Partner avoids any discussions or planning

[Pamela83]

My partner is loving and supportive, but he avoids discussions and plans for our future. When I found out that I was pregnant with his child (unplanned), I was in shock and obviously wanted to discuss the situation with him, and whether or not to go ahead with the pregnancy. All he said was that he would want the child, but that it is my decision. During the next two weeks while I tried to come to a conclusion, I really felt that I would like to talk more to him, but he said that he told me already everything he had to say, and he doesn't want to talk about this topic anymore. I would have wished more support in this situation, but I decided to cut him some slack. This might have been emotionally difficult for him as well, since he wanted the child and saw that I was unsure. Also, I do respect and appreciate that he didn’t want to put any pressure on me, and maybe it was for the best that I had to come to a decision on my own.

But unfortunately he also avoids other - in my opinion - really important conversations. I wanted to talk to him about how we can share childcare duties (we are both working). He isn’t willing to discuss this, he just gets upset and says that he won’t enter a ‘contract’ (a strange way to put it, it was just a conversation) about when he has to look after his child. He also said that I must think badly of him if I feel the need to discuss these things. I didn’t mean to imply that I think he wouldn’t care for his child, but I thought it is very reasonable to discuss logistics around childcare. I would like to get his views on this, ie what he thinks he could do, what I think I could do, if we decide to use a nanny at some point….do other couples discuss these things if they are planning for/expecting a child? Or am I being unreasonable for trying to make some plans? Also worth mentioning, we have different personalities, I have anxieties and making plans gives me a sense of security (even if these plans change), whereas he tends not to think ahead at all. I don't doubt that he is committed to this relationship, and he really wants to start a family with me, but I find it very hard to take these steps if he is unwilling to talk about these things.

I don’t know how you can say he’s loving and supportive when there’s obviously a huge lack of emotional care from him.

He's not being emotionally available. I know you want help formulating a plan but he's not going to be any use. Use family and friends formulate a plan and present it for agreement. Or even if it's just an option. You sadly don't have a choice but to forward plan now and you will at least get your best available option in first. But he can always turn around and change goal posts. It's just buggers own. You'll have to rely on you which can be very upsetting but also empowering depending on how you look at it. But YANBU you'd have hoped for support.

If I were you I'd make all arrangements without him. He's going to be a nightmare to rely on, he's being ridiculously unhelpful and if he's like this now - with a full night's sleep - he won't lift a finger when your baby is here.

You are in effect going to be a single parent.

Sounds like he needs to deal with a huge level of anxiety about everything, thats why people are avoidant.

Its not very grown up to not address things with the person that you share your life (presumably home?) and now child with.

Do you live together and was the house /flat originally yours?

How exactly is he supportive? He sounds the opposite of supportive to me

This is just childish and ridiculous in the extreme. Of course you need to discuss things! He needs a huge kick up the arse.

Yes, we live together in my flat. He isn’t lazy, he definitely pulls his weight in the flat and does most of the cooking. Judging by this, I don’t really think he would avoid childcare duties.
I said he is supportive because when I need him to do something, he would always help, and he takes interest in my work, tries to give advice when needed, gives me a hug when I am upset etc. But I get the points that were raised about a lack of support in other situations like the ones I described, and I do agree. I think the problem for him really lies in the planning and talking about things, rather than doing them.

(Posted under wrong account by mistake)

He probably suffers from anticipatory anxiety, which during a 9 month pregnancy is going to be very difficult for him if he doesnt employ some strategies to recognise it and deal with it. Children involve a lot of discussion, pre planning, flexible responses, more pre planning and understanding what options and consequences there are for each bit of their lives.

The thing is with kids it's all about the planning. How you will split any shared paternity leave. How you will both change your hours when you get back. What childcare you'll have. For example some couples, one does compressed hours which means the other does more in the week but then they save a fifth of their childcare bill. Or both decide to drop their hours slightly instead of one taking the career hit. My husband got agreement to go to work and leave work later, and I got agreement to leave work earlier so that we could manage pick up and drop off logistics. You cant leave this stuff to the last minute and find out that one of your workplaces won't agree to it.

Unless you are approaching it that you doubt he will step up, then its completely fair and normal to ask how it's going to work (rather than if it's going to work) and to be honest his refusal to discuss anything would make me doubt that this would work

His behaviour isn’t only related to having a child, it’s his general reaction to any kind of future planning. I think it might be fear of failure. He doesn’t want to set any expectations at all so he can’t fall short of anything. Also doesn’t want to make any arrangements for pension / even talk about it and insists he wants to live as a poor man when he is old. I’m the total opposite. I try to sympathise as much as I can because I have my own fair share of anxieties, but I come to a point where I have to question my future with him.

It would be wise to discuss how you would finance maternity leave, childcare expenses and other child related expenses with him before you decide to continue the pregnancy. Otherwise you are very likely to find yourself paying for all. Can you afford that? And do you want that?