To write in the card? (Trigger warning SIDS)

[flightofthesevenmillionbumblebees]

Would really appreciate other perspectives as I really don't want to upset anyone..

Dd1 has a friend near her dads (he lives quite far away), they've had lots of sleepovers and play outside together when dd is visiting (in school holidays) and FaceTime occasionally when she's back home. Dds friends mum was pregnant while I was pregnant with dd2, she was due after me but had her dc early and the dc was in hospital for a while as was v.small. I had my dd about a month later.

Dds friends sibling very sadly died of sids recently. I'm tearing up just thinking about it, it's every mother's worst nightmare and having a dc so close in age it hits close to home iykwim. I cannot imagine what hers friends mum (and dds friend) is going through :(

I'm arranging for dd to send a sympathy card and was wondering if iabu to also write a little something in it? I've never met the family and only seen dds friend on FaceTime so I feel like maybe it's not my place. I'm also very conscious that I have a similar aged baby who is living and I don't want to remind the mum of that iyswim??

I wasn't planning to write much, just something along the lines of 'I know we don't know each other but I've been thinking of you and I'm so sorry'. Do you think this is okay, or should I leave it as just from dd? The last thing I want to do is upset this poor woman who is going through something so so terrible. I'd appreciate opinions, especially if you've ever been through this, whether it would have been upsetting or a comfort? Thank you

(I've put a trigger warning in title, I hope that's okay..)

You sound lovely OP. I think you should write what you have put here.

There will be, most likely, other people who she knows with children and babies who will offer their condolences.

I think it's lovely that you and your DD are sending a card. It's really thoughtful and we could all stand to be a bit more thoughtful these days.

❤️

I think that is lovely and you are kind to think of them x

I think it's lovely that you want to write and acknowledge that loss. I would go ahead and write something similar to what you wrote, but I would mention the child by name. They were a person with a life and I'd want that acknowledged personally.

I'm sure there are people here who have more insight though. But having experienced sudden loss, though not of a child, I appreciate when people gently acknowledge the loss rather than being so nervous about upsetting me that they pretend they didn't exist. It's always surprising how thoughtful people who I wouldn't have expected support from were.

That's fine, they will appreciate it

Hi, send the card - preferably a "thinking of you" type rather than "in sympathy". I wouldn't do the present. It doesn't matter that you don't know what to say. Keep it simple. "We were so very, very sorry to hear your news" or similar.

I say that as someone whose baby died very young.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your thoughts.

I will absolutely use dcs name and get a thinking of you card rather than sympathy (thanks so much for those reminders/suggestions)

Do write in the card, I found it helps me to know people care.

Kind words are always a good thing. Write what you’ve written here. Even if it doesn’t help now, there’s a good chance that the family will read the cards back in the months ahead and your warmth will be appreciated.

That's very kind and I think it would be appreciated. We had a few cards when my baby died in 2016 and tbh I have no idea what's written in them now as I think I've just mentally blocked it out. but I do remember who sent them and was so touched that people I hadn't seen for a few years due to distance went to the trouble. Even though I've been in that situation, I'm not sure if I'd know what to write. What you wrote sounds perfect.

Thanks for replies.

Also to those of you who are speaking from experience, I am deeply sorry for your losses ❤️

As the mum of an angel baby, I think you sound absolutely lovely and kind.
I agree that a 'thinking of you' card might work better - sympathy cards feel a bit weird for babies- I don't know why, maybe they're a bit mature?
Thinking of you, and if you'd like you could even pop in I'd love to take you out for a coffee sometime. Its sometimes better to do this than say 'I'm here for anything you need' as it puts it on the parent to reach out for what they need, if that makes sense.