Ex-Collegue Won't Stop Moaning

[moaningmyrtle4]

Hi all,

First time on Mumsnet, but I am slowly tearing my hair out, and I can't find a similar discussion.

I left a job almost three THREE years ago.
I left as the company was not helping me progress in my career, as a women. There was a lot of passive misogyny, and boys club meetings.
I moved to my dream job in tech (woo!) where I am very happy.

I have an ex-colleague who I worked with for about a year in my direct department, who I mentored, who is going through a lot of issues.
They have been messaging me non-stop with every negative update from the team, constantly moaning about their boss, pay rises, culture at the company, just everything.

I have tried to give advice on moving on, but they just don't take. I have tried to guide them on good jobs to apply for, where to look, but they are being totally unrealistic in what they are applying to.

AIBU in being annoyed at both

1. them messaging me constantly


2. being pissed off they are not taking my advice, which prolongs their bad situation, and consequently their stream of messages to me

He's a sweet guy, but I left the company mentally long before I physically left, and I have a different career now with it's own stresses, I just can't listen anymore / can't help him if he won't listen

Humph.

Tell him! I empathise, but I don't have the headspace for endless moaning. Why doesn't he just leave?

You're a lot more patient than I am! He is just using you, isn't he? I wouldn't give any advice now - his time for taking that has passed. I wouldn't listen any longer - what would be the consequences of you blocking him?

Just take longer and longer to reply to each message and make the reply shorter and shorter. It's not like your replies are inducing any positive change now, anyway!

I’d have blocked him long ago! Stop engaging with him

Are you his support human? I mean bloody hell how old is he? Just stop replying

He's an ex-colleague, not a best friend. Next time he contacts you say you've given him all the advice you're able to and it's up to him to actively find a new job if he's so unhappy with his current one. Then block his number if it's not necessary for you to stay in contact.

I would probably just reply that you have moved on from that work environment and have no interest in discussing it at all. I would send the exact same reply to every work related statement. It will be interesting to see if you hear much more from him.

You know YANBU! You owe him nothing. He’s a drain. Just block him.

He is treating you like a sponge, there to soak up all his bad feelings and negativity.
I would reply "oh dear, wish I could help but I have so much going on here that I'm struggling to keep myself straight let alone you 🤣🤣" then just not reply any further.

Block him completely. Moaners cause burn out, I refuse to listen to them.

You could try one last message along the lines of
Dave I’ve repeatedly given you my advice which is to .. x,y,z. I’m not sure what more I can do to for you as you don’t seem to want to take it.

if you don’t want to block him mute him and don’t reply to him.

I have this with an ex colleague who I like a lot and enjoyed working with. We have met for lunch a few times since I left and all she does is moan and vent. I had hoped we could move our friendship on to one not to do with work but it is obvious that we cannot and I just am going to pull away from her now. I left for all the reasons she moans about and I find it increasingly hard to listen to it all over an over again. I think you need to step back now, you made a choice to leave and they can do the same.

Just stop
replying

He's just having a moan, you don't have to go out of your way to give him advice (or even read his messages in any detail). Just say something generic like "sorry to hear that", he'll move on.

Block him. Why on earth are you letting random man bother you?

One text every time you get a moan. “ I’m glad I left” or “ I’m glad I found another job” or similar —- same text every time they moan. They’ll soon get the message.

YABU for not addressing this. Block him or only respond once a week.

Just tell him "I sympathise but I left the company quite a while ago so I can't help you I'm afraid. Keep repeating it and if he doesn't get the hint then block!

Thank you everyone - you have made me realise I am being treated like a sponge - and most importantly, I am not being unreasonable!

I am going to reply with "I'm glad I left" and if he continues regarding the lack of new role, I will tell him I have given him all the advice I can.

Let's see if he can take a hint 🙄

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I worked for a dickhead company for over 10 years. I got a new job but my friend remained and continued to moan about it constantly. A couple of years later she was offered a new job but turned it down because dickhead offered her more money. At that point I told her that I would not be listening to her moaning anymore and to find someone else who would listen. Every time she brought it up I would just cover my ears laughing at her and tell her to change the bloody subject. She did learn and has since moved on thank fuck 😆

Why do you need to keep replying?
That's not me being a cow 😁 I mean it genuinely.
He's someone you worked with for a bit, several years ago. If it was me I'd just stop responding.

I think telling him the reason you left is because you wanted to get away from all this negativity, so you don't want to be constantly reminded of it, is better than hinting.

It's your boundary he's crossing, and your responsibility to reinstate it.

Just tell him that you've had enough of the moaning and not to contact you again!

Break off all contact. If he persists, give him one warning and then contact your former employer to tell them you are being harassed by him. Some of what is being said could be confidential matters that should not be told to you or anyone outside the company.