Missed miscarriage and partner says its just one of those thing!

[Georgia31]

So Friday I found out I have had a missed miscarriage of twins, last week they were both fine.
I'm only 9weeks pregnant and really finding it hard, I have surgical management booked in for Monday morning. Laying in bed last night I was saying how I'm struggling to believe its all over, he replied its just one of those thing. AIBU to be really angry with him, we have a 3yr old together and he has kids from a previous relationship. But we planned to have another one and now I feel like I'm going through this on my own, like did he even want to have another baby, or is he actually glad ive had a miscarriage as he said twins weren't ideal?. I'm so scared for Monday to come and to have the procedure, i still have symptoms of the pregnancy. I am really trying to keep a smile on for our little boy but I'm so so Disappointed and angry that he can just say its one of those things.

What is it with some people, especially men, and insensitive comments?

My DP said similar after my third missed miscarriage - except it was "Well clearly your body just doesn't want to stay pregnant" (turned out the issues are him in the end anyway). I couldn't speak I was so upset.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not just "one of these things" to you. Hopefully he just meant it as it's nature's bad luck and he's hopeful next time will go smoothly.

I also wouldn't try to remain cheerful for your son. Take time to grieve and be alone. Your partner can take care of DS all weekend if he's so unaffected.

It's insensitive OP, but to him it is just that. It is just one of those things. It doesn't make it any more upsetting, but he doesn't have any bond to the pregnancy or the hormones and bond that comes with it.

You need to accept almost immediately he wont give you what you need emotionally in this instance, and look for specialist support elsewhere, as it will only cause problems for you as a couple. Sorry to be brutal. Yes he is a dick.

Sorry for your loss.

I've suffered a couple of miscarriages. It's heartbreaking.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he meant 'it's just one of those things' as it's nobody's fault, you may never know the reason and these things are incredibly common. I didn't realise how common until I had mine and so many of my friends had their own stories to tell.
I think he was just clumsy in how he expressed it.

Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.

God, I'm so sorry about your babies 💐

I’ve had a couple of missed miscarriages and a few normal ones. With the second MMC we found out at a scan and my first reaction was “fuckssake, not again” and DH just squeezed my hand and said “bollocks” or something like that. We were so battered by the whole shitty process and just felt numb. I felt like that whole way through that one tbh, only cried once, had the surgery, cracked on with ttc. Completely different to the absolute horror, heartbreak and shock of the first MMC which knocked us flat for ages.

I feel your pain, genuinely, and I hope you get good care and recover quickly physically. I wouldn’t assume he didn’t want the babies or doesn’t care. I don’t know but people react in a range of weird ways to loss and grief. I hope he steps up practically and emotionally. Be honest about what you need.

I agree that people grieve differently. I had two miscarriages and after the first one, I became very matter-of-fact about the whole thing because emotionally connecting with another pregnancy was too hard. It was easier for me to think of it as a biological process gone wrong by chance, than the death of my child.

This is exactly the way I looked at it. It was just one of those things that is really common, and wasn't meant to be. It made it much easier.

Op, I really don't think he meant to be a dick. Sometimes the logical view is the easiest.

I'm sorry for your loss

Wow. This is going to hurt the OP.

He (and you, you seem to be extremely proud of your approach) might be looking at it ‘practically’, but unless he’s totally insensitive or obtuse, he must realise that the woman (he supposedly loves) who is experiencing pregnancy symptoms, who was probably picturing her newborn twins, whose body still believes it’s pregnant, is hurting and sad. Not only that she has to have a surgery to correct it all and she’s frightened.

I mean come on, it’s not too much to ask for some support from your partner when you miscarry, is it?!

People want to be careful with the “it wasn’t meant to be” stuff. After 3 mcs and a lot of tests I knew there was nothing wrong with my babies, it was a me problem and that’s why the pregnancies were failing. A massive cocktail of drugs which changed on a trial and error basis as I had more mcs meant I finally got to keep one. And I’m not unique, the clinic I was under only treats women who have multiple losses. My babies were actually all meant to be, they weren’t cells which failed to develop. People say a lot of unhelpful crap in painful situations, some of it’s careless, some of its fucking stupid and unnecessarily cruel.

Anyone spouting statistics to OP who is in shock and only just beginning to grieve, with surgery ahead of her, is a complete twat. There are ways to say your piece, to agree with her DH, without sounding like merciless dickhead.

Hopefully it was a clumsy thing he said when he wasn’t sure what to say. I don’t think my DH said much at all each time (3), to be honest. Let him crack on with looking after your 3 year old.
I had surgical management of my 3rd and the procedure was fine.
💐

He should have been more sensitive to you OP, but it's ok if it is just one of those things to him. It was to me and it helped me cope - I know many many women who've had one or two miscarriages along the way to completing their families. More than I know for sure haven't had one. It's very very normal, if very very shitty.

Explain to him that you need more support than that but don't overthink what he's said or think it means he's heartless.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I had several loses before I had my DC including a missed miscarriage which I probably found the hardest to come to terms with. While there is some truth in "it is one of those things" with it being so common, I would have been so angry and hurt if DH had said that to me. You need support and love and a shoulder to cry on at a time like this (as your DH might too). Unfortunately some people just say all the wrong things in thinking that they are offering comfort in some way.

Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to grieve.

I'm so sorry your babies died. I had a missed miscarriage. It is devastating going for a scan expecting it to all be ok and then finding out your baby has died. I found it very hard to cope with and had some therapy. I have to say ex-DH was very supportive, though. It wasn't just 'one of those things' to me. It was a much dreamed about baby that I was no longer going to ever hold. Take care of yourself 💐

I hear you op. I had a Mmc before my eldest and a normal miscarriage in between my second and third and my now exH just left for work and told me to keep him posted. Miscarriage is a fact of life but not being empathetic is just an unacceptable way to deal with it

Op I'm really sorry for your loss. I have to say though I think (unless there's a backstory) that you're reading more into your DPs reaction than is fair. 'Just one of those things' is clumsy, but to me it's a phrase to mean something that is beyond our control, can't be rationalised, is unfair but something we have to accept as there isn't an alternative (ie because there's nothing you can do about it/no way of preventing it)
He's not going to understand what you're going through and he's not going to be as attached as you are. That doesn't mean that he had changed his mind or that he is questioning having children.

Please do make sure you tell him how you feel and what you need from him though.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I think this is a case of different people dealing with things differently - and he probably thinks it's a good thing to play it down in order to help you cope, whereas you clearly need care and attention. You are going through a lot.

I can fully get your DH's pov from his own perspective - for me, my miscarriage was 'just one of those things'. I rarely think about it - but I didn't need any surgical intervention, so it was nothing like what you are going through.

I think you need to have a conversation, see if he can understand that for you, it's not just one of those things, and that you find him saying that hurtful, as you are physically and emotionally going through a really tough time. Hopefully he'll take that on board.

There's nothing I can say to make the situation better, but I hope everything goes smoothly for you next week.

So sorry OP. Hope you are holding up okay X

Although I do agree in a sense that it is “just one of those things”
as unfortunately and as heartbreaking as it is, it is one of life’s shitty and unexplainable and unfair “things”.

YANBU to be angry with him if he is not giving you any support or if he is invalidating your feelings.

Men will never understand what women go through. & no matter how much we explain to them, they just don’t get it.

Are you saying that all women who have miscarriages should feel the same way? Because that’s what it sounds like.
Women are all different. We all react differently to different situations. I had a miscarriage many years ago. I was around 2 months pregnant. I was pragmatic about it but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad. I dealt with the practicalities and moved on and at the time I did think that it was just one of those things. I still do because I understand the risks involved in pregnancy. However, I still think about the possibilities of that pregnancy 35 years later on the anniversary of the day I actually miscarried.

No of course I’m not. I explained my own different reactions to two similar losses already. One ripped my heart out, I didn’t even know missed miscarriage was a thing as it’s not happened to anyone I know. The second time I was far more pragmatic, I just didn’t have it in me to feel shocked or sad again, swore, apologised to the sonographer, booked surgery, had it, got on with things.

OP has posted because she’s in pain and already feeling unsupported. If people are going to dismiss her feelings of sadness and needing support by quoting stats don’t you think the least they can do is share some sympathy at the same time? This isn’t a discussion in abstract, it’s one woman’s cry for help and request for perspective about how her partner is behaving.

I have read all the replies and I appreciate everyone has a different way of looking at things and coping with things. I guess I was more upset at the fact he said it to me, knowing how heartbroken I was to be at the scan by myself and then thats all he had to say about it when he knew I was struggling. He went to work yesterday so I had Ds to keep my mind occupied, he has said he will take tomorrow off to be with me, I suggested putting DS into breakfast club at nursery so we could go together 8.30 appointment but he said no he'll just be there when he can. I suppose I'm just a little disappointed as he is all the family I have here.

Don't want to sound like I'm bashing him as I do care for him I really do, maybe I'm being a little selfish.

I don't think you are beingb selfish at all. I think most people would want their partner to be there - and I think most partners would want to be there too.

You're not being selfish, You're in pain and need support.

Even if you were being selfish, that's okay too. If you can't be selfish when going through something that is affecting you so deeply, when can you be?