Play date pressure

[Wishenpoof40]

Wasn't sure where to post this but need some advice on a situation that is becoming slightly uncomfortable and untenable.
DD4 attends pre-school, she is a rather big personality and is rather boisterous and confident, she has a close circle of little girls that are her main friends with 2 of them being her "besties".
Bestie 1 is the original bestie and she has known her since joining Nursery then progressing into pre-school, I am also very good friends with her mum and we have similar personalities and tend to hang out at each others houses and have no-pressure play dates.
Bestie 2 is a bestie that was acquired since moving up to pre-school, I am not as close to her mother but we have had several play dates.
Bestie 1 and 2 do not get on and the first and last time we all met up, it was a disaster, the mums also do not really get on so I feel somewhat awkward being the one keeping the conversation flowing.
Bestie 2's mum has now got into the habit of "pressuring" me to agreeing to further dates for play dates immediately after the play date we have just been on has taken place. My problem is, the play date is always something elaborate and also always expensive.
I am a single parent who works full-time and has one income, she works v part-time, has a wealthy husband, huge home and doesn't really need to be concerned with spending money on elaborate play dates.
On a particular play date to a safari park, she booked an animal feed, face painting and soft play without asking/checking me and said I could bank transfer half of the money - I know I am stupid as I should have said no etc, but felt pressured and just agreed.
Bestie 2 is such a lovely, timid little girl and I know that her mum likes to have play-dates with my DD because my DD is so boisterous and brings out a different side of Bestie 2 when they hang out and have play dates, I don't want to ruin their friendship and make things awkward with her mum but I am kinda feeling like the play-dates are just adding up and I just feel pressured to agree.
She is aware of my circumstances and that I am single parent who works full-time, sometimes I just want to spend time at home with DD as we're out the house more than we are in it, when I say that - she says "she'll pop round with Bestie 2 and we can sit in the garden"
I think she is just a bit oblivious, rather than intentionally obtuse, but we have another elaborate play date coming up and I just feel fear and pressure to being asked to agree to another play date immediately after.
Any advice on how to handle the situation and mention that it's getting harder and harder for me to agree to play dates?
My usual strategy is "I'll check dates and let you know" but it usually buys me less than 48 hours until she messages again to ask..
Any advice would be welcome!

Assert yourself a bit more. Be honest. Say you have really enjoyed these activities but you would like to do something more low key. Don't agree to anything else.
Safari parks and the likes are birthday treats not casual play.

What's wrong with "thanks but it's out of my budget at the moment?"

With regards to the little ones-they're in nursery, don't give it another thought, honestly you don't need to get involved with how kids play unless someone is getting hurt obviously.

A day at the safari park is not a play date, it's a bloody expensive day out! What happened to just popping to someone's house for a few hours or meeting in the park?!

Be more assertive and tell her you can't afford it/don't have the time for a big day out but could do an hour in the playground or they could come to yours for the afternoon and play in the garden.

Definitely say it's too expensive for you. It's a perfectly sensible reason to not want to do a thing. There's no shame in you having less money and her having more. It's just how life is, there will always be differences (this is aside from political arguments which aren't the point here!)

If I'm going to a safari park I'm going with my family or with really good friends and their children. I'm not going with a woman I barely know and her child. I'd just say 'no thanks, I don't fancy a safari park. You could come round for an hour or two Friday week' or whatever.

Things have clearly moved on since my kids were at the "play date" age.
We'd just meet at the park and have a picnic.

start saying no thanks, or if you want to do the thing, agree a date in that's a few weeks away.

If you want to do daytrips out at the weekend, then some adult company who wants to go together could have some value, but you have just as much say in when, where and how often as she does. But if you would rather it's just you and DD, don't feel any pressure to socialise with someone you don't like. DD will be just fine without, she will be with her peers all day at school and probably after school club etc too.

The whole friendships thing will shake out once they start school - she may find herself in a whole different group, so don't overthink it now.

When it comes to the elaborate play dates, I would be extremely honest and clear and say 'Sorry, thanks for thinking of us but that's not going to be one for us I'm afraid - money's tight and our budget just isn't stretching to that kind of outing these days.'

If she then says she'll just pop round with her DD instead, I would say 'Great, we can do that some time soon! I won't suggest a date right now, because we've got loads on and DD's been seeming really frazzled and over-stimulated at the end of her day, and I think maybe I've just been arranging too much for her lately - because she's so sociable and boisterous I think I forget that she still needs some time just to chill and play quietly by herself with no plans in the diary! But I'll give you a call in a couple of weeks* and we'll sort a time to get together.'

*or whatever time interval suits you!

When she asks, tell her you will check your calendar/schedule and get back to her.
When she contacts again, say that you haven’t had a chance to check your dates but you will let her know when you have.
Then check what date and time Amis suitable for you and let her know that you are free on x date from x to x time to go to x park with a picnic.
In future, if she books something that you can’t afford, just tell her. “Sorry x, that is out of my budget instead, I can do a picnic/ice cream in the park”.

I have found, even with my closest friends who are aware of my financial situation, it never occurs to them that I’m not able to afford certain things. Even their idea of a picnic in the park can be them going into m and s in the way to pick up everything they need. It is frustrating sometimes, that is why I have to be clear about where we are going (no parks with ride you pay to go on) and what I’m bringing (I bring a full packed lunch with drinks etc, and clarify if I’m bringing money for ice cream etc)