To feel upset with FIL spending time with NC father

[PeppaPig4Tea]

I am NC with my dad after years of abuse and neglect. He was showing signs of behaving similarly towards my son. This culminated in him making a scene and walking out from his 2nd birthday party. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, despite hospital stays, cancer scares, pregnancy etc. You could say he’s NC with me too.

Prior to this, FIL would frequently play golf with D and my sibling’s FIL. Since the party a year ago, they haven’t played golf together. The third man in the equation has also not played golf with my D for over 6 months as they had their own falling out.

The third man and my dad seem to have made up recently and for a month now, my D phones/texts FIL nearly weekly saying he has booked golf. FIL has made excuses not to go but I think is more willing to go now the third man is playing again.

I’m feeling upset that FIL may spend time with D although he now has the knowledge of and has even witnessed his behaviour. On the other hand, it's FILs only hobby. AIBU?

I mean this kindly but you really don't get a say in who your FiL plays with. Stop discussing your dad with him.

Thank you for your reply. I understand I have no say in who does what with anyone. I don't discuss these things with my FIL at all. My DH and his DM chat about it. Might be worth telling DH I don't want to know about it.

YANBU to not want to see your dad, of course. But YABU to be upset that other people see him - you can’t expect everyone to see things the same way you do. However, I do think it would be completely OK to ask that you aren’t told about it - it’s totally understandable that you’d rather not hear about your father when you’ve had such an upsetting relationship with him.

You can't tell FIL who he can play golf with, but you can tell him that your father is an arsehole and it is hard to maintain respect with people who hang out with areholes, so he really should keep it secret or - if he really wants to minimise the risk of you thinking much less of him - just not do it. Surely there ar other golfers out there?

Then again, I'm not sure that my opinion of someone can get an lower than it reaches when I find out they play golf.

It could be that your dad is doing this to get to you. Classic abuser. I'm sorry 😞

Your FIL knows that you were abused and neglected by him so by having a friendshiphes showing you that he doesn't care. Maybe he thinks it's all water under the bridge, but to a victim it's NEVER water under the bridge, it's very much something that lives with you always.

You absolutely should make it clear you aren't happy and don't want to hear anything at all about these meetings. Also make it clear that if your FIL is not to discuss you or your life at all with your dad - who is likely trying to get at you through him.

It might be worth speaking calmly and privately to your FIL and explaining your relationship with your Dad, you could also ask him to not relay any details about your DC/his GC.

Fil has shown he doesnt want to spend one on one time with your dad. If he wants to go as part of a group don't grudge him the chance to enjoy his hobby.

Your FIL knows that this man has abused you yet chooses to socialise with him? I think you’re justified in being upset.

I don’t have any contact with my father as he abused me. I wouldn’t want to have any contact with anyone that mixed with him. My in laws would never want anything to do with him, they don’t like him because they know what he’s done to me. If they wanted to be friends with him, they could be, but I wouldn’t see them.

Thanks for the balanced perspective, everyone. DH will tell his DM we don't want to know anymore and ask not to pass on any information about us.