To be worried I won't make any 'mum' friends?

[Summerdayzhaze]

I'm 8 months pregnant and have to be honest, feeling a bit lonely already. I am seeing my friends most weeks to be fair, but it's such an effort arranging meet ups nowadays (it seems)

I'm worried about being really lonely and isolated once the baby is here, half of my friends are childfree and work long hours during the week and are off partying (as I used to be) at the weekend so I don't see as much of them now. The other half DO have children but their children are a bit older so they're all back to work now and weekends tend to be 'family time' for them.

So I'm really hoping to make some 'mum' friends. I am doing antenatal classes and the women all seem nice but I live a bit further out than the rest of them (think 20 mins away rather than 5-10 mins) Also their DH's have all gelled and unfortunately mine can be a bit serious/ quiet until you get to know him so I think that's hindered me becoming closer with the mums too 🙁

I've heard a lot of people say that baby and toddler groups aren't good places to meet new mum friends as a lot of the time people go with their friends and already know each other so aren't looking to make new friends.

I guess, given all of the above I'm starting to feel anxious that I'm going to end up isolated and lonely and not seeing people particularly regularly 😕

Has anyone successfully managed to make new mum friends from baby/ toddler groups?

I've used a group called Peanut - honestly it's like tinder for mum's 🤣 but I've now got into a little chat group for local Mums, not in a position to meet them yet as I'm heavily pregnant now but hopefully will meet at some point if not it is really helpful as they talk about local baby things.
I feel the same as you though, I don't really have a lot of friends more acquaintances than ring and suggest a coffee friends (I would love one of those!) And I'm quite worried about making friends with my little girl. Hopefully though babies/mutually similar life stage etc will break the ice.
Another problem is I'm probably on the older side of being a new Mum, a lot of people I know with children are out of the young child stage and have pretty much mini adults now.

Ah I signed up to Peanut a couple of weeks ago. A few girls messaged me on there who were local and seemed nice, but it was endless messaging back and forth (which I can't really be arsed with tbh) and I suggested meeting a couple of times and then they just vanished. I get the impression they say they're interested in meeting new people etc, but not sure they actually are. I'm fairly outgoing (especially in 1-1 situations) and have no qualms meeting for a coffee or dog walk etc, I just can't be bothered with having a load of pen pals, just don't have time or energy for endless messaging.

Yes, I'm with you re being on the older side. I'm 35, so not geriatric but certainly not young and that's the problem I think, a lot of my friend's children have now started school so they're more interested in hanging out with women who have children the same age, which is completely understandable.

I met people I'm still in touch with 20 years later at toddler groups and I didn't go with friends initially. If anyone new came along we'd include them too...if they were nice 😉

Don't expect it to magically happen though, invite people for coffee, take their numbers so you can text them. It's easy to say let's meet for a coffee and then nothing happens, swap numbers and invite people or go for a walk in the park. In 20 years of doing this only ONE person gave me the brush off and she was a bit weird so not surprising looking back. Most people are desperate to get out of the house and meet people in the same boat.

Also, don't worry about your husband not gelling , you just concentrate on working on your own social life .

I have made a lovely group of mum friends through baby and toddler groups. It’s definitely a bit scary going to a new group on your own but do try as many different groups as you can and I’m sure you’ll find one that is a good fit for you. We go regularly to 2 different groups each week (I work part time so take DS on my days off) and his dad also takes him to bounce & rhyme at the local library which is fab and friendly. Usually if the group leaders know you are new they will introduce you round and generally people are chatty and are looking to make new friends too. Now that DS is a bit older (nearly 2) we are getting invited to lots of birthday parties as well which has been brilliant. DS has his party next week and there are 10 other mums and toddlers coming, none of whom we knew before I started going to groups. You could also have a look to see if there are any local Facebook groups to join for mums & babies.

Yes these days mums do tend to go to playgroups with friends / family / other mums. Shame really.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor gives good advice. There is a bump of discomfort to get over, and maybe a few will say no thanks. That's okay! And some early friendships will go nowhere. But some might add greatly to your life and you will only find them with a bit of looking.

I’m on the older side too, 39 now, had DS at 37 🙂

I’ve made a few friends at baby groups - it can be easier at the stay and play type group where there is no set activity you just let the babies play while you chat to the other mums. Things like baby sensory I didn’t manage to make any friends at as there wasn’t really time to chat for long enough to get to know anyone. I also go to a walking group for new mums where I have made my best friends - that’s another thing where it’s more geared towards the mums having a chance to chat!

Didnt make a mum friend until my child was in nursery- but tbh I didnt care, I could mix and chat with other mums at groups without having to meet up again and again.
I think friends come naturally. As for friends without children-love mine! They are my escape- they see and play with my children, I get adult dinners out easily. I'd look at it as a positive

I found maternity leave grim and isolating, not helped by two moves during it. It’s not the end of the world, having said that. I wouldn’t go to a lot of effort dashing about to groups unless you really enjoy them — you’re not automatically going to gel with people just because you have babies and free weekday daytimes. Looking back, it feels as if I wasted a lot of time drinking bad coffee in church halls with people I didn’t like. I started a new job when DS was about ten months, and made good friends there.

Just saying it’s not the end of the world.

I wonder if it depends on the area?

I live in the midlands and lots of people from down south (including me!) have moved up so I went to toddle groups alone. I've met some amazing women and my son met this best mate at a toddler group, they're now at school and best friends still - his mum has become one of best friends.

My DH is away a lot so doesn't know a lot of the dads but it hasn't hindered us.

Go with an open mind and see what happens.

Parent toddler groups are a good idea. You may find if it's a local one that some of them go on to go to the same school as your child, so then at least you'll know a few faces. I've made a few acquaintances at these groups. I wouldn't really call them friends but at least it's got me out there and talking to people. I've tried Peanut, didn't really get anywhere. The chat fizzles out eventually and goes nowhere but I don't think I could be bothered to put the effort in tbh. Maybe if you put more effort in than I did, then you may have more success.

I found some toddler groups so so clicky. Everyone went with friends and wouldn’t talk to anyone they didn’t know. Other groups were brilliant and I have made some of my best friends from them. So don’t give up hope if it doesn’t work out, just persevere and try different ones. And I know it’s a long way off, and really not a mumsnet recommended thing, but if all else fails, you will probably make friends when they start school. Against, I have made some brilliant friends on the school run, and those days of being lonely have faded. But I’m sure you will make friends much sooner than that!

I found the baby groups once kiddo was here were best to make friends, as by then the husbands/partners were back at work so it didn't matter if they gelled.

The ones where you're there to "do" something rather than just amble around seemed good. I think the non structured ones people tend to use to catch up with existing friends. I did baby yoga and a new mums fitness class in the early days, as well as bookbugs. Met some lovely friends there and we are still close 3 years on. In those classes the organiser was quite good at having the activity, and then coffee and a chat afterwards. Also look for a class in the afternoon- there are fewer of them as often they won't suit people with older kids at school. But then you're more likely to meet other first time mums who don't have pre-existing "mum" networks. And I wouldn't worry about age! My mum pals ranged from mid twenties to early forties

Are there any baby social type groups where you are? I find that the mums going to those often don't know anyone else/have just met and are very receptive to meeting new friends.

I run a breastfeeding social group and I always introduce new mums to the others and check they have support/family/friends etc. The ladies at my group are fantastic and always invite new ones for a coffee afterwards/add them to group chats etc. (I should say, there is also a separate baby social at the same venue and the woman who runs it does the same, so all mums get the opportunity to meet others).

I also run a toddler group at the same place and most people don't come with their friends but lots have made friends by coming along too.

I met my good ‘mum friend’ in the local coffee shop, I was sat there thinking our babies look the same age, so I asked her and it turns out they were. I asked if she knew if any good local baby classes, she took my number and messaged me a few days later inviting me to lunch with some of her NCT friends. We’d only just moved to the area so it worked out amazingly. We’ve had lots of meet-ups as a group or some of us meet individually and we’ve had a couple of nights out. So my advice is find a good baby friendly local coffee shop 🤣

i do keep in touch with my original NCT but i find them a bit frustrating, endless twoing and froing about meet ups that don’t happen, and the group chat never seems to get past baby stuff. It is useful in some ways but I did NCT to make friends, not to be informed that little Sophie has done a poo.