Is it too early to discuss marriage?

[Knowingmeknowingyou1]

I am 31 and my partner is 27 (28 at the start of next year).
We've been together just over 2 years and lived together for over a year.
I'd like to get married, he's never told me that he'd like to get married to me.
He expressed interest in getting married (in general) when we first started dating.
Once we were having a meal with my parents and my Mum jokingly said, 'So when's the wedding?" (Thanks Mum) and he just laughed and didn't say anything. Though maybe he was just embarrassed, rather than thinking, oh God I don't want to marry her.
I just wonder if it's too soon or should I bring it up? His slightly older sister has been with her partner for 4 years and they aren't engaged.
I know people who've been together for 10 years and not engaged, maybe I'm rushing it?
Not saying we'd have to get married right away, just know that he has the intention to do so.
Maybe he wouldn't be ready at his age?
Not sure what to do, I'm scared to put him off by asking. Marriage is important to me, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me.

I think there’s a real difference in age and stah
ge here. He got together with you at 25 when most men aren’t thinking about marriage. You were 29 when many women are beginning to think that way. Two years in and he’s committed enough to live together but honestly, marriage probably isn’t on his radar just yet. Understandably it is on yours.

He is old enough for an adult conversation though. One where you discuss ambitions, plans and possible intentions. Maybe he wants to do entirely different things to you or maybe has similar goals but hast been aware of your own thoughts? Women can be very passive about waiting for all these conversations and events. Don’t be. It doesn’t need to be a scary intervention, just an adult discussion on your thoughts on the future.

I think after 2 years you should be able to discuss with him how he's feeling about getting married and kids if you want them. Especially as he nears 30. Be prepared he might say noooo too early to think about marriage.

Yes of course you need to know where you stand, if he doesn’t want to marry and you do, you should move on - especially if you have kids.

Have a think about what schedule you would like.

Don’t avoid asking him because you’re afraid you won’t like the answers. This is not the time to prolong things.

Absolutely bring it up, it's not unreasonable to want to know where you stand. You then need to workout whether you are both on the same page or how one or both of you is going to compromise.

The same applies for any thing in life. You have to be open about what you want

If it was my relationship I’d jokingly bring it up. I used to push my boyfriend into ring shops on the way past when we were out shopping then the hints just got stronger and stronger. One day I did think ‘oh god he’s never going to do it is he?’, especially since his dad isn’t married to his partner and has said he has no intention of marrying her 🙄 I did outright ask him and he laughed it off for a while but eventually did say he did want to marry me. He eventually proposed after living together for 3 and a half years. You need to bring it up, either jokingly or seriously and try not to let him shrug it off. I wouldn’t say it’s majorly early but as others have said he might not be ready yet and could be waiting til nearer 30. For me it was more about having kids before I was ‘too old’ so wanted to be able to fit all of that in 😂

Thanks for the replies.
I think I'm just looking at my friend who's just got engaged on their 2 year anniversary, but her partner is 34 so that's quite a difference. I shouldn't compare though.
If he says no it's too early to think about it, do you think it's wise to wait another year or so?
I don't think i could wait more than 3

I'm 11 years in with a child and still no ring!
I remember feeling like that after a couple of years, I did bring it up. He said yes he's loved to one day but tbh it's just never happened and I don't feel the pressure to marry now.
I think having a house and a child especially is just as big of a commitment if not more.
Bring it up without being so serious about it.

As someone whose partner said at age 26 (I was 21) when I met him, that he wanted to be married at age 30, but 32 years later still hasn't popped the question, I'd be having the talk. Luckily, being a bride was never on my wish list. He doesn't know that though! It's important to you, so don't let things roll on. It's only fair to him too, to have an inkling he might get dumped in a couple of years if he doesn't come up with the goods - he deserves to be with someone with the same vision too.

If you're not sure you want to commit to someone after two years then there's got to be a bit of a red flag. 27 is an ordinary age to get married.

I'd start a serious conversation with him. If you do, let us know the outcome!

The time for this conversation was before you moved in with him. If you really want to be married, do not have a baby until you are.

It's more complicated these days. Anyway the bigger question is children, does he want/do you want children? If so and you have approx the same assets then marriage is important.

Does getting married benefit you? i.e. do you have significantly more financial assets than him is i.e. you have more to lose if you get divorced?

Ultimately however I would say that if he isn't prepared to commit I would move on and rapidly. Life really is too short to wait around for a man who won't marry.

Well there are a few things he could say...

Yes, I want marriage but am not ready yet. In this case you need to talk about his timescale and see if it's compatible with yours. Worth discussing biology (because some men are not clued up on fertility etc).

No I don't want marriage. If this is a deal-breaker for you (and it should be if you want kids, unless you enter another legal agreement which protects you) then don't hang around hoping he'll change his mind. Move on while you still have plenty of time to meet someone who shares your life plan.

Not sure / I need to think about it. That's okay, but ask him again in maybe a month or so. He should have thought about it by then and be able to give you an answer.

Whatever you do, don't let him string you along for a long time without a definite answer.

Thanks for the replies. I think I'll wait for a few months then try

If it's important to you, whatever it is, then a good relationship should be able to handle the discussion. What do you want from a relationship and does this one provide that?

At two years, he knows if he wants to marry you or not. Ask. Because if he doesn’t, you need to leave. Your time is precious

No if he just says it's too early to thing about it I'd leave. Don't waste your time.

You moved in with him without discussing marriage? And now feel you still can’t?

Sorry OP but I don’t think you will be married to this man in three years time.

I would mention it, I’d need a plan. If you want to get married at some point why waste years with someone who’s vague?

Been together 2 years, want to buy a house together.
Told my DP that I wouldn't buy with someone I wasn't marrying. So if he went ahead I'd assumed it was confirmed and would start looking at dates.
Ring appeared 3 weeks later.
Just ask him!

• if WE went ahead

Just be honest. Say: marriage is important to me and is like to be married in the next [insert number] years. If that's not the case for you that's absolutely fine, I'll give you 3 months to think about it then perhaps we should call it quits if we're not on the same page.

Wait for what? You've wasted enough time not knowing where you stand already. You're already in your 30's, if you want children you really need to advocate for yourself. Your silence will get you exactly nowhere.

The time to discuss marriage was before you moved in together, not afterwards.

I think many men feel too young for marriage in their twenties - I got married at 29 and I still felt very young

I'd say at 27 and after only two years together thats very young by todays standards to be talking about marriage.

I think the biggest concern here is that you've been living with this man for over a year, you want to spend the rest of your life with him and yet you can't even have a discussion about marriage.

That doesn't seem right at all to me.