Abusive ex and nuptials…

[Mixiie]

Long story short… Ex (father of my first two DV) and I separated 10 years ago, I left him as he was an alcoholic. We both now have long term partners and DC.

He moved away after we separated which was very traumatic for DC as we’d had 50/50 shared care until then. He’s been sporadic with contact and always puts his own interests first. DC love him dearly but have been caused a lot of pain and both been through counselling over the situation.

Ex and I have no contact, conversations quickly descent into him effing and blinding at me when he doesn’t get his own way.

So he is getting married in a month. We were given no notice, just a text yesterday to say he wants to take DC out of school for the last two days of term. One DC is in year 6 and going to a different school to his friends so this is a big week. He doesn’t want to go to the wedding.

School have agreed but I am really upset, I’ve tried to compromise with him and offered to drive them to where he lives myself as the wedding is on the Saturday, not even a weekday. He’s just swearing at me and saying I’m being ridiculous. Am I?

Tell him it's your suggestion or nothing at all. Ds doesn't even want to go or miss his last days of year 6 - that stuff is important.

Put your kid's need first. He doesn't want to go so he doesn't go. Seems reasonable to me in this situation.

Does the other child want to go?

Kids don’t need two days out of school for a weekend wedding you can transport them to on the actual day. Hard no!

Just say no.

*DC not DV

As he's not stated what he is doing in the 2 days prior to the wedding to the children, then tell him the truth - that is your child doesn't want to miss school as he enjoys it so you will be driving them both over early Saturday morning.

Then ignore all his messages.

Oh and make your son go to the wedding as very soon he will not go to see his father at all and it will clearly be his choice. There as at the moment you will be accused of parental alienation and abuse.

Thanks all, this is what I feel too. He has a way of making me question myself and feel like the bad guy while also making me really angry… I’ve thoroughly enjoyed not dealing with this for the past couple of years, I’d almost forgotten how he operates and now it’s just thrown me.

DS doesn't want to go, I wouldn't even make him go on the Saturday after how his father has treat him! He's not a fucking toy to be put on display when it suits his father!

no way would I make him miss the end of term with his mates to attend. NO WAY.

'DS already had plans which HE doesn't want to miss out on'. IF he wants to come on the Saturday, I'll facilitate it, but I'm NOT making attend.

rinse & repeat.

Other DC is so-so about going but doesn’t want to go on his own.

1. Ds has said he doesn't want to go. Why are you forcing him to attend? He's nearly at the age where even a judge would .isten to his wants.
2. Who will be lookng after the children on the wedding day? Strangers?
3. What is happening in those two days that couldn't be done in the school holidays or weekends?

Surprised school okayed it for the other dc, how old are they? BTW, end of a school before going to "big" school is a massive event to children. Its on a par to getting married as an adult. Dont be too hasty to deny your child that.

YADNBU. And no, they don't have to go at all if they don't want to. I assume that their contact with everyone on their father's side has been pretty minimal so it sounds like they wouldn't know many people well, their dad wouldn't be paying them much attention and you wouldn't be there. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. If they want to go, great, but, as others have said, this Y6 stuff is important and frankly sounds much more fun.

Have you told the school dc doesn't actually want to go? Why would the authorise this when it's a Saturday wedding? He can get them at 3pm Friday

I’m going to contact the school shortly, I’m assuming he’s lied re dates!