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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this my fault/responsibility to bear?

12 replies

Unsure34 · 23/06/2022 12:21

Hi everyone, to cut a long story short: husband had an affair with work colleague. Discovered at the start of the year by me. Very soon after it finished but there were a couple of further communications. Her saying she had no regrets, my husband seemingly disagreeing… Him emailing her something work related but branching off into a joke. Since then my husband has continued to work in the same job / environment with her office being metres from his. He has stated that they have NO COMMUNICATION at all. I found this hard to believe so yesterday I popped into his office to say hello. Everything was polite and cordial and I didn’t see the OW apart from passing her office but it has its confirmed to me that they are working still in such close quarters.
Alongside my husband says that it will ruin his life (dramatic, I know) if he has to move jobs for a pay cut (he has a promotion at work which wouldn’t be instantly transferable). He has applied for a couple but he always puts the burden back on me about how difficult this is for him and how I should see it from his perspective? I then start to feel guilty like I should be accepted that he says he doesn’t see her / have feelings for her?

OP posts:
GCRich · 23/06/2022 12:26

Erm... surely EVERYTHING is on him. His shit, he can clean it up. End of.

IndecisionnCentral · 23/06/2022 12:31

This is 100% his doing. His responsibility to fix, if he wants to save the marriage.

You didn't bloody well tell him to have an affair. Honestly, why stay with him? He sounds awful.

RincewindsHat · 23/06/2022 12:33

If he didn't want to deal with the fallout from having an affair, he should not have had the affair. End of. He should be bending over backwards for you right now but instead he's gaslighting you.

Unsure34 · 23/06/2022 12:36

We have children together - the youngest being four so yes to a certain extent I feel huge responsibility to ‘keep the peace’ but yesterday before I decided to pop into say hello, I was thinking to myself, why should I toe the line and not speak about it nor ask difficult things of him?!

OP posts:
BurnishedSteel · 23/06/2022 12:51

Wow, he sounds great. Not only an adulterer but chucking a bit of gaslighting into the bargain too. Nice.

Topgub · 23/06/2022 12:56

Nah.

Unless he was literally distraught and begging for me to forgive him and willing to do anything take up for it, it would be over.

Chances are it would be over any way

IndecisionnCentral · 23/06/2022 13:04

why should I toe the line and not speak about it nor ask difficult things of him

Exactly.

He's made the mistake, and there are consequences. Telling you to see it from his perspective really highlights what a selfish cretin he is. What he actually wants is to have his cake and eat it, and for you to keep the peace.

Have you considered seeing a solicitor, and getting your options together?

HairyDad · 23/06/2022 13:18

You have children together...so what. Do you want them to grow up knowing that you're miserable? I left my ex when our child was 4, I was wracked with guilt but it all turned out fine and I'm much happier now. Kids are resilient if both parents can be civil to each other. You can still respect your husband as a father, but you don't have to stay with him. The choice is your of course, but I would not stay with anyone who cheated on me. I'm worth more than that, and so are you

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 13:21

You don't trust him. Everything else is secondary.

Naunet · 23/06/2022 14:07

Well he doesn’t sound very apologetic does he?

Crankley · 23/06/2022 14:28

Even though you appear to have forgiven him as you're still with him, you will never forget and you will never trust him again. What sort of life is that?

He says it will ruin his life; what about your life? Tell him he should be seeing it from your perspective, then he will see a liar and a cheat who should be begging you on his bended knees for foregiveness, not whining about his job.

Even if you have no intention of leaving him, I would tell him to move out for a couple of weeks to give you time to think and decide what you want to do.

I'm sorry, it must be heartbreaking but do not allow him to call the shots. They are for you to call now. Even if you don't feel strong enough, fake it until you make it and take back control of your life.

Good luck.

Cas112 · 23/06/2022 16:11

My partner would have no choice but to leave and find a new job. He made a choice when he had the affair and he has proven he cant be trusted, why would you trust him now?

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