Separated child issues with other parent

[Rach1203]

Ok this maybe a long one and very complicated and my first time posting but here goes….

I have a daughter with previous relationship 13years old we split as parents 13 years ago just after birth. We shared custody all her life

I was in an abusive relationship and finally became free 9 years ago after 3 years of hell I married a decent man 2 years ago met him 6 years ago

he had a relationship which ended 6 years ago and has another child with her and he met and married a new girl just before I married after 3 month relationship it happened faster then I’ve ever known

Fast forward 2 years and our daughter is refusing to even visit dad will no longer share custody and I brought her a phone he pays for the sim contract and his wife put restrictions on it and was tracking her with her email in put into this phone to monitor her, he says it’s because she was acting up and had been not doing chores and had been caught vaping and excluded and he can’t monitor her using android like apple. He refuses to give her pocket money and has never given me a penny, I asked him for the log in to top up a lunch card and he said no and she doesn’t deserve the extra money added to by breakfast baps and she will have to get breakfast at home, she likes to meet with friends and eat breakfast and I don’t see this as an issue, he says she don’t speak to her other sibling and completely ignores them all that end. I see none of the behaviour described also I’ve spoken to the school and they said they shouldn’t say this but she’s been much better and happier in school since living here full time.

I decided to put in a claim for CMS 3 months down the line as my husband being the sole earner as I’m on maternity and we are struggling to pay for the extra travel food clothes etc and all I got was she has to go back and his not paying and I’m in the wrong and should of encouraged her to return and all we both want is money money money. And all this is because he has better expectations like picking her dirty washing up making her bed and she’s so ungrateful and told her if she lives here she’ll never amount to nothing and just be hanging around street corners vaping (I don’t agree with vaping) and how his told her a million times if she plays the game he’ll give her money, I’ve had to buy her a new phone as I can’t get this parental control off from his wife email linked account (any help doing this would be a dream) as they won’t take it off. And how she won’t go back as she’s taking the easy option and the lazy option of not facing responsibility and how she must communicate.

just to add I did try and encourage her and every time they’d have an argument he would just text and say he’ll be bringing this child back as she can’t behave it was a horrible cycle and I would have to drop everything and get home ASAP. She says she don’t want to go back and won’t fully tell me exactly what’s gone on.

am I wrong in now just letting her live here and claiming maintenance?

Do you have any agreements through the court or is it just an agreement between you that it was shared custody?

He shot himself in the foot by repeatedly sending her home to you as a punishment. That was a dumb move on his part.

Yes to the court order. I’ve only recently stopped making her/encouraging her to go due to the wife interfering with her phone

I will add court order is 10 years old I know it’s still valid until 18 and also she spoke with her grandparents and they told her if she doesn't return home she won’t be able to get money and there will be consequences. She doesn’t know what they mean and all I can think of is court.

She's 13. The court will take into account where she wants to live.

She is coming back up to an age where if she doesn't want to go, you can't actually make her.

School have said she is happier now she isnt living there.

I don't see what benefit there is of sending her

@DrinkFeckArseBrick no I don’t see any benefit, if anything it just puts her into a state, she did start self harming last year and was diagnosed with depression and this is when he started pushing her to come back here when she had bad days and they’d argue, she’s had therapy and seen gp and for the past month is now off all medication which the school was so happy about and obviously me. My husband thinks something has gone on up that end more then she and him have said. I know drops are coming out slowly like her phone restrictions as I asked her why she was on her phone to her mates as she loved videoing them and making silly vids with them and that’s when she told me it was all restricted to 30 mins a day and I went and got her a new phone as I don’t know how to get it all of it just says they have to do it there end

As others have said given her age the courts will take into account what your daughter wants, it may be worth seeking some professional advice on what will happen if they take you back to court or is it worth you initiating a new order based on her requests. Also make notes of things happening with dates just in case. I find it very odd GP saying there will be 'consequences' as that sounds quite daunting!

I would imagine if he did take it to court it wouldn’t end up going his way. Apart from the tracking issue and refusing to allow you to put money on her card, she is of an age where her wants may be taken into account. The school may support by saying the stability of one home has helped.
from an outsider perspective I do see the benefit in encouraging her to clean up after herself and take more responsibility but it does feel like he is being controlling rather than encouraging personal responsibility.

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone I found it quite intimidating and worrying but I shrugged it off to her and told her not to worry about it, thanks I think I’ll get some legal advice before it turns even more sour

@Sittingonabench she does all this in my house I’ve never had an issue with this even washes up daily after dinner she’s helpful without instructions from me. But his saying this is what the issue is at his but it don’t make any sense to me that alone surly wouldn’t warrant a 13 year old refusing to even have contact with him.