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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that friend's fiance has no plans for a future together?

7 replies

wannaBe · 15/01/2008 18:30

friend met a girl over the internet about 3.5 years ago. She lives in the states so he flew out there to meet her fairly quickly and they hit it off. He then paid for her to come over here for Christmas, which she did, but she had a 5 year old dd whose father would not let her out of the country so she left her dd with her parents (for christmas ) and and came over here for three weeks. While she was over here they got engaged with a view to getting married the following year. He has various health problems so it is unlikely that he would be able to live in the states, so it was always understood that she and her dd would come and live here, so in the meantime she started proceedings to be granted permission to take her dd out of the US.

In the meantime friend lost his job so was unable to pay for visits for her to come here or him to go there, she never offered to pay to come over to see him.

Then last year she finally got the ok from the courts to bring her dd over here, so friend of course thought thtat this would mean they could all be together finally. However only two weeks after she had got the court order, she rang him very excitedly and told him she'd signed up to do a degree which will take another 4 years.

She's told him that it's so they can be together ultimately, and he really seems to believe that.

But I think she has no intention of ever being with him.

He is still out of work and due to multiple health problems he has found looking for work very difficult, but he is trying.

I know ultimately it's none of my business, but he's so miserable, and if he could just move on he could probably find happyness, but this girl is keeping him hanging on and every time they get close to being together she comes up with another reason why they can't.

Ibu to think she should just be straight with him?

OP posts:
lulumama · 15/01/2008 18:32

of course you are not being unreasonable.. but unless he is sending wads of cash and gifts her way, or using him for something else, cannot quite see what she is getting out of this 'relationship', if anything

maybe her signing up for a four year degree is a way of dropping a hint, and she is too scared to end it in a straightforward manner?

Monkeytrousers · 15/01/2008 18:40

If no one is in mortal danger leave your friends relationships alone.

allgonebellyup · 15/01/2008 18:42

oh i thought you meant her degree would be in uk, thus bringing them to be stuck together..

newgirl · 15/01/2008 18:54

crikey i think he probably knows dont you? up to him if he is happy with this half-baked 'relationship'

mrsruffallo · 15/01/2008 18:56

I agree with monkey trousers-leave them alone

MAMAZON · 15/01/2008 18:59

YANBu in wanting this girl to be honest but i don't really think he is that naive he doesn't know this all already.

Wisteria · 15/01/2008 19:05

Possibly she's having doubts due to his continued health problems and a lack of financial security so is putting herself through Uni in order to secure a life over here. If I was her with a 5yr old dd I doubt that I'd want to pull her over here without a definite feeling of security and means of earning a good living...

She's not getting anything out of the relationship at the minute so there are no ulterior motives that I can envisage - as others say maybe she's not brave enough to end it or just got cold feet - leave well alone but must be hard to see your friend disappointed

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