Dad driving me mad

[Rosequartz48]

Name changed for this.
My first thread so hope I'm in the right place.
Not sure where to start really but my dad drives me mad. He's quite entitled and he will tell me to buy him stuff, not ask. I didn't bring up fathers day, he just told me to get him a present and what he wants. And the thing he asked for he's already got. He likes to have spares of everything because he's a hoarder. On top if this, he's got a fair bit in the bank so he can easily afford stuff himself whereas at the moment I'm looking to get a mortgage and he knows this because I've told him I can't afford to buy unnecessary bits and pieces right now.
I can't talk to him about his behaviour because he won't acknowledge anything or validate my feelings so I end up really upset trying to get my point across whilst he has no insight at all.
He lives alone and can get a bit demanding but sometimes he's not obvious with it, he can be quute manipulative.
I grew up in an abusive household and my dad didn't step in and stop the abuse so I hold a lot of resentment for him anyway but this on top is all just getting a bit much.
There's been loads of little things he's done to upset me but they are starting to pile up and I'm getting to a point where I don't want to go and see him.
My confidence and self esteem is shit and really feel like I need to focus on myself but I feel so guilty if I don't visit him as he puts it. It's just expected and I feel so stressed.
I just need advice on what to do moving forward as he's 75 and not sure I can deal with the guilt walking away. There's a lot more to it, I could write a book if I'm honest but I've tried to be as brief as I can.
Thank you

Mine is like this, likes to have several of the same thing. He has a larder full of food, but asks me to get more. Goes into meltdown if he’s on the last of something. Mine has anxiety, which he won’t treat, so he can go to the shop himself but he has to be in the right head space to do it.
You need to say that you’ll get it if he gives you the cash. You have to stick to not doing it unless he gives you the money.

Boundaries. You need to start being firm and if he has a tantrum when you put them in place you ignore it. Do not get drawn into an argument about it. So for Father's Day. "Sorry Dad, I'm not doing Father's Day gifts this year as I'm on a very tight budget and times are hard".

You don't need to stop seeing him, you just have to learn start being in charge of the direction the relationship goes in.

I forgot to mention he invites himself if I'm going on holiday and he has done some pretty disrespectful things on top of what I've already mentioned.
I'm not very good at articulating myself. I have MH issues so that could why.
I'm an awkward person and can never seem to get out fully what I want to say and my thoughts end up all over the place so I end up shutting down with him. I get overwhelmed easily. I have an easier time having boundaries with others, it's just my him. I'm NC with my female parent.

It does sound as if you'd benefit from some counselling if you're not already getting any with your MH.

I find having a pre-prepared script is very helpful for setting boundaries in place. So if your dad tells you to do something that doesn't work for you have a short, non-conversational sentence pre-prepared with "no" and a non-arguable rationale to close down any argument eg the Mumsnet standard "That doesn't work for me". Two of three of these might be very helpful - one "No, I can't afford that" or I use "oh dear, what are you going to do about that?" when presented with problems that I am expected to fix (eg "I've lost my bus pass" "oh dear, what are you going to do about that?"). Have a think back to the last 2 or 3 unreasonable requests from your father and see if something like that might help.

Thanks @LadyGardenersQuestionTime
That's good advice.
The thing is he's a really capable 75 year old. He can move round easily and has no major health concerns apart from the fact he's borderline diabetic which isn't great. That's another story really but it's not as though he can't function without help especially financial.
He plays on my heartstrings/exaggerates and can moan for hours about god knows what. I end up shutting down but you're right I need to be better equipped with responses.
I have had councilling before but maybe I need another round. I've got complex PTSD, OCD, anxiety, depression. Possisible other undiagnosed issues.

Us parents are not owed anything by our children, and that goes for your dad too.

You sound like you have been conditioned to think you need to do everything he says and you mustn't "be naughty" and defy him. That is bollocks! You are both adults and like any adults (outside the workplace!), neither of you is the boss of the other. He is not the boss of you.

If his shitty behaviour drives you away, so you don't visit or help him out, that is his choice. It is 100% on him. You would be doing the right thing to protect yourself from him. There is no law that says you need to accept his ridiculous demands - because that's what they are, ridiculous demands. Be kind to yourself, and seek help to build up your strength so you can assert your completely reasonable right to tell him no, that won't be possible, I have other things I need to do/spend the money/time on.

I know that it won't solve the root causes but stop telling him things - like your holidays - he can't invite himself that way

Practice in the mirror " No Dad I can't afford it". That is the only phrase you need to repeat how ever many times he asks.

Don't share information. Any of it.

You owe your parents Nothing At All.

I found myself over sharing because I needed to make conversation !
You need to learn to be a bit more assertive, the phrases mentioned above are perfect. Learn them and use them regularly !
Think of things you can talk about when visiting, like the news, so he has less opportunities to muscle in on holidays .

Thank you everyone for the advice ❤️
It seems I need to get better with boundaries and it's something I'm going to work on.

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic childhood; it must be incredibly hard to live with the legacy of that.

When you say he tells you to buy him things, do you mean for birthdays/Christmas/Father's Day, or is he also asking for random gifts?

