So sick of it all...

[Bluewavesand]

I'm sick and tired of having infertility problems whilst everyone around me falls pregnant at the blink of an eye, even with unwanted pregnancies. I'm sick of all the medications and the pain and sickness it brings to my body. I don't understand why it's so hard for some and yet so easy for others... I'm sick of the worry that I hold deep down that one day in the future if I don't conceive my husband will leave me for someone who can concieve, even though he always assures me he would never.

I'm just sick and tired... My period is due in a few days after a medicated clomid cycle where I also got OHSS and ended up in hospital.. I know my period will come. I did a test today, and negative... And well, the bitch is never late for an appearance.

Sorry.. I just needed to vent..

Sorry you’re going through this. If only life was fair.

have they checkd your dh if he has fertility problems?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Life is cruel and unfair. I wish it were different.

Four years of infertility for us and two IVF cycles. The first ended in a miscarriage. We aren’t there yet but it gets easier OP. The pain was never as raw as the first year or two when the realisation hit that this was not going to happen naturally. I’ve never felt pain like that. But over time it gets better, you learn to cope. You learn to imagine your life without the baby. And to be okay with it. Not happy, but able to cope. We are still trying but I don’t feel the absolute despair I had in those first few years. I will be okay whatever happens now. x x x

Been there, done that. Including having to explain to A&E (went as advised by IVF clinic to do so) what OHSS actually was was. 49 follicles was not fun :-(

OP, you have all my sympathy. We were lucky and I fell pregnant on the second IVF cycle, but will never forget how awful it felt before. SiL had her second child as we were in the post-Clomid, pre-IVF gap, and I remember how hard it was to be around her and new baby; obviously I was pleased for her family, but also so painful a contrast to what we were going through.

If anyone tells you "it'll happen when you stop trying" or "just relax" or the friend of a friend story (tried for years, then surprise pregnancy at 86 years old and a healthy little genius popped out to cure all the world's woes) ... you have every right to (mentally!) stick a pregnancy test up their backside and tell them to swivel on it.

Good luck to you.

It’s utterly rubbish. So sorry you’re going through this

OP. Eleven years of infertility. Test after test after test. Laparoscopy to check the tubes and a course of Clomid all to no avail.
IVF which we had to pay for - fail.
Then an ectopic pregnancy. I did not know I was pregnant as I was bleeding and thought it was my period which were always erratic anyway. I lost a baby, a tube and an ovary.

Resigned myself to the situation and started doing other things.

I did not realise I was pregnant. I thought it was impossible so ignored the signs. It turned out one of my tubes was diseased after all and the other one worked fine. I had three children in four years.
There is always hope.

@Bunty55 there isn’t always hope. Your post is insensitive. It is cruel. It is not helpful.

Ffs why do some women even have to baby bomb infertility threads?

I was infertile for eleven years. i did not feel like a proper woman. It was hard watching friends and family having children. I grieved for the children I did not have. Don't tell me my post is insensitive. Don't even dare

You have clearly forgotten what it is like to still be infertile.

I’m so glad this worked out for you eventually @Bunty55, I hope it does give people hope. Even though hope can sometimes be painful too, it’s often better than the alternative.

@Bluewavesand I am so sorry you are going through this, you are not alone, and of course you are sick of it all, it’s such a tough road. Try to take good care of yourself, you probably need quite a lot of kindness now and to a bit of a rest from it all if you can get it. Sending a big hug 💐

ofcourseyouknowit

Thank you. I do understand what it feels like. I was desperate for a child and felt like my life was 'on hold' all of the time. It made me feel isolated from friends who were busy having babies and I had to put on a brave face when my sisters had children.
I had counselling on the advice of my gynaecologist but it did not help much.
When I had the ectopic the same consultant I had been under for years told me my chances of conceiving were now reduced by 50%.
I thought 50% of what ?
That was when I had to come to terms with it all. It was either accept the situation or go bonkers

Thanks for all your kind words. I just feel like I'm starting into a dark hole to be honest. Part of me wants to give up, throw my hands up and just accept what seems to be my destiny and the other part of me feels like what if the next cycle or the next treatment is what works.

Some days I hate my body, I'm a woman yet why when my body doesn't even do what's its supposed to do...

My period is due in the coming days and I'm not going to fantasize that it won't arrive.. Because it will.. It ALWAYS does. FML.

On days like today the pain feels so immense and I feel angry at the world, at myself and I hate myself for it.

Oh @Bluewavesand I hear you and I'm here with you too. Away this weekend with three friends who have babies and my heart is hurting. One of them conceived sincerely 12 days after they came off the pill (others both within 6mo).

My own feelings: I'm sick and tired of thinking about this every single day, all day. I can't go to the bathroom without looking at discharge and wondering about timing in a cycle (I'm someone with an ovulation disorder and extremely erratic cycles). I'm away this weekend full of fear cause it falls on cycle days 12-15 and if the meds actually work this cycle will be useless as no sex over critical point. I think about it and Google all day every day. All day. My life feels absolutely frozen in time.

I hate that I'm the broken one, that I am failing us (husband has super semen, it's not him). I don't worry he will leave me, but I worry some secret part of him will resent me and my body if we never get to have children. I blame myself for being overweight. I think others secretly blame me for this (my parents, husband). Infertility has made my body image so much worse .

I had so much hope for meds but they're not working as of yet. As a result my mood has absolutely crashed off a cliff.

Sorry to hear your walking the same path @TheDaydreamBelievers - it really it such a lonely road and I hear what your saying about discharge and how this whole thing consumes you on a daily basis. My best friend is pregnant after only having given birth last year to her third and it was an accident... I love her and support her and hold no resentment to her, but I can't help but wonder why not me.