To wonder about this?

[IggleOnk2]

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore both my children equally, however my DH pointed out that my DS who is 18 months, gets away with a lot more than my DD does (she is 5), it has got me questioning my actions as I do find I do a lot more for ease with my DS, I do feel the need to protect him more and he is a lot more clingy, surely that is just down to personality types rather than gender?

I feel a bit guilty

I think it’s natural to be a bit more protective and flexible with the younger child until the get to the age where they are more capable.

I know I did. Now they are 7 and 9 and my flexibility is not so flexible at this age because he’s old enough to know better in most situations

Well those are hugely different ages developmentally so that's surely normal? An 18mo doesn't have the emotional intelligence or understanding of a 5yo.

Surely they "get away" with more because they are younger!

Could be age! Parenting a five year old is very different to an 18 month old.

All children are different and we respond to them according to their needs. Don't overthink it.

One thing though... If you go through their childhoods believing your youngest needs protecting from his sibling during their inevitable squabbles, you might end up intervening in unhelpful ways and making your daughter resentful that you're 'always on his side'.

Loads of parents do more for boys than girls.

My DD is very well behaved, very rarely have to discipline her (I’m aware that might change! Haha) I don’t tend to stick up for my youngest as such, I just say he is young and doesn’t quite understand yet, which is correct.

Posted too soon!

Loads of parents do more for boys than girls then claim it is 'personality'not parenting.

I do feel I need to treat them different in the sense of my daughter is very independent, always has been, my son is very clingy and loving. If my daughter would have been that way, I would have responses differently to her Needs I am guessing? I’m overthinking ha!

@carefullycourageous why do you think this is? In instinctual thing? I honestly love them both the same (in different ways of course)

I was exactly the same.

My dd was extremely independent from a young age whereas my ds spent months needing a lot of attention because he had an undiagnosed CMPA.

However, as he got older, I relaxed more too and now I treat them both the same. Sometimes my dd gets away with things ds wouldn’t, because she’s older and has more responsibilities but sometimes ds gets away with things dd wouldn’t because he’s younger

There’s no clear line

My 2 were the same, eldest v independent, youngest v clingy.
Both are boys.

There is NO DOUBT that I did more for the 18m than the almost 5yo when they were those ages. Because they were comparatively much less capable.

Children reap the pros and cons of their differing positions in the family.

Just be aware not to stereotype or put pressures on one that you wouldn't on the other due to their sex, birth position etc

As a dm of many dc I did notice the dd's were keen to be self sufficient whereas the ds's were happy to be 'attended to'!!. Dd's were out of the buggy much younger. Ds's happy to be chauffeured. No gender treatment differences I promise! All had dolls and prams and garages and cars.

My bff had therapy from seeing her dm seemingly pander to her db's when she was in her eyes abandoned young. Irl it wasn't that in my house at all. Hopefully it wasn't for her either..

I have 2 with a similar age gap & of course when they were younger they had different needs. Unfortunately once in that pattern/habit it's hard to break! My son (older) & I had some painful conversations when he was about 8/9 when he observed what he saw as unfair differences & he was right & I hope I've put that right now.

Not saying this will happen to you but I would encourage you to keep reflecting on your dynamics with both children. Good luck!

It was my DH that said it was because he was male. I was actually ok with the fact that their needs were different and felt no guilt, but if I am unknowingly doing it purely because he is a boy I feel guilty.

Not instinct - socialisation. Just we all grew up in a sexist society, we all absorbed it, we all have to work hard not to perpetuate it. We have all grown up in a society where girls are good and helpful and boys are strong and cheeky.

I have brought my boys up to do the same tasks I was brought up to do - they do the washing, they iron, they cook. They will make lovely housewives

Your DH has made an interesting point - only you can work out if he is correct or not. But sexist parenting is the norm, you see it all the time.

Please please keep wondering!

don’t tie yourself up in knots about it but always be open to the fact that instinct isn’t everything!

youve normalised gender bullshit and the only way to tackle it is to be open to these questions and really frank with yourself.

Be conscious to reward independence in your ds, often children are taking subconscious ques from their parents that they don’t even realise they are doing!

It would be weird if 18 mo were treated the same as 5 year olds.