AIBU to think emotional affairs in marriage can stay a secret?

[Pumpki]

I’m married to someone who has cheated on me more than once via phone but apparently never slept with them. I came across someone in my workplace who I knew many years ago and whom developed strong feelings for me.

We crossed paths again, developed a deep connection and bond. We haven’t kissed or had sex but we have hugged and have expressed our fondness for one another. Our mostly are about life and what interests us. It’s a good solid friendship but with the added layer of attraction and desire.

Let me be clear that I feel extremely guilty every day and moment I think about this. But at the same time, I have never felt so alive or that a person can understand me this deeply and sincerely. I believe he is my soul mate but we accept that we can never be together.

As hard as this is to believe, this man is a gentleman. His focus isn’t sex and we’re both more than fine never to enter this territory. He makes time and effort to talk about the things that concerns my life and brings out the best in me. He is also married and does not have the same connection with his wife, as he does with me but he has only ever mentioned her with the upmost respect.

I’ve stepped back to reflect from this all but considering continuing this with maybe no meet ups and more boundaries. Please be kind with your responses. I need genuine advice and as a person, I have been through a lot in my life.

I should steer clear tbh.

Not sure if you're asking if it's possible to keep it a secret, or whether it's a good idea/harmless no one gets hurt scenario?
If the first, absolutely it is. It's a toyal myth that it's always found out. If neither party tells anyone, covers their tracks completely, puts nothing incriminating in writing that can be traced to them (PAYG phone) and the AP doesn't betray them, it's possible to carry on secretly indefinitely.
If its the second, tbh, I don't think its a good idea. Its unlikely you and AP will both remain happy within the boundaries as your feelings develop.
You will basically be running two relationships and they will conflict which will be stressful.
You will be thinking of AP when with your family, so not really present and living a half life.
Your moods will swing up and down depending on his messages.
It will be difficult to conceal all of this from your primary partners who may become suspicious.
Try not to romanticise this. If he's truly your soul mate, you could and would be together properly. Any barriers either or both of you are putting up is because one or both of you is not fully committed to the other. Think about that before going down the tough road you're choosing, and decide whether it's worth it.

Certainly. Keep it to yourself.

It's possible to keep it a secret but why are you having these feelings in the first place? Happy people don't develop feelings for other people. Also, carrying the weight of this around will make you unhappy and as the feelings develop it will be hard to resist temptation.

I feel with this type of thing, it's an Amber light - you need to deal with the problem that's causing the feelings. Deal with your unhappy marriage and cut ties with this man.

Is the reason you can't be together because you are both married, or something else? Not wanting to break up your families?

As PP said, if you both truly believed you were soulmates then you wouldn't be able to keep this an emotional affair and wouldn't be happy unless you could be together.

Lots of people develop feelings for other people while in relationships. We are human after all and it's perfectly possible to be attracted to others. It's whether you do anything about it that matters.

No good can come from this really. I understand everything you are saying but you will end up getting hurt as you are stuck in limbo between your husband and this other guy. It's like torturing yourself. Address issues in your marriage is the best way forward.