Fed up of my exhausting stressful life

[winemedown]

Apologies, I know I am lucky in many, many ways but I just need to rage!
Surely there's got to be easier ways to live than this!
I'm a FT working mostly out of the house mum of a 7 and 5 year old. I work in the healthcare sector in a stressful clinical role. My DP is mostly an arse. We are trying to move house from a 3 bed to another 3 bed in the same area (don't ask). My DP has no idea or plan of how this is going to work (financially, logically etc) he just keeps throwing about melodramatic sayings like 'I will never be happy here, but if you want to stay then it's up to you '
FWIW I want to move but I am resisting doing everything as I did last time. I am NOT making all of the arrangements. I am not staying up until 2am putting things in boxes, I am not looking into and renting a garage and spending all my Sundays ferrying stuff there (he doesn't drive). I am trying to put the ball in his court but there is always an excuse 'anxiety, bad signal, short lunch break etc'.
My life is wake up, get kids ready, school drop off, work, home, cook, wash up, homework, bed. Oh except two days a week when I get to do school pick up and then shout 'kids please I'm trying to work' for two hours before the same routine as the other three days starts.
My weekends are a merry go round of kids birthday parties, family visits, taking DC's for activities and the minimal amount of housework needed to keep us from getting vermin. There is no child free time. DP doesn't take both children out due to not driving and the usual 'anxiety' so most weekends I take the kids out to come home to the house basically looking the same except he's wiped the surfaces.
If I left him to pack the house up he would do the bare minimum, so throw everything in boxes but not sort, give away, chuck. Or he would just chuck everything and we'd have to buy it again.
We're skint too so no money to throw at anything. No money for a cleaner or someone to move us. No money for extra childcare- nothing.
The whole thing just makes me want to hide. How do people manage it?

They ditch their feckless, useless partners.

They don't live with useless, idle selfish twats. Hth.

Sounds intense and I feel for you especially as you have a useless husband that seems to be making excuses not to do anything. If he doesn't drive then you can go out and have some time to yourself. We used to give each other a day off a month.

You can say no to birthday parties too.

I feel for you, it sounds exhausting

Well, Why are you moving?

You have a classic MN husband issue.

If you leave him then hopefully he will have the DC at least one night and one day every other weekend and you will get more of a break than you do now.

You won’t be resentful about clearing up after him and your workload will be reduced at home.

Then, when you feel like it, you have the option of meeting someone you actually fancy and having fun and a decent sex life again. Win win.

I know this is sounds like a excuse but if I dumped my partner surely I'd have more stuff to do and would still need to move anyway!

My own experience is that I am so so much happier once I divorced a man I no longer liked. My kids are happier too.

Was blown away with how much less I had to do, how things which used to be negative no longer were.

The washing for example - 7 loads per week down to 2 once he moved out!

But the main thing is the freedom of removing negativity from your life. I'll happily face my chores alone in peace.

Yes, but you wouldn’t be expending all this mental energy managing him and excusing his behaviour.

Even your disclaimer that you’re “lucky” in the opening salvo. You’re not. You know you’re not. You’re living a diminished and diminishing existence. Bin the fucker. You deserve better and your kids deserve a better example. Open yourself up to new opportunities, even if that means seizing then alone.

Yip. 14 years and I have a new life and my own space and I'm doing all the stuff I was doing with my kids. I don't have to deal with her or her kids any more. I'm dating and everything is lovely but it took about 12 months and I am free and have my own space and can only moan at myself if the dishes ain't done.

In your shoes I wouldn’t move house. Why do you think you should?

I'd chuck his useless butt out, stay in the house for now unless there is a burning reason you need to move, then reduce the running round at the weekend - cut down on activities, do less family visits (and without him you don't need to do his family). And he could have the kids every other weekend so you'd get a break

I wouldn't be able to afford the house on my own but I wouldn't mind a little two bed flat for us all if I could afford it

But he doesn’t do anything anyway. From what you say he doesn’t:

cook
wash up
clean
take the kids anywhere
drive
organise anything

So what would be worse if you were on your own? You’d still have all that to do but without the seething resentment.

And you might get single parent top up benefits like lower council tax bill.

Exactly what I did when I left my feckless ex taking my 6 and 3 year old. A lovely little 2 bed flat. Best. Decision. Ever. My kids (teens now and we live somewhere else now) still remember that flat with genuine fondness.

What more would you have to do? Is he doing anything at the moment?

What DOES he bring to the relationship/family and could you live without it/him?

Don’t move if you don’t have to. Decline parties now and again and do less. Sounds like too much.

Why ARE you moving OP? Seems like an exercise in futility

If he was a normal person though, one of the good ones, how much should he be doing to contribute to the move?
So for example when I am up doing the bedtime stories and bed routine, he is sat downstairs on his phone. He says I am unreasonable to ask him to do more as he has been out the house from 6 and gets home at 7 (true but where's my 45 minute sit down?) I think he should find some low energy task (sorting out books for example) and if he really wanted to move (like he says) then he would use anytime available to try to progress things.

@Graffittiunderpass I can't say without being too outing but we have no choice and it will only get worse. I'm willing to move but there is no way I am doing everything.
He wants everything done for him.

Throw him out, useless waste of space

We moved last year (from US to UK so maybe a bit more work, but moving is moving!) DH worked full time and I was a sahm. He definitely didn’t get a 45 min sit down as soon as he got home. He had to do his share of bed and bathtime.

DH did a lot of DIY and decorating jobs on our house in the evenings and weekends. He also organised and packed up the entire of the garage (full of his random crap), his office (also his crap), and all our garden stuff. I managed all of the moving process and did the majority of the organising and cleaning and packing, but it was definitely a team effort.

Get packers if you are moving. It’s definitely worth it

My DH always does bath and bedtime with me unless he has a (rare) legitimate work reason or a (rarer) evening off, in which case he would not be in the house. If for some reason he was not doing bath and bedtime with me he would be tidying our bombsite kitchen, prepping our dinner if we have decided to eat seperately to the kids, or sorting recycling and doing bins. No way would he be on his arse on his phone - and vice versa neither would I.

Why are you moving?

Why are you with him?

Why are you doing everything and letting him do nothing?