Standard school or shit school?

[DawnTinsley]

Sorry if this is long. NC for this.

My DS6 goes to a school that has a policy that they are not allowed to bring in a lunch. They have to have a school one. Despite watching him struggle with food for over a year, and
Despite me telling them he has ARFID (diagnosed, lots of food aversions and numerous sensory issues), they wouldn't allow me to send him with food he would eat, which means he eats maybe one lunch a week at school. He came out so many times with slips saying he hadn't eaten any lunch that they just stopped giving them. He came out recently in tears saying his tummy hurt because he was so hungry, all he'd had to eat was a little bowl of custard. They deemed that enough food for him as he had "every opportunity to visit the salad bar." He has ARFID! I told them that if I sent him in with a lunch and gave him as little as he eats of theirs, they'd call social services on me. I've been taking him food when I pick him up as he's often starving and tearful. I have tried so many ways to get them to understand! The head teacher was totally unsympathetic, bleating on about healthy schools awards and how proud they are of their salad bar, her utter disbelief that I would be able to offer him food that was more acceptable to him than what they had available and said I needed to get a GP to write her a letter to say he needed to bring food in. Literally needed a doctor to tell her that a child needs to eat. 🙄. Telling me they can give him a marmite sandwich or some plain pasta, totally disregarding me saying he will not eat that. And how is that better than something from home?? My doctor was disgusted and did write and did say that he can't see any value in her pursuing a policy that means a child is going hungry and confirmed that DS has ARFID owing to sensory issues which means he should be allowed to bring in food that he will eat

Today was the first day. I did my best to adhere to a healthy lunch but with a restricted diet there's only a small group of foods to pick from. At the school they provide a dessert, which is normally a bit of cake. So he had jam sandwiches, a rice cake, a brownie I made with sweet potato (he has no idea it's in there) a peach smoothie and some cheese, and I put a packet of wotsits in because he eats them and I wanted him to have a decent amount of food in his belly for once. I just knew his head teacher would find fault somewhere and yep, she had an issue with the wotsits, emailing to tell me they would be taking them off him, there was nothing good in them and