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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should he spend money on?

27 replies

Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 11:47

Genuinely interested in opinions here.

DH has had some cash flow issues due to delays in getting paid as he changed jobs recently. All fine, but has meant that I've covered car expenses that normally he would cover.

(We both pay for different things in the house etc which is proportionate to what we earn and it works out fairly evenly. Usually we each pay for the usual expenses for our own cars)

He wants to go away for the weekend with friends. I have no problem with that, but I know it's usually expensive (for us) (not uncommon to be £150+ down after a weekend).

IABU to think that he should prioritise repaying me for the things I've covered while he was short of money, before spending that kind of money on fun stuff?

I really don't mind him going but the money thing has annoyed me if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 11:50

There are no 'shoulds'. He has one opinion, you have another.

Have you told him it's bothering you? What did he say? Or, if you haven't, what stops you?

HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 22/06/2022 11:54

So you are saying that if he had paid for the things he normally pays for, he wouldn’t have had the money to go away ? Or would he have gone away anyway and put it on a card?

we don’t really work on the ‘my money/your money system’. DH is going away with friends in a couple of weeks, I don’t begrudge him a bit of fun after a couple of tough years, we will just rein in the shopping & watch our spends for a few weeks but I get that if he owes you he should pay you back. Is there ever a time he covers you? Would you always give it back or start from scratch when you next have money?

Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 11:55

I've not yet brought it up - it's a fairly recent thing (in the last couple of days).

I will bring it up, probably tonight, but I'm interested in hearing others views on it.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 22/06/2022 11:56

Was it discussed he would repay you? If so what was the timeframe?

Groovybic · 22/06/2022 11:58

Personally I think yes he should pay you back the money he owes you before spending money on going away with friends (presumably it's not a once in a blue moon stag do or anything for a best mate?), or at least discuss it with you. To not do so feels disrespectful to me.

Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:00

HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 22/06/2022 11:54

So you are saying that if he had paid for the things he normally pays for, he wouldn’t have had the money to go away ? Or would he have gone away anyway and put it on a card?

we don’t really work on the ‘my money/your money system’. DH is going away with friends in a couple of weeks, I don’t begrudge him a bit of fun after a couple of tough years, we will just rein in the shopping & watch our spends for a few weeks but I get that if he owes you he should pay you back. Is there ever a time he covers you? Would you always give it back or start from scratch when you next have money?

I think he would have put it on his credit card if he was short of cash.

I really don't mind him going away, I think it's important to spend time with friends.

I can't remember a time when he's covered me tbh. I earn more and am better with money (so outgoings are split accordingly), but at the same time I'm not rolling in cash either.

I just feel a bit taken advantage of financially because repaying me hasn't seemed to enter his head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:01

purpleboy · 22/06/2022 11:56

Was it discussed he would repay you? If so what was the timeframe?

Yes - it was a case of me saying I'd cover it and we could sort it out once his money situation was sorted.

OP posts:
Branster · 22/06/2022 12:03

I can't see what the issue is.
Unless you gave him a deadline for your loan, or you have no money for essentials, why shouldn't he use some of his current funds for this trip?!
It's not like he won't pay you back.
And if this trip will be good for his well-being, there's no competition.
Surely you'd prefer the same if you were in his place. I would and definitely wouldn't expect my DH to ask me to prioritise paying him back if we were in the same situation.

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 12:06

If you said you'd pay the bills & he could sort it out once his money situation was sorted, then I don't think you're in the wrong to remind him of that!

Do you know how much he owes you?

Have you got/do you intend to have kids?

if he would have put it on a card, why can't he still do that and give you whatever cash he has towards his bills?

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 12:07

Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 11:47

Genuinely interested in opinions here.

DH has had some cash flow issues due to delays in getting paid as he changed jobs recently. All fine, but has meant that I've covered car expenses that normally he would cover.

(We both pay for different things in the house etc which is proportionate to what we earn and it works out fairly evenly. Usually we each pay for the usual expenses for our own cars)

He wants to go away for the weekend with friends. I have no problem with that, but I know it's usually expensive (for us) (not uncommon to be £150+ down after a weekend).

IABU to think that he should prioritise repaying me for the things I've covered while he was short of money, before spending that kind of money on fun stuff?

I really don't mind him going but the money thing has annoyed me if I'm honest.

Is the cash-flow going to restrict what you do?

If so then he’s being unreasonable, but if it’s not going to make any difference to you then I think it’s OK.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:11

Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 11:55

I've not yet brought it up - it's a fairly recent thing (in the last couple of days).

I will bring it up, probably tonight, but I'm interested in hearing others views on it.

It's quite nuanced... 'I'll help you out, but we really need to get it sorted as soon as you've got anything to spare' is very different from 'Oh, sure, darling, no problem. Don't you worry about paying me back until you're flush again.'

Either of those could be represented by what you've told us. I don't think you'll get a clear answer here because we don't really know what the conversations were like. If he agreed to pay you back the minute he had spare cash, then he's broken his word. But it wasn't as black and white as that, was it?

Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:13

I paid out around £300 on his behalf.

Ive just had an unexpected bill for £250. I'm not in debt but I'll have spent more than earned this month, which makes me nervous (along with the 200% increase in energy bills etc).

Which is probably why I'm a bit annoyed that repaying me has fallen off his radar.

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 22/06/2022 12:18

Are you (as a couple) going without in order to fund this? If he doesn’t go, what will the money be spent on? Do you get to go away with friends too?

I think you need an honest conversation about money, as you’re obviously feeling resentful of the current set up. Review the whole agreement.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:21

But that means you're annoyed at him when you wouldn't have been, had you not received the bill? And the bill was unexpected, even to you?

You're not expecting him to be a mind reader a bit, are you?

Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:25

It wasn't black and white, that's the problem. But I did tell him he'd need to pay me back and he's conveniently forgotten - or at least hasn't offered yet.

I don't mind paying for more things than him, because I earn more. But I'm also not a magic money tree & I think he needs to take responsibility for some things (eg car expenses).

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/06/2022 12:26

He should pay his debts before spending his money on having fun. The fact he owes it to you isn't relevant. If he wants to delay paying you, he needs to discuss that.

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:27

What do you suppose will happen when you have a chat about it? D'you think he'll be defensive, or do you think he'll offer you what he can, with an apology?

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:28

HollowTalk · 22/06/2022 12:26

He should pay his debts before spending his money on having fun. The fact he owes it to you isn't relevant. If he wants to delay paying you, he needs to discuss that.

Most people are in debt. Should they all be putting everything into paying their debt back and never having fun?

There is a grey area, even with money that's legally owed to credit card companies and utility firms. Legally you are allowed to have money for fun, before they can demand it back.

TibetanTerrah · 22/06/2022 12:33

if he would have put it on a card, why can't he still do that and give you whatever cash he has towards his bills?

This, but as you haven't actually spoken to him yet, are you sure this wasn't his intention anyway?

CurlsandCurves · 22/06/2022 12:39

Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:13

I paid out around £300 on his behalf.

Ive just had an unexpected bill for £250. I'm not in debt but I'll have spent more than earned this month, which makes me nervous (along with the 200% increase in energy bills etc).

Which is probably why I'm a bit annoyed that repaying me has fallen off his radar.

I would basically say to him what’s you’ve written here. That you know he’s going to pay you back and normally you’d be fine with him going away. However the unexpected bill plus you covering the car expense has left you in a shaky financial position.

is there a compromise that can be reached? E.g. if the weekend away is 2 nights can he just go for 1?

Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:48

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 12:21

But that means you're annoyed at him when you wouldn't have been, had you not received the bill? And the bill was unexpected, even to you?

You're not expecting him to be a mind reader a bit, are you?

I am annoyed that's he's forgotten about the money anyway.

The fact that I now have an unexpected bill to pay has highlighted that I can't afford to cover him without him paying me back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneywoes22 · 22/06/2022 12:51
  • I would basically say to him what’s you’ve written here. That you know he’s going to pay you back and normally you’d be fine with him going away. However the unexpected bill plus you covering the car expense has left you in a shaky financial position.

is there a compromise that can be reached? E.g. if the weekend away is 2 nights can he just go for 1?*

Thanks - I think this is the best plan.
Hopefully he'll acknowledge that he needs to repay me and it won't be an issue.

I think a big part of the expense of going away is the transport, so cutting it short probably won't make much difference tbh.

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 22/06/2022 12:58

You helped him out when he had a bill to pay and didn't have the money to pay it.

Now you have an unexpected bill to pay that you cannot afford so he needs to now help you out by paying you back or a least paying your bill.

He'll have to postpone his trip away or not go or put it on his credit card.

I wouldn't lend DP money without getting a fixed date of when I will get the money back or I would never see it again!

Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 13:14

You helped him out when he had a bill to pay and didn't have the money to pay it
Now you have an unexpected bill to pay that you cannot afford so he needs to now help you out by paying you back or a least paying your bill

Well, no, because OP helped him due to having money to spare. If he's already spent the money on the holiday before her bill came, it doesn't really correlate.

Hallyup89 · 22/06/2022 13:17

No, I think if you're married then what's his is yours and vice versa. I couldn't imagine being so petty.

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