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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Milestone birthday and my DPs attitude

11 replies

Bubba585 · 23/06/2022 08:44

I’ve got a milestone birthday coming up… it’s in less than a few weeks.

Ive asked my DP if we are planning something or go away. He asked me what I wanted to do? I said a couple of things, brainstormed about a couple ideas… I asked him what he thinks and he just keeps saying that he looked too but I didn’t tell him what I wanted (I think I did)

I’m a bit sad to be honest. When he had his birthday (milestone) i put a lot of effort in organising a get together and his presents.

Is this normal? Ps I made it clear from the beginning that if we go away I do not expect him to pay for it all. Most of the time (actually always) we split holidays 50-50… he also said he is up for it but shows no interest which I find so hurtful

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 23/06/2022 08:54

There’s not really enough detail here. Is he always shit with birthday, occasions, generally anything he needs to put effort in?
Or is he just not telling you anything weeks in advance because why would he?
Only you really know the answer here.

Original poster

Bubba585 · 23/06/2022 08:56

He is always crap with making plans but since it’s a milestone birthday I thought he would make more effort

OP posts:

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 23/06/2022 08:57

@Bubba585
I think you should just say to him I don't mind organising it give me your bank card 😂

GroggyLegs · 23/06/2022 08:57

Any chance he's planning a surprise & being a bit shit to put you off?

DappledThings · 23/06/2022 08:59

I don't think he's done anything wrong. When DH had his 40th he planned a meal out with us and our friends and I suggested a couple of things for the actual day but he chose what we did. I think it's a lot of pressure expecting someone to get it right knowing what you want to do.

Doesn't sound like he isn't interested, he's happy to do what you want jist wants to make sure you are clear about what you want. Sounds fine to me.

Dancefever · 23/06/2022 08:59

I think you should tell him (again) exactly what you want to do and say, are you organising it or shall we do it together?

If you don’t it sounds like he won’t do anything and I don’t think it’s worth risking being disappointed on your birthday.

Lou98 · 23/06/2022 09:00

It sounds like you have been discussing a few ideas but he's waiting for you to decide on the one you want to do before booking anything?

Sorry if I've picked that up wrong but if that's the case, it would be nice if he could surprise you with something from the list but he's probably preferring that you do the one you really want to do so is waiting for you to decide. Once you've made a decision, see how he gets on with planning it.

Some people just don't get the birthday thing, milestones or not. It would be nice if he put in the effort but he probably doesn't get what a big deal it is for you

Original poster

Bubba585 · 23/06/2022 12:51

The chances of him organising anything in secret are 0. I get that not everyone is big on birthdays but I was hoping that he might care a bit more… every time I tried to talk to him about it his attention shifted elsewhere and didn’t show any interest and it made me feel utter shit

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2022 12:57

What would happen if you told him it means a lot to you that he puts some thought into this and organised something decent that he thinks you’ll enjoy? Message him if it means you get to finish it before he wanders off.

But it’s a risk and it sounds like he’s never going to the type who gives you what you want. Either because he doesn’t really know what you like or doesn’t care enough to make an effort. Sad whichever it is.

The other option is you disregard him all together and plan what you want with friends or for yourself.

Does he ever make you feel cherished and special? Is this a special occasion thing or a general relationship thing?

Clymene · 23/06/2022 12:58

If this sort of thing is important to you, end the relationship. He isn't going to change so you're going to spend your life being disappointed as you continually expect him to be someone he's not.

FWIW I couldn't give a shiny shit - if I want a big do, I arrange it myself.

BusyMum47 · 23/06/2022 12:59

@Bubba585 I'm sorry you feel like this & your DH seems to be so selfishly crap but you have 2 options here:
Either stew about it for the next few weeks, feeling constantly upset & then be predictably disappointed on your birthday OR grab the bull by the horns, sit your DH down, tell him EXACTLY what you'd like to happen & make it very clear how you will feel if it doesn't. Then it's all over to him. If he still does f@ck all, then you have a bigger problem in your marriage than birthday plans.

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