Breaking the cycle - weight and daughters!

[Sara83zivf]

Posting here as not sure i could find a relevant place!

Ive spent my entire life being body conscious and hating the way ive looked. During my pregnancy i took eating for 2 far too literally and put on 20kgs. Ive since joined a gym and slowly getting the weight off and currently a size 12/14

tonight I’ve looked back on photos for the past 20 odd years and its so sad that I’ve always hated my body. Since the age of 16 ive always been concious and hated the way i looked despite having been a size 8/10 and in hindsight my body was beautiful.

I dont know where this self consciousness came from, my mother was constantly on diets and still to this day comments on my weight so perhaps this. I just want to make sure my daughter never goes through this. Im so jealous of women comfortable in their own skin…and looking back that should have been me.

How do you bring up a child confident in their own body when you struggle yourself?

I could have written this, it's sad really, I hate that I have never truly been happy in my own skin, its like that saying "I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat"

I always tell my daughters "there is enough people in life to put you down, don't you be one of them". I wish I could listen to that myself though.

I did read somewhere recently that when looking at photos with your kids that you should always compliment yourself too, even if you look like shit, find something positive and don't say anything negative. I thought it was good advice, remembering to do it is the hard part

@Jonagirl thanks so much for your reply! Ill bear that in mind with the pictures! It makes me sad that i look at them now and think bloody hell, i looked amazing, yet knew at the time how self conscious i was. …and this was early days of social media.

I’m pretty comfy in my skin and feel genuinely grateful/warm towards my body. We grew up in a very laid back household where nudity was concerned, so would often sit and chat with mum while she was in the bath or would all dress/change together. I think it really helps having always had mum’s normal, lived-in body as a point of reference to counteract the images in the media. She isn’t specially interested in how her body looks but she’s always been proud of what it can do. That is massive I think - let her actually see you, whole and alive and using your body in ways that make you happy. You don’t have to loudly celebrate everything, you just have to unapologetically exist like having a normal body is normal.

So basically, take up space and act like it’s bloody obvious you have a right to do so.

Also I think it’s great that you’re thinking about this for your daughter. She’s lucky, and I hope you can give yourself the same ease and confidence you’ll be giving her x

She isn’t specially interested in how her body looks but she’s always been proud of what it can do. That is massive I think - let her actually see you, whole and alive and using your body in ways that make you happy. You don’t have to loudly celebrate everything, you just have to unapologetically exist like having a normal body is normal.

This is such a perfect reply. And spot on. I also grew up with a mum with major body image issues and struggled a lot when I was young, ED through most of my teens etc etc. As soon as I had my eldest daughter (DC1) I was determined she wouldn’t grow up the same. I basically went for ‘fake it til you make it’ and it worked 🤷‍♀️ and weirdly enough having my kids genuinely did change my attitude to my body - although it’s objectively ‘worse’ now it’s done some amazing stuff and does everything I need it to do and that makes it awesome! She’s never heard me say a single negative word about the way I look and has always seen me comfortable in my own skin and praising my body for what it has done and what it continues to do for me. I’ve always taught my DC that everything in moderation is fine, that we eat properly because it keeps our bodies healthy and functioning (rather than because it keeps us thin) and that bodies are awesome in all shapes and sizes. I don’t comment on how other people look in a negative way but we have discussed in general terms that people come in all shapes and sizes - some people are fatter than others but there’s no moral value attached to that, it’s just a fact, like some people have brown hair and some people have blonde hair. Likewise I’m very open that pregnancy and childbirth changed my body but again, it’s just a fact, there’s no judgment there. A healthy body is a means to an end (ie being able to enjoy and make the most of life and doing the things you want to do) rather than an end in itself - it really doesn’t matter what it looks like. And it turns out that even if confidence isn’t innate, you can teach yourself to be confident - the more I acted like I was totally comfortable and happy with myself, the more it stuck and now it’s reality. I genuinely love my body, flaws and all. My youngest has a serious but hopefully temporary disease and I hope that will really drive home to my kids that a body that works as it should is a gift and something to be appreciated and loved, regardless of what it looks like.

@Verbena87 @fuckwhatshouldido thank you so much for your considered and thoughtful replies. I had struggled with posting as thought it was a bit self indulgent, but both of you have given me things to think about and a more positive mindset. I