Not a nice person

[Rainydays573]

Not AIBU but more WWYD

I have a relative who my children are close with, they’re very good to them and my children like them a lot too - definitely a good strong bond there. BUT this relative is a horrible person.

Very bitter and twisted. Everything is a sly dig. Cannot hear a good word said about anyone (including close family). Most people think they’re absolutely lovely as they present themselves well. If they were to bump into a family friend they would take great interest in hearing about them and their life, full of admiration and praise. As soon as their back is turn it’s the total opposite in short.

Back to my children, they’re only little so don’t have any understanding of it but they will eventually. My head tells me keep someone like that at arms length but my heart says don’t keep them away from someone they love and loves them. Anyone else had a relative/in law that was awful but good to their children?

I have someone like this in my life and I can honestly say as your children grow they will be spiteful about them too behind their backs. My advice is definitely distance yourself so your children are not close to them. They will only be in the firing line eventually.

Who is the relative to them?

A grandparent, uncle, aunt, cousin, or more distant than that?

Only you can make that call OP. If you don’t want a person like that in yours and your childrens lives then do keep them at arms length.

Stop facilitating a bond between your kids and a person who will, in time, be horrible to them too. But they’ll feel attached to them so it will be a headfuck for them.

Currently you’re nurturing a relationship between your kids and a toxic person as if it’s a gift to them. It’s the opposite.

(To clarify: it will be a headfuck for your kids to feel attached to someone who is unpleasant and critical towards them).

I have a neighbour like this

All our lives we had nasty comments aimed towards us

Vile in many ways

She has lovely kids
They now rarely go near her

I just watch in glee as I never said a word for so long

Just fcking desserts

My mother was like this. Bitched about everything and everyone. It's toxic.
Purely from a personal point of view, if l was in your situation, l'd start removing my children from access to this person.
They aren't 'good' if they're constantly slagging off and bitching about people. And trust me, they'll start on your children sooner or later. People like this can't help themselves. And they'll never change.

My mother is exactly like this! My kids adored her when they were little but started to get upset about the vile things she would say about people. Once they were teenagers they started refusing to see her. We've all been NC for 6 years now.

I was torn between keeping the relationship going and not wanting the kids to hear what she said. The decision was theirs in the end but I should have stepped in far sooner.

@ChipButtyCurrySauce

It’s my mother too. She’ll never speak ill of any my siblings (intact they can do no wrong) but I can visibly see her tensing up when another relative speaks highly of any her nieces or nephews for instance! Knowing what you know now - what would you have done differently? Go NC earlier or just less contact?

Agree with this.

Start to unwind the closeness. Also be honest with your children about this person's negativity and difficult behaviour.

This sounds like my step mother in law. She does not see the kids. It's too hurtful for them when they outgrow the baby phase and become a target for ire from what was a previously trusted adult.

Yes, we've got a family member like this.
Kids adored them. When we got the first whiff of them letting their nasty leak out to the kids we pulled away [would've done it earlier if we fully understood back then] and they now only see DC occasionally when we're both present. It was pretty easy to do as this coincided with DC getting a bit older and not so ott adoring back, so I think they got bored.

I never had masses of contact with her anyway. She's always been nasty so I was visiting maybe once a month. I lived fairly local but used work as an excuse not to see her more. She NEVER came to see me. Which suited me fine. I should have cut contact far sooner than I did though. It shouldn't have been up to the kids to tell me they didn't want to see her anymore as she was upsetting them.

I dare say at some point Fred West's dd thought he was great. . As the parent you get to decide who is around your dc....
My dc don't see my dm or df.... As it appropriate...