Does anyone else do anything like this or am I crazy?

[starrel]

This is to do with MH - I was in psychological therapy a few months ago but I was discharged and he saw no issue with this problem, but I feel like it's now affecting me a lot.

For the past 10+ years, I have had this thing occur where I just want a 'fresh start', like a new life.
To do this, I'll make sure I'm 'ready' (pamper sessions done etc), the house is spotless (and sometimes rearranged), and I've done countless lists revolving around organisation/plans.
And then in my 'fresh start', I'll be the 'perfect' person that I want to be and keep on top of everything - I'll set out a plan of what personality traits I'd like to have.

This usually happened every few months but now it's every few days
So the cycle is seeming to go:

1. Start 'fresh start'
2. Something (usually something really minimal like the house gets out of hand, I say something that doesn't align with the personality traits I wanted etc) happens
3. I go into a slump not looking after myself very well with no hope for anything, highly irritable and anxious
4. I want the 'fresh start again, so I do all the steps for everything to be perfectly 'clean' again for it

And repeat.

Like I said, the therapist discharged me quickly and saw this as regular burnout.
I'm just looking for other people's opinions on it and I feel like it all sounds really irrational/doesn't make sense.
I haven't brought it up to any of my family/friends because I feel like it'll ruin my chance at that 'perfect' 'fresh start' as they'll know that I'm doing it

I don’t want to pathologise something and I’m not a medical professional but I can see that this must be really draining.

So, you have a view of the perfect person you want to be and when you can’t keep up with the reality you go into a depression.

it sounds as if there are two sides: the perfectionism and the reality, and for some reason they’re not integrated, and are completely opposed. I think most people are able to live somewhere in between and be kind to themselves about the things they can’t manage (keeping the house spotless as an example is unrealistic for most people).

Do you have trouble accepting that you’re not the “perfect” person? It sounds like it. We’re you made to feel that as a child? Getting to the root of what’s behind that might help you to become more accepting of yourself and not keep setting yourself up to fail.

As a fellow MH sufferer, that doesn't sound normal or healthy. Whilst there are far more damaging things you could be doing or feeling, ultimately this is about you not feeling good enough and feeling exterior change is vital for internal happiness. The fact it's ramped up to every few days and become your default coping mechanism is something you need help with and it's not great for your therapist to have brushed it off. After the initial therapy goal is reached I think most people still need 'tweaks' and this is one of yours- not something that needs long intensive treatment but help with adjusting.

@Nightmanagerfan yeah, 100% struggle with that - it's definitely worth going back and thinking about, I can't remember how I felt as a child in terms of perfection!

@SilverDragonfly1 no I hated that he brushed it off as nothing - it was the first time I'd opened up to anyone about feeling like it

I wonder if it is an issue with you certain you feel of your identity. That is a difficulty people sometimes experience following trauma.

It sounds exhausting and definitely not "nothing", though it may not be an issue that meets the bar fir NHS support.

I thing degrees of it are normal but maybe what you're doing is more consuming.

It's very common when you think about how people gear up at New Years to be healthier and they make big long lists of everything they're going to change and then as soon as one thing goes it all gets chucked in.

I also do it at work a lot where I'll put everything on hold to just get organised and will spend a day sorting my inbox, making categorise to do lists etc, feel great for a few days then it all gets out of hand again.

OP have you ever looked at adult woman's accounts of adhd and does anything resonate?