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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider complaining now even though I didn't at the time?

53 replies

Livingtothefull · 20/06/2022 22:20

I took my DS (21) out at the weekend, DS is in a wheelchair and has severe learning difficulties. We went to the town centre where there were lots of restaurants with tables outside as it was a nice day. I took DS to the restaurant he wanted to go to and asked if they had any tables free, they were a bit offhand but eventually said there were tables and led us to one....though didn't seem that they were that pleased at us turning up.

DS & I were seated and looking at the menu. After a couple of minutes a waiter came out and said he was sorry but there were no accessible toilets, I said that was OK, not a problem and we would manage without.

A couple of minutes later they came back and said 'I think it would be better if you got a takeaway rather than a sit down meal, how about if you order that instead of sitting here?'

I then felt that we were really unwelcome & I wanted to go and find someone else. I felt that we weren't the restaurant's preferred demographic for customers and that they didn't want to deal with us; and I wanted to eat at a place they were actually happy to have us as customers. I tried to explain to DS that we needed to go elsewhere, he got upset and didn't want to leave: 'I want to eat here, I don't want to go anywhere else, I want this table not a takeaway'. But eventually I persuaded him to leave & we went elsewhere.

This made me feel just dreadful on my DS behalf and that he had been discriminated against (luckily he didn't understand any of this though he was upset with me at making him leave). I maybe should have made a fuss and complained about the way we were treated but I didn't for the following reasons:

  • I was out for a meal and a nice time with my DS, like everyone was out just wanting to have a nice time. I wasn't looking to have a row or fight with anyone, I was feeling relaxed and enjoying time with my DS, just wanted to do what I had set out to do, have a mellow, relaxed and happy evening out with my DS like everyone around us was having;
  • I didn't want to make a fuss in front of DS as I was worried he was going to get upset. He can have serious meltdowns if things happen around him that he doesn't understand; he could easily have really kicked off & I would have had to deal with that.
I now feel so guilty though, as though I have let my DS down by not taking a stand at the time. My question is: do you think I am justified in complaining about them in an online review? Or do you think IWBU given I didn't make a fuss at the time for the above reasons?
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/06/2022 23:01

I would name and shame them. That's an absolutely disgraceful way to treat people.

Madeintowerhamlets · 20/06/2022 23:04

I felt so sad reading that they made you feel so uncomfortable that you had to leave & your poor DS didn’t want to. Just breaks my heart. Absolute bastards. Definitely complain- they can’t get away with this.

Thatboymum · 20/06/2022 23:04

This is fucking vile you absolutely should complain directly and leave a terrible review im so sorry this happened to you both x

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 20/06/2022 23:04

Thank you all so much for your support, it means a lot. It really helps to be understood why I didn't make a fuss at the time; it gives me no joy at all to set out in the evening to have fun with my DS and end it feeling that I have let him down. Yes I will complain about this.

I am very sorry @Minimalme that you have experienced something similar. These experiences are sadly common. I find that part of me is in disbelief, can't quite believe these things when they are happening to us when they happen; yet sadly they do and frequently.

My DH was very angry and thought it would not have happened if he had been there; that there was sexism as well as disablism at play. He is probably right, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Phlewf · 20/06/2022 23:04

Completely reasonable not to complain at the time but to complain in writing later. Just a really shitty thing to happen. My friend has very disabled daughter and she’s taken her to some of the nicest restaurants in the land and received excellent service (places where you’d think they’d want the right faces I mean).
if you don’t get a grovelling apology name and shame, I don’t want to give them business if they think your son wasn’t worthy of a seat at the table.

nomistake · 20/06/2022 23:07

Wow absolutely kick off. Name and shame and write to the head office.

DarkDarkNight · 20/06/2022 23:10

That’s terrible. I’m angry on behalf of you and your son. Is it a chain? Write to head office if so, as well as the local manager. Put it on the restaurant Facebook page and local Facebook groups, let them explain why they didn’t want your son as a customer Angry

WeasilyPleased · 20/06/2022 23:14

Disgusting behaviour from the restaurant. I would complain now.. and name and shame on Twitter but I'm like that!

