalent person. Still friends with them, even invited them to my own wedding! Always had a soft spot for them that goes no further than 'ahhh, wasn't that a lovely time in my life'. I actually quite enjoy the feeling.

What I find weird about this isn't your confusing feelings about it really, but the fact that you wanted to avoid bumping into him while you were with your partner and that 'obviously' you didn't mention that you had spoken to him when you got back to your partner at the table. I just can't really picture me not saying 'oh guess what I was just chatting to John over there, he was the guy I used to date in 2004' or whatever.

Anyway, your feelings are quite normal I think but your behaviour is a bit, I don't know, as if you want to keep secrets?

Here's what I genuinely think about moments like this...

There are lots of options for all of us, loads of flavours we like. This was one you quite liked, except it wasn't strong enough to make it and it died.

That could have been be your life. Instead you found another option that also worked and was stronger than the other one, and you've built a life on it.

Now one time I had a crush on a new man to my life while I had a partner I loved. I felt awful and it was difficult to manage, until I spoke to a wise old male colleague. He said, chemistry is going to happen from time to time, for all of us, because there are many roads to happiness and chemistry between people is a thing. But you don't have to act on it. If you don't want to be jumping ship every seven years or so, don't act on it and it will pass. That's what happened for me.

That's what you need to do in this situation I think. Accept that he was a genuine option, but not that good of an option, because it died out pretty quickly.

Well I would rather live in a romcom. Let the OP have her moment. It's just lovely.

I don’t think you have to feel shame in this. I think it’s perfectly normal to have someone who will always have a piece of your heart so to speak. Of course you know that things wouldn’t have been all rosy had you actually ended up together but you’re not a bad person because you bumped into someone who you used to have a soft spot for and thought what if……. As long as it stays at that of course

Maybe my point wasn’t very clear. I just mean that don’t feel guilt for bumping into someone from your past for 5 mins and reflecting on the good times as long as that’s all it is. But now of course, put it out your mind and get back to your reality.

You were checking your phone for messages. You'd have replied if he messaged you. & you're still thinking about him to the point of putting up a post about him.

He's not 'the one that got away' , its not a 'romantic moment '. He's just some bloke you had a fling with years ago.

These things happen. Its fine as long as you don't get carried away. Do your best to erase him from your mind and focus on who and what you have now

Massive red flag. Your interactions as described are entry level activity to cheating so please check yourself and have a serious discussion with your partner. Making him aware will allow him to be more alert to this in future which will be for the good of the relationship.

@Marvellousmadness whooooaaaaa, take a deep breath......you do realise this doesn't actually affect you right, lol.

He really must have some good chat, whatever that means!

You know he's in good health, nothing bad has come to him, leave it at that (two from my late teens in my case have since died in car crashes).

This is very bad advice. Mentioning it to your partner will achieve nothing apart from making him worry unnecessarily, after all nothing further is going to happen, is it?

OP - Don’t listen to this.

If the situation was reversed you would want to know, so offer your partner the same courtesy. Relationships are built on mutual respect and hiding your behaviour will come back to bite you.

OP, don't do this

Enjoy the "I wonder what if...." for just a moment and then get back to real life and think how lucky you are

Wouldn’t you want to know? Honestly?

I didn’t tell my partner that who he was, the same way I wouldn’t expect him to ruin my night and announce ‘ive slept with her’ every time we see a girl he knows out somewhere 🙈 I wouldn’t want to know or think about that, it’s not him cheating on me behind my back if it’s happened years before meeting me

@adorablecat that’s what I think, there’s no reason to make someone feel awkward at the fact someone you’ve slept with years before is there. I had a short conversation with him and left it at that, had no interaction with him since and it’s highly unlikely il bump into him again so itl be another 10 years or something the next time 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Changethenamey well don’t read to comments further down anyway 🤣 you’ll be getting accused of cheating for having a conversation with someone and not completely blanking them

@something2say yes I think this is very true, you can have chemistry really quite easily but that doesn’t mean if he swapped places with my partner now that he wouldn’t massively irritate me to live with. The grass is greener where you water it and all that 🪴