If it's a case of 'Rosequartz, I've decided what I want for Father's Day' and it's something you can't stretch to, you could probably say 'I can't afford that, I'm afraid. If you want to suggest something around the [whatever your budget is] mark I'll be happy to get that instead, or I could choose something for you or cook you a meal instead if you prefer. Up to you.'

If it's case of him just asking you for random stuff for no reason, then a simple 'I can't afford to buy you these things, Dad. You have money in the bank and you can get them for yourself if you need them.'

I wouldn't tell him I was going on holiday. If he asks you outright what you've got planned and you don't want to lie to him, then simply say 'We're going to go to [wherever]. It will be just me/us, though, nobody else. I/we want to have time alone.'

I would keep contact to a minimum, if that. Bless you, you sound very ground down and you really deserve better. As others have said, he is choosing to behave this way; you can choose not to put up with it and should not feel guilty - you've tried your best and owe him nothing.

There is a very wise and supportive thread on here for similar situations with ageing parents and issues around them - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4500497-Cockroach-cafe-Spring-2022?watched=1 It's full of support, wisdom and humour.

Best wishes to you. x

Thanks @10HailMarys He asks for random gifts as well as special occasions. So as I was handing him his fathers day gift he asked for something else straight after. He said 'I wouldn't mind you getting me another one them sweatshirts too'

Sometimes he hints for ages and I don't take the bait so he will then be more direct in his demands.
I've got another break booked in September and I haven't told him. I go to a cottage for a week as it's a nice little break on a budget and usually he will tell me he's coming down for a day or 2 while I'm there (he drives)
Last time I told him no several times before he accepted it was a no. It wasn't a direct no though, I did beat around the bush making excuses but I was just grateful to get a weeks peace in the end.
There's been many other times I've backed down though.
He had me later in life (I'm 32) and he's been this way since I hit 18 and he moved out the family home. I just didn't really see it before. He's definitely getting worse with age though.

Thank you @REP22 I really appreciate it

I want to give you a big hug. This sounds so tough and clearly There is a long back story here!!

Boundaries boundaries boundaries
and more boundaries.

if I were you I wouldn’t even bother trying to talk to him about his behaviour, I highly doubt it will change anything and will just be frustrating for you.

in your shoes I’d lower contact significantly, either seeing him less frequently or for more shorter periods of contact. then I’d work on removing his ability to cross boundaries (eg not tell him where the holiday cottage is, setting a limit on what you are happy to spend on a gift).

Ultimatly he won’t change, so all you can do is change how you interact/or don’t with him.

You're capable of going NC - you've done it with one, you can do it with the other.

He clearly adds nothing to your life other than increasing your stress and outgoings. Get rid and live your life.

@UncaDonald I see what you mean although It's hard with family and my dad is the "good" parent. Other parent is a different kettle of fish. Although I agree something needs to done and I appreciate the advice.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow Thank you that genuinally means a lot

I did it eight years ago. He shacked up with a other woman within eight months of DM passing away. They'd been married nearly 30 years and I couldn't be doing with that. Few years later he was causing issues in my own relationship.

Cancer cut out and we're happy. Doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me and you've already proven strong enough. From what you've said, all he does is cause you stress. Do you need it? No. Do you deserve it? No. So why put up with it?

Blimey! He's got a bloody cheek, hasn't he? I definitely think that you are going to need to be much blunter with him - I know that's really, really hard, especially with the emotional baggage of your childhood that you're carrying, but I think you can do this. You're really bloody strong to have got through your childhood with an abusive parent, and you can be strong now too.

When he says 'I wouldn't mind you getting me [some random gift or other]' I think you need to laugh and say 'Dad, if you really need this stuff you have money in the bank to buy it for yourself. You ask me for things all the time and I can't keep buying them for you; I can't afford it so it has to stop. I want to be able to spend my own money on things that I need and I'm not going to keep buying you gifts for no reason.'

He may well kick off or argue at this. If he does, say 'OK, sorry you feel that way but I'm not going to argue with you about it - I've been really clear what the situation is, so either we talk about something else or I'll go now.' And then stick to that - if he keeps on, say 'OK Dad, it was nice to speak to you but I am going to put down the phone/go home now. Talk to you soon' and hang up/leave.

I would really cut down contact - that way you're not exposed to his demands. I would even suggest that his behaviour is emotional abuse.

You are getting good advice on here.

You sound like a lovely person but you are being abused by your father.

This is an abusive relationship.

I would suggest you call Womens aid for a friendly ear and to support you withdrawing from this relationship as much as you feel able.

The less contact you have the better.

Your father is not a nice man.

He bullys and manipulates you.

Stop spending ANY money on him.

Focus on getting a home for yourself.

Your dad is not 'the good parent' just because your mother was abusive. Don't share so much with him and when he tells you he wants another gift, laugh (practise this!) and tell him to get it himself.

Thanks so much for the support everyone I really wasn't expecting it. ❤️It makes a nice change being validated about my feelings. I don't speak to anyone about it in real life anymore because there's too much to say and it's always the same..'you only get one dad or don't fall out with your dad.' They just don't seem to understand.
I'm going to take all advice on board and have a think about things.

Best of luck OP, just remember one parent not being as dreadful as the other one doesn't make them good!

Anyone who trots out the "you only have one Dad/Mum" has not had awful parenting so are in no position to judge.