I am the main earner but feel like do do more at home compared to hubby

[bluebird2022]

Hello ladies,

This is my first post so excuse me not knowing all the abbreviations!

In a nutshell, I am 8 years older than hubby, we have been married for 5 years and have a child.

I have always earned more than him, partly as I’m older but mostly as I’m in a professional job and he is in management.

I’ve always been the one who does 99% of the cooking and house work. In fairness to him he has been doing 90% of the tidying up and cleaning recently.

I’m particularly annoyed today as he said he would cook and I stayed late at work to catch up. Instead he then messaged me to say he was not feeling well and can we get a pizza from near my work? I reluctantly agreed but have just messaged him to say I’m annoyed as he bought vegetable for the meal 3 days ago and they are aging in the fridge, on top of that I usually cook enough dinner so I can give our child lunch for her morning with the childminder (I don’t like the food at the childminders and neither does the little one). Now I’ve got nothing to give her and all I’ve had from hubby is that he is struggling!

He seems to do this a lot and is on medication so it’s not made up but I still get annoyed as I work 10 hours days having to stay late at the office. I also then come home and cook and he has the nerve to say that I get the baby to bed late, I told him he is welcome to cook and get her to bed at 7pm as I only get back from work at 7pm so by the time I’ve cooked and she has eaten it’s 8:30!

So am I being unreasonable to expect hubby to pull his weight and cook once a week and cook it when he says he will?

I really wish he earned more as I would love to be the one to stay at home and take the baby to classes/groups but instead I had to go back to work when she was 6 weeks old and he gets the fun and only works part-time but is the one who is always stressed.

I’m the one who pays all the bills, mortgage and food and I get we are married so it’s not my money but it is annoying that I’m the one with all the pressure yet he is the one struggling all the time!

ps he works and is also doing some training to change jobs and he uses the money he earns to pay back the debt (mostly his).

Thanks for reading my super long message. X

YANBU. I'm a few years before you...I have a DP with a hobby job that pays nothing. I have the stressful job with long hours which pays for everything. I also do 90% of everything at home. And I resent him talking about how much he loves his job and talks shit about corporate jobs. Very easy to take the moral high ground when someone else can fund your lifestyle.

We are mid 30s so need to decide on having children and I REALLY want children but you are describing my future and I don't want it. I'd rather stay childless. I'm considering leaving and having a child with an anonymous donor. I know I'm not helping you but you are helping me. It's shit. There's no solution but to put up with it or leave.

Whether you earn more is irrelevant. The HOURS you work are relevant. The hours your DH spends looking after the baby are also work.

If he was feeling too ill then he shouldn’t have to cook. Plenty of SAHM’s do still make the dinner when they’re unwell, but they shouldn’t have to. And he shouldn’t moan at you about the baby going to bed late.

It all sounds very unhappy and resentful.

@ThatPosterIsSoRight but he's doing fuck all. That's the whole point of her post. She's working long hours to make money while also doing 90%of everything at home.

She said until recently he was doing 90% of the tidying and cleaning.

I’m not sure what you mean by you do 99% of the house work and he does 90% of the cleaning and tidying. What is housework if not cleaning and tidying? If he is doing the vast majority of housework that would appear a fairish spilt for your fulltime and his part time + childcare roles. Particularly if he he struggling with illness.

But leading on cooking when you dont get home until 7pm ( and presumably cooking from scratch if you are not finished eating until 8.30) doesnt seem very practical. Can you change the split, batch cook for reheating or have freezer meals such as pizza in? And are your standards realistic? I only ask as lots of vegetables ‘age’ at least a week in the fridge between weekly shop without coming to any harm..

For context I’m the main wage earner with my DH having gaps between jobs for various reasons. I have a tendancy to do way over my fair share and simmer over it. It is mainly as I am more organised and more likely to do jobs as I see them. The only solution over the 15+ years of my relationship has been to be clearer about divisions and not jump on jobs as I see them. And realise that while I love cooking I cannot work full time and do all the cooking as the price for eating food I prefer is resentment and lack of time for myself/family.

If he's doing 90% of the cleaning, he's not doing fuck all. It also sounds like he has mental health issues.

OP - you're wrong to tie it to who earns more. Is he looking after the child when he's not at work? If so, surely you're about balanced - his hours looking after the child are work (assuming a young child). Wrong of him to complain about late bedtimes though. How much downtime does each of you have? That's what you should be trying to be equal.

Personally, I'd either rely on the childminder's food or choose a new childminder. Doesn't seem worth the extra stress to be making meals if food is provided. I also don't understand - what did the child eat for dinner and why couldn't they have that for lunch? Cold pizza plus some salad is fine in my book!

Maybe read the OP. It clearly states he does 90% of the cleaning and tidying currently.

Ask the child minder to cook something different for child and ask child to accept? Guess this might be good for the child in the long run , my older one says he doesn't like his dinner every other night though I ask him nicely to eat it and he won't get anything else like milk or a snack if he doesn't attempt to eat it. Most of the time he'll then eat it though I don't force him to eat all of it.

You don't say how old the child is but them not eating until after you get home is ridiculous. Why can't DH feed her earlier and you eat together later?

What does a typical day look like in terms of who does what other than you getting home at 7pm and then cooking with DC getting to bed late? It is too late and a school age 4 year old couldn't wait until after 7pm to eat and go to bed at 8.30pm so something will need to change on that front.

I’m in a similar situation re: earning and it is easy to be resentful. Is he actively doing something to boost his earning potential in the future?

