To ask you to help improve my sex life

[helpmeplease101]

Ok. I’ve plucked up a lot of courage to post this and I have NC for obvious reasons. Please be kind!

I have two young children who were both delivered via emergency c section. Since my youngest was born ( 18months ago) DH and I have had sex twice. Twice!! I am still breastfeeding my youngest once a day but I’ve only just stepped this down from several times a day.

My sex drive is just non existent. I’m absolutely exhausted all of the time and barely spend any time with DH. He’s totally understanding and wonderful about it but I really want to make a change. I really want to want to have sex but I just have no desire.

So I’m not drip feeding- I am very dry down there even when I’m aroused which makes sex very uncomfortable for both of us. I have also had a herpes scare ( stupid GP who said I might have it but 4 tests have shown I don’t) which has massively bashed my confidence.

I really hope some of you might have some words of wisdom to help me get back in the bedroom!

I am not a doctor so please take my advice with caution. I think if you’re breastfeeding, your low libido and dryness are likely hormone related. I think you should discuss this issue with your GP. I once had the same issue and it was because I was on the wrong contraceptive pill. I got it changed and was fine. GPs are experienced with libido queries.

I’m not sure what they’ll recommend but I think it’s a medical issue rather than a you issue. Other than this, there are really good lubricants out there so try those (ones with the word ‘glide’ on them are the best usually). Also try masturbation to rediscover what you like.

Nobody but you can make time for you op.
I know it seems dreadfully clinical, but set aside time for an early night. Buy some lube and reignite your love life.

your children are still really young so it’s much easier to make time for yourself when their bedtime is 7pm

Also, take time to kiss your husband. Ts an amazing turn on if you spend all day stealing proper, full on snogs. 😜

Hey! Have you tried using toys and lots of foreplay to get you in the mood? Maybe a couple of glasses of wine so you feel more relaxed? Lube is your friend!!

I had similar after having DDs and I'm convinced it was hormonal. I found going to bed a bit earlier but not with the expectation of having sex helped. Often I say to DH could we just make time to kiss and cuddle in bed but then I find that giving him a proper snog is a turn on and it often leads to sex.....but not having it hanging over me as a big expectation helps.

Also, and I don't know how recommend this is tbh but after having DD2 sometimes I would have sex with DH when I wasn't in the mood to start with. He'd never pressure me at all but I knew it was to easy to not bother and actually once I started I'd enjoy it. The more we have sex the more I want it and if we went for months without sex, the less I'd want it so for me it was making time to do it because I love DH and want sex to be a regular part of our marriage. Lube is your friend for dryness and if it doesn't improve after stopping breastfeeding then I'd speak to your GP.

Honestly DDs are now 5 and 3 and after 10 years together DH and I's sex life is the best it's ever been.....so there's hope! Just be honest, keep communicating and be willing to try things.

Hi hun!

It's so hard when you become a mum, I felt like I lost myself a bit when it come to being in the bedroom with my husband. I wanted to have sex but when it actually come round to it I couldn't be asked. I think every relationships have their hurdles especially when it comes to having children. Have you spoken to a professional about this? As there are people out there that can help you get back into the flow of having sex wijt your partner! Or have your tried porn, toys etc? I would defo invest in lube. Good luck!

How was it before babies? Being knackered and pawed all day by little hands is an awful turnoff; if things were good before I'd say there is a good chance they will get better when life gets a bit easier physically. Can you get a break from the babies to catch up on some sleep (first) and get some couples time after?

It’s so hard when babies are small, mine are 6 and 4 now and only recently feeling like we are back in the swing of our sex life. There are likely some hormonal things going on from the breastfeeding so that might need a discussion with your GP. Otherwise, are you and DH affectionate in other ways? I found when we were in a rut with sex we didn’t hold hands or kiss or hug and that then made me want sex less. DH is always quite touchy feely with me and it made me feel like he was another kid pawing at me but when I made the effort to kiss him back or hug him etc it did make the sexual desire come back slowly. It’s really hard when you are so exhausted from tiny kids but worth the effort!

For me the wanting to do it didn't return till I stopped feeding
Yes to lots of lube, some feel much nicer and more natural than others
It does get better in the end!!

Don't fight the idea of lube. I ordered some called Yes from lovehoney and really liked it - I always find Durex lube too sticky. And use lots, a real handful all over you! It makes everything better.

I honestly struggle to feel really sexual whrn I'm in the same house as my child. If there is any option somehow to get a night or even a couple of hours away (we swapped houses with my mum, she looked after ds at our house) use most of it for sleep but make a bit of time at least to be naked and close.

Its so sad to me that so many women think there is something wrong with them if they’re not straight back to having sex after birth. OP, it’s natures contraception. It would be no good for the survival of our species if women were constantly pregnant with handfuls of small children in tow. It’s perfectly natural to not want sex when you’re raising young children, it’s literally EVERYWHERE in nature, so please don’t beat yourself up.

As for the dryness, that sounds hormonal, I’d suggest having a chat with your GP - I believe if you stop breast feeding it can help, but I’m sure there must be other options too.

The dryness is hormonal. GP check. If you breast feed drink like above 2 liters of water to get some down there. Lube is advised as long as you breastfeed. Good luck op.

It sounds entirely normal to me. I can't do sex while BF, it's uncomfortable and I'm not in that headspace at all. I breastfed DD2 until 2.5 and we didn't really get our sex life back until she was almost 3, but then it was better than ever. I would not put pressure on yourself.

OP, I don't think it's that unusual. 18mo is peak time for feeling "touched out" by the end of a long day with your child. When my youngest was that age sometimes I couldn't even muster the energy for a decent conversation with DH when he got home, let alone anything else! My youngest is 4 now and I would say its only recently things have properly gotten back on track for us.

I agree with a pp that sometimes it feels like a monumental effort, but once things get going I always really enjoy it. I find that the longer you go without sex the less you think about and prioritise it. I've definitely fallen into the trap of ignoring the problem, not doing anything about it and thinking the desire will just come back when my DC were babies. But actually I think its easy to get stuck in a rut and there's something to be said for making a conscious choice to prioritise sex, or even just kissing and touching initially and then the desire will hopefully follow. I've realised now that I have to make an effort even when I'm tired because I feel happier, more relaxed and more connected to DH when we're having sex regularly.