Juniper74 · 20/06/2022 23:16

That’s absolutely disgusting…

Im so sorry you and your son had to experience that. I totally understand why you felt uncomfortable complaining at the time but if you have the strength please do so now.

What a depressing world we live in.

poetryandwine · 20/06/2022 23:16

Please please complain. If you do not get full and prompt satisfaction, please leave naming and shaming reviews everywhere you can think of. Then come back here and name the place for us so we can avoid it.

I am so sorry this happened to you and your DS

Princessoftheuniverse · 20/06/2022 23:17

Thats atrocious and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Complain loudly anywhere you can including the press.

CockSpadget · 20/06/2022 23:19

Absolutely complain! With bells and whistles on! I'm so glad your DS wasn't aware of their disgusting attitude towards him. You think the world is moving on, and then you hear things such as this are still happening. So sad.
I'm sorry your lovely day out was tainted by these horrible people.

carefullycourageous · 20/06/2022 23:27

I completely understand why you reacted as you did, and you have not let your son down at all Flowers

Complain now, absolutely, if you wish.

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 20/06/2022 23:28

It’s appalling and unlawful discrimination. I would seek support in making a complaint eg local councillor, local disability action group, your MP. I can understand entirely why you didn’t do something at the time but I hope you do have the energy to complain now. I have wouldn’t want to patronise anywhere that would do something like this. I’m sorry that this isn’t a one off incident too from what you’ve said. Gah! I’m angry on your behalf.

bumblefeline · 20/06/2022 23:28

Awful treatment OP. Name and shame.

So sorry for you and DS.

goldfinchfan · 20/06/2022 23:30

Name and shame. How dare rhey get away with such blatent discrimination.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/06/2022 23:37

Tripadvisr, twitter, google reviews, letter of complaint to the local newspaper, head office if it was a chain restaurant rather than an independent.

Onthelowdown · 20/06/2022 23:47

Notateacheranymore · 20/06/2022 22:30

Was the restaurant part of a group or an independent?

If the former, make sure that you send a complaint in writing to the location, with an identical hard copy sent to Head Office marked Private and Confidential to the CEO, director, whatever. Have a look for them on Companies House for a named person in charge of the company.

If an independent, I would send a copy of my letter to my local MP, councillor, newspaper and any charities that support disabled people in your area.

Simply sending a complaint won't make much difference without a bit of public traction. The way that you and your son were treated was appalling and illegal, as stated by a PP.

Good luck.

This

sorry that you had such a horrible experience

m8d8 · 20/06/2022 23:47

Please complain. What an unpleasant experience for both you and your son. I hope you and your son had a nice night regardless of this but yes please complain, they should be held accountable. You sound like a lovely, caring mum Flowers

Happymum12345 · 20/06/2022 23:48

That is appalling. Nobody on this earth has a right to make anyone feel like they’re not wanted or welcome. Yes, complain.

Iced · 20/06/2022 23:49

How awful.
Please name and shame so I can avoid!
Hugs to you and your son Flowers

Arenanewbie · 20/06/2022 23:53

It’s shocking.
Please complain, do it for other families with disabled children.
I actually think that you were right not to argue on the spot - your DS would be upset, you would need to focus on him and all these would ruin your day. You will do it much better now when you can properly focus and even get support from your DH or anyone else.
Name and shame them: in your local parents group, on TripAdvisor, on MN, whenever possible.

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 20/06/2022 23:55

That is absolutely vile. I would absolutely complain, you have every right to.

so sorry you had to put up with that. People can be so horrible. I think a lot of these people need to take a step back and think, if it was me or my family member, would I happy for them to be treated like that?

KurriKawari · 20/06/2022 23:56

Adding to everyone's comment. Yes, complain formally. And call them out on social media!

stayathomer · 20/06/2022 23:59

Agree with people saying complain but I’d also talk to your ds and tell them you didn’t want to make a scene but they were awful and need to know it’s not okay. Sorry anyone did this to you both x