DH and I have a good split when it comes to everything else though. You need to sit down and talk about the division of labour.

That said, he shouldn’t have to cook if he feels ill. You clearly have limited sympathy, I presume there is a reason for that?

Batch cooking would solve a lot of your issues tbh.

How much more would you like him to do? It says in the OP he does 90%

It also says he is training to change jobs.

There’s a lot not explained here - which is understandable, given that you can’t say everything!

Why are you both in debt when you were two working childless adults in professional and management roles for a good number of years? You say mostly his debt…? I would be very resentful if I couldn’t take more than 6 weeks mat leave because of someone else’s debt… but then, you knew that when you decided to have a baby.

I think when you share a snapshot, it’s easy to pick an individual incident apart. Like - so what if he was too tired that night to cook and some veggies might be better in a soup than a salad tomorrow? But you wouldn’t be frustrated and posting if that one incident wasn’t indicative of much more. I get the impression that it’s all, “oh surprise surprise the ONE time he’s asked to cook, he’s “ill” 🙄”

If he told me I was putting the baby to bed too late after that though… Words would be had!

Only you know, really, if he has MH issues that might excuse his behaviour - or whether he’s just taking the piss.

If you dislike the food the childminder gives then change childminder or use a nursery. Your child needs to learn to eat what they are given by their carer whether it's you or someone else otherwise you are creating a fussy eater.

Also your pre-school child needs to be fed at a reasonable time in the evening and that doesn't need to be gourmet meals. Sit down with your husband and discuss simple meals that he can prepare and feed your child so they go to bed at a reasonable time. Your child isn't going to suffer eating different food from you but they will suffer from insufficient sleep.

Btw my child eats lots of raw veg e.g. carrots, cucumber, tomatoes and fresh fruit.

You've said he works part time, does a lot of the childcare (groups etc), 90% of the cleaning/tidying and is also retraining. You've also mentioned he's struggling with his mental health. I can't help but feel if the genders were reversed on this post the OP would've been torn to shreds by now.

My husband and I both work full time. He earns more than double my wage though I'm a higher rate tax payer and earn well. We still split house stuff equally. I don't think salary is pertinent here really.

It sounds like he does a lot. I wouldn't be happy about the cooking thing either, he sounds a bit disorganised in that regard. I wouldn't be happy either about having to get home at 7pm and start cooking.
But otherwise to me it sounds like things are split fairly equally. How you split things isn't about the salary you bring home, it's about the hours you put in. Or do you resent the fact he isn't a higher earner?

Is this a reverse?

I’m particularly annoyed today as he said he would cook and I stayed late at work to catch up. Instead he then messaged me to say he was not feeling well and can we get a pizza from near my work? I reluctantly agreed but have just messaged him to say I’m annoyed as he bought vegetable for the meal 3 days ago and they are aging in the fridge, on top of that I usually cook enough dinner so I can give our child lunch for her morning with the childminder (I don’t like the food at the childminders and neither does the little one). Now I’ve got nothing to give her and all I’ve had from hubby is that he is struggling

This just sounds so mean given you’ve acknowledged he isn’t making it up.

One way around it would be to have some emergency food in the freezer so he can do something easy on that sort of day but from the tone of your posts, I wonder whether that wouldn’t be acceptable.

It must be tough when your spouse is struggling, but he is struggling. He isn’t doing it to spite you.

I would have been so upset getting that message.

I'm a bit confused too- you say he does 90% of the tidying and cleaning, and you do 99% at home. Do you mean you usually cook and he does the housework?
If so, I'd not make this a massive issue. We all have off days where a takeaway gets called instead of cooking. If it's a more common occurrence and he's not pulling his weight, that's another conversation altogether.

In regards to the pizza, YABVU as he could not cook as he wasn’t feeling well. Even though he is a SAHD working PT and you are working FT that doesn’t mean either of you should have to cook when you don’t feel well.

In regards to how you have chores divided up, YANBU to suggest changing things up a bit so he does more cooking and you do more cleaning/tidying or childcare in return.

I think the work sounds evenly split to be honest. He’s SAHD, works PT, is retraining plus does 90% of the cleaning/tidying AND is struggling with a chronic health condition for which he is on medication. You work FT in a stressful job and do 99% of cooking.

I think you are glamourising being the SAHP by saying he “gets all the fun” in terms of doing childcare while you are working. It’s hard work to be home with a child, especially if you are also fitting in PT work and study around it.

I understand that there is also pressure on you being the breadwinner, but men have had this pressure for most of history so I’m sure we little women can handle it.

The only solution over the 15+ years of my relationship has been to be clearer about divisions and not jump on jobs as I see them.

Same.
About 15 years into our 17 year relationship it finally dawned on me that DH will NEVER use his initiative, but he will do something if I tell him to.
Not ideal, but what other solution is there.
As for regular chores, we've allocated a number of them to DH and he has recurring alarms set on his phone telling him when to do them. This has worked really well for him and I'm resenting him less.

OP, you said that he has been doing 90% of the cleaning and tidying "recently". When did this start and why? What it in response to you saying that you were unhappy with the split? How many hours a week does he work? And is he doing childcare when he isn't at work?

You sound utterly lacking in compassion or empathy op, and actually actively unpleasant. I feel sorry for your husband actually.

In fact on re-reading it, I call reverse.

Child needs to stop being fussy or you need to discuss with childminder food given.

he sounds like he cleans and tidies so doesn’t do nothing.

sit down and write out a clearer division of jobs.