Husband’s hostile presence affecting parenting

[Franklynot]

I am a worse parent when my husband is around. He is emotionally absent with me which is draining and eats away but I try not to let it affect me anymore. Leaving is something I often think about but that’s another thread.

When he’s not at home I am even tempered, laid back and connect with the children (teens)

When he is around I have less patience, I’m anything but laid back, I am harsher with them. I see the subtle changes in me but I can’t seem to stop it.

It sounds like you need to leave him

I know. But need to manage this in the meantime. Don’t know why I change around him - his presence makes me feel uneasy, depressed

If your behaviour around your husband creates a miserable atmosphere for your children, you need to leave. There is no excuse for inflicting a bad marriage on children.

Is there anything he could do differently that would make you feel more relaxed when he's around?

What's he like with the kids? I'm wondering if you are being strict because he's too permissive or you're strict because he says that you are too soft?

But this isn't about the kids at all! Its about your marriage being unhappy.
What you are really asking is how do I accept being on an unhappy marriage?
The answer is you won't be an happier. Not ever. Why let this man rule you emotionally?

I’ve voted YABU because it sounds like you really need to leave him

Bringing your kids up in a house with an atmosphere like that is very toxic and has lifelong consequences. Believe me, I know. It will have a negative effect on your kids mental health, relationships and choices for the rest of their lives.
If this is permanent state of affairs, you really must separate, for their sake and your own.

Would they be better off living just with him?