Child feels uncomfortable around grandparents.

[Crunchingleaf]

So I am not in UK Henares why DS graduated primary school this week.

Anyway son had graduation ceremony from Primary School yesterday and we got email to say parents welcome.
I arrive at school to see Ex has brought his parents. DS struggles with Ex’s family and shuts down around them. DS didn’t know they were going and his face fell when he saw his dad and grandparents. He had been so excited about the graduation and he just didn’t enjoy it one bit and he completely shut down afterwards when parents and kids were mixing. He ended up leaving the hall to go to his classroom away from it all for most of it. At the end his granny insisted on hugging him and DS hates hugs (he is on Autism spectrum and has sensory processing issues as a result). It took ages yesterday evening for him to relax and come back to himself. I was very disappointed for DS that something he was so excited about he didn’t enjoy.
I spoke to Ex about it to see why he invited them when DS struggles around them and just shuts down. He said he didn’t invite them, they wanted to some and how was he supposed to know DS would react like that. I asked him why his mother still hugs DS when he doesn’t like it he just dismissed me and said DS is reluctant to hug him too it’s no big deal.
So I just want to know AIBU here to feel ex shouldn’t have brought his parents to DS graduation when they cannot respect DS boundaries and not hug him when he hates it. It is a likely reason why he shuts down around them.
I do understand they love him and what to be there for him, but Ex should be an advocate for his sons needs with them. My family never try to force hugs or interaction and he is very relaxed around them if they weren’t I would definitely be telling them to stop.

It sounds as though your ex is taking the path of least resistance. His parents will give him more grief than his poor son.

If you have the right relationship, you need to give him a metaphorical kick up the arse and tell him to prioritise his son over his selfish parents.

I feel for you, you want to protect your son and your ex is cutting your legs off.

Is there some back story regarding the grandparents?

Why didn't you step in when a hug was given? Why don't you address things directly with them? My youngest has autism and until she could block a hug, or anything else, I stepped in to protect her.

She's pushing his boundaries and he isn't comfortable.

Like You, I'd have been really upset about the situation and gutted for DS.

Is the relationship between ExMIL and yourself good? Could you speak to her about it? I know it should be ExDH who does but from what you've written he seems to have his head in the sand and more worried about making his parents happy than his son.

In terms of a backstory I would say I don’t know them particularly well as EX tended to avoid seeing them as much as possible. One of their daughter in laws would never visit them and rest of family slated her because you have a duty to family. On the surface level them seem fine, but there is something about them I can’t put my finger on. Ex and myself happen to be from same area even though we met in a different city. After we split we eventually both moved back to area we were originally from. Since then he appears to see his parents more often and will always try drag DS along to any family events even if DS is only grandchild at it. I hadn’t seen DS and his grandparents together for years so I hadn’t realised the extent of how DS was around them. As before when I was there I would say something like DS doesn’t like hugs.

@Ponoka7 I was too far away to step in. It was awful seeing it and it was noted by others who said it to me. There were too many around to speak to her about it and I was more interested in checking in on him and getting him out of there.

I think it’s wrong to ignore a child’s boundaries for your own needs. Ex thinks DS just needs to suck it up and it’s not a big deal.

I think it’s wrong to ignore a child’s boundaries for your own needs. Ex thinks DS just needs to suck it up and it’s not a big deal.

I'm autistic and I hate people touching me; hugs make me really uncomfortable and I become anxious/non-verbal when I feel like someone is going to hug me. My mother sounds a lot like your ex/his parents in that she finds it upsetting that I don't want to hug her, she takes it personally, she thinks it's no big deal so I should just do it for her happiness... she, she, she. It's so selfish! After I was diagnosed, my mum asked what my boundaries were because she wanted to make sure I felt comfortable, then she sulked because they were incompatible with her wants

I'm ranting but I basically just wanted to say thank you for holding your DS's needs in such high esteem and protecting his boundaries. I'm sorry that he didn't enjoy the event