AIBU or is my friend?

[CuntyMcBollocks]

I'd love to have some outside perspective on who is being unreasonable here.

I moved away from my home town 6 months ago, which is around 1.5 to 2hours drive away.

I have only been back 3 times for dh family birthdays - meals and days out planned by family members. We usually arrive Saturday afternoon, do whatever is planned for the day, sleep over at MIL's house, and drive back Sunday morning/early afternoon as we need to get home to sort out work and school uniforms, lunches etc, and give dc a bath. We always go in dh's car as its big enough to fit us all in.

Whilst we are back in our home town, I always try to visit my dad as he isn't in great health, plus he doesn't live too far from MIL. I have other relatives who also live near to my dad in my hometown, so I will try to pop in for 30 mins/1hour to see each of them as they are elderly and one has a terminal illness.

I have kept in regular contact with everybody, and have been arranging for people to come and stay with us. I work alternate weekends which makes it harder to arrange for people to come and stay as we have to plan way in advance.

My best friend of 30 plus years moved to a town an hour away from our hometown about 13 years ago, so we only got to see each other once every 4--6 months, but we have always spoke regularly on the phone (and still do). I had arranged for her, her dp, and their dog to come and stay with us in a week, which means I'll be hosting them for 3 days (my choice as I love having people to stay). It's taken this long to arrange as her dp didn't have a car until recently. Other friends and family members have stayed with us for a couple of weekends as we want people to see our new house and we love having visitors.

My friend has gotten into a huff and said that I make the effort to see everyone else and not her (which is untrue), because I was in our hometown for family birthdays and didn't go to see her. Her house is an hour and 20 mins one way from where MIL lives, besides the point that I have already arranged for her to come and stay with us, and I literally have to do the planned family activities whilst I'm visiting. If she lived nearer then I would of course have gone to see her, but if I did it would mean me missing the family birthday plans, which is the whole reason we visit in the first place.

She sent me a snotty text saying "Oh I'm so grateful. Thanks for 'fitting me in!"

AIBU for not cancelling family plans to see her when we already have plans to meet anyway?

I wouldn't want her to visit if she had an attitude like that!

She's being unreasonable. Probably motivated by envy that she would love to be able to see you too (I don't mean that unkindly, to clarify). But that's life. If her reason for not being able to visit you up till now is because they didn't have a car then she's not coming across as very well-motivated to put in any effort herself.

Your friend IBU.

Friends are usually understanding and accommodating. You have offered to host her and she should be looking forward to catching up with you,not making snotty comments.

From the time schedule you posted there’s not enough time to squeeze everybody in and yes, close relatives with whom you have good relationship take priority over friends in such situation (and that is even putting aside terminal ilness).

She can’t put the blame on you.Relationships work both ways and it’s not your fault her other car didn’t have a car until recently.

She sent me a snotty text saying "Oh I'm so grateful. Thanks for 'fitting me in!"

That doesn't sound snotty to me to me.

That sounds like the sort of text I'd send and mean it.

Are you 100% sure it's snotty? I wouldn't overthink this until I was sure what she meant.

She’s being unreasonable. Maybe she has other stuff going on that’s making her feel a bit insecure? Maybe she’s finding it hard to adjust to you not being available to her in the same way? Assuming you don’t want a big
confrontation with her or anything, I’d probably text back ‘of course I’m not fitting you in, it’ll be brilliant to see you’ and hope things are fine when she comes.

I’m cracking on a bit now and have grown a pair of orbs since my younger days.

If a friend got snarky when I was trying arrange a nice time and host them, they’d have a phone call asking them if they wanted to come at all.

Sod this texting shite. Tone is hard to interpret sometimes but there is no hiding the snide there.

If a friend couldn’t understand that sometimes time would be too tight to see them, then they aren’t that much of a mate.

I’m cracking on a bit now and have grown a pair of orbs since my younger days.
😂
Me too

What was your message to her which prompted this reply?

YANBU though. I ended a friendship over something similar, though in that case it was definitely the straw which broke the camel's back.

struggling

Fair doos. 😊

But I’m guessing that the OPs mate doesn’t tend to phrase things like that and is why it was interpreted as snotty? 🤷🏻‍♀️ More so after the huff? Who knows?

Are you still planning on hosting her, her DP and their dog?

It was definitely a snotty text. We had spoken on the phone to discuss her coming to stay and to arrange for me to stay at hers at a later date. It was whilst we were speaking on the phone that she said I make the effort for everyone else and not her.

I did text her to say that her comment upset me and pointed out basically what I've said on here, that I would love to see her more and that why I prioritised her staying that weekend over other friends and family who also wanted to stay, as I missed her.

I don't know whether I still want them to stay. She's fallen out over something stupid before, and it's making me think if it's really worth keeping the friendship when she acts like this, although we've been best friends for most of our lives.

That would fuck me off as well op. I would probably go ahead with the weekend and see how that goes. If her attitude still pisses you off then that would be the time to decide or have a discussion at least.

How did she reply to your text saying that she'd upset you?

If she wasn't apologetic and trying to clear the air then I'd get the hump

@Emptyandsad she wasn't apologetic at all. I know her so well and know exactly how she means it through a text. She said I could just stay at my dad's, but that's not even an option. He isn't very well and has been through a lot recently, so there's no way I'm foisting myself on him when he can't cope with company for more than a couple of hours, just because she expects me to.

It's not even about where to stay, it's trying to find the time to fit everything in.

So you've only been back three times & that was mainly for your husband's family & you saw who you could at the time?

Did she offer to pop across & see you at MIL's ir your Dad's or meet halfway for a catch up?

If she was due to stay she wouldn't be top of my visiting list tbh

Reply, 'sorry somethings come up, I need to cancel your visit'

I wouldn't be hosting someone who was rude to me when I presume she can see how many plates you're spinning.

How many times have you seen her since she moved...? Like actually gone to visit her?

@diddl no she didn't offer to meet halfway or at my MIL'S. She expects me to drive over to her. She doesn't drive though, but usually get the bus to our hometown when we met (when I still lived there) and I would drive to pick her up and to drop her back at the bus station or meet her in town.

@11Hawkins we used to take it in turns and would see each other as much as we could. I would drive to see her and then she would get the bus to see me. She doesn't have kids either, but I do, which makes it a bit more difficult to arrange time to see each other.

She's coming next week? How will she behave when she's there do you think and does she even still want to come if she feels like that?

I agree she being entirely unreasonable and also unsympathetic to your situation regarding your family.

She doesn't drive though, but usually get the bus to our hometown when we met (when I still lived there)

If it’s a 1hr 20 minute drive from friend’s to hometown, how long did it take her by bus?!

Was she just coming to see you or other friends/family?

I’m not saying you should drive so far to see her, but it sounds like she did make a big effort to come and see you, so go easy on her and just continue to have boundaries.

@Meraas it's 1 hour 20 mins from my MIL's which is where we stay when we visit. When I still lived there it was a 50 min drive from my house to hers and it took her around an hour on the bus to the town centre. When she did come to see me, she would see me for 3 or 4 hours and then go and see her mum or dad. I would usually take her to either of their houses.

@CuntyMcBollocks

She sent me a snotty text saying "Oh I'm so grateful. Thanks for 'fitting me in!"

I'd cancel her stay for this rude comment! Just shows you how tense hosting her in your home would be, based on this attitude. 🌹

Ah yes, I missed that bit for some reason.

I'm that case, I'm on your side Op and have changed my vote accordingly 😁