Please help me sort this out re DS

[Mommaoftwo2]

Have posted about this before but am desperate for some help. Ds is 3 and has become completely attached to me and will scream if DH goes anywhere near him. It's got to the point he won't let DH do bed/bath but even the little things like pass him his drink etc cause him to scream if it's not me.
I can't leave the room or do anything on my own or with my other DC without him screaming the place down. He will wet himself when crying because he's got in to so much of a state.

It's causing massive issues between me and DH. I completely understand that DH feels unloved and feels like he's never wanted by our DS but his response is to shout at him which in my opinion is just making everything worse.

I'm honestly at the end of my tether with it and don't know what to do!

Go out. Take the other DC out and leave DH to.dp something fun with DS. He'll probably cry when you leave, but he'll be fine once you're out of sight. He's having a tantrum like any other and the key to tantrums is that they use never be successful!

*must never be successful!

My DH has done this a couple of times and when they are left together they get on fine but the second I get back home it just starts all over again. I tried to have a bath last night as I wasn't feeling very well and he just screamed at the bottom of the stairs non stop for 30 mins despite other dc trying to play with him/dh trying to talk to him etc. I had to give up and come downstairs once it got to the point he wet himself. I know it sounds horrible as I love him to bits but sometimes I just need a break!

You've reinforced that dad isn't capable/fun/good enough by always stepping in. Step WAY BACK. Go away for the weekend, or get DH to take DS away for the weekend.

Wetting himself isn't fatal. He's learnt that's what he has to do to get you to himself. If I were you I'd let DH deal with that and stick to your guns.

Where is he in the siblings order? Does he get enough quality 1:1 time with you that isn't bedtime?

I agree with @MolliciousIntent. Also, I’m sorry to hear you going through this. Dad has to confidently step up more and not take his behaviour so personally. The fact he shouts at him is ridiculous and also when they are together and he has a tantrum, what reception is dad giving him then? Sounds like he has some maturing to do. DS behaviours sounds normal as within the realms of separation anxiety but you also need to encourage time apart

Thanks for the advice. I think I might ask Dh to take him out for a fun day out tomorrow just the two of them. He is the youngest and definitely gets enough attention. I went back to work full time at the start of this year after being a stay at home mom though so he is probably still adjusting

There we are, the tantrum worked and he "won". He's worked out that wetting himself is his golden bullet. Why do you need to get out of the bath because he's wet himself?

IME it takes very few tantrums being completely and utterly ignored before you don't get any more. DH can put him in a safe space, tell him he loves him and that he's there as soon as he's ready to play nicely. Then you all tune him out. It won't take long.

@MultiBird you're right I should have stuck to my guns last night but I just felt like I was being a crap mummy letting him cry to the point he wet himself. I'm going to try and be much stronger with it going forward

Did he cry til he wet himself, or did he wet himself out of protest? The latter is much more likely.

Oh don't get me wrong it's horrible, but it's short term pain for long term gain.

I used to say that's what the breathing exercises they taught you for labour are really for, so you can stay calm through a tantrum.

Either way the wetting himself behaviour doesn’t sound ok. Tantrum or not. It’s a bizarre way to get attention even as a younger person.

Wetting himself is nothing, my DS2 used to go and poo behind the sofa 😆

@MultiBird ahh the joy lol lol lol

No it's not. When you're 3 your bodily functions are practically the only thing in your life you have autonomy over. It's a very common "protest".

DHs shouting will definitely make it worse.
As soon as your DS wants to cry it will make him escalate quicker as on top of being upset he'll also be worried about getting shouted at.

Can you have a sit down, calm conversation with your DH bout this? Ideally you need to be in the same page with this.

When you do leave your DS its really important to say goodbye even if it means he will tantrum because otherwise when you are with him he will feel insecure because he'll always be on edge that you are about to leave.

If every time he gets distressed through crying too much, you give him want he wants by stepping in, isn't that going to just encourage him to keep crying?

Sorry, cross-posted. I can see you have already made resolutions to change. Good luck.

You're going through the terrible threes.

Just remember one line:

"I do not negotiate with terrorists." And repeat.

He needs to learn that "no" means "no", not "maybe" or "if you wet myself I'll change my mind".

It's difficult to stick with at the start, but you'll reap the rewards of you do stick with it.

Good luck!

He's three! It's not like he can refuse to cook dinner or tidy his room, lol.

My youngest is like this and it so upsetting for my DH but also beyond stressful for me. We just keep trying for my DH to do things, so if he wants a drink it's not just me that does stuff for him. He used to say I had to do it but we've done it for 2 months now and he's just starting to go to my DH. He also started taking him out for alone time but I think it's the day to day nappies, drinks, bath that really helped. It's hard x

Wow! yours wins haha!

You've taught him that if he wants his way then he needs to wet himself. As hard as it is, running when he cries reinforces the idea that he needs rescuing from his Dad.
Take the others out for a break from this because it must be annoying them too and I bet you miss them too.

Either way the wetting himself behaviour doesn’t sound ok. Tantrum or not. It’s a bizarre way to get attention even as a younger person.

A little girl I used to look after used to scream so much she couldn't breathe and would pass out. Mum did everything she wanted just so she wouldn't do it, until the Dr told her that as soon as she passes out she breathes again so stop worrying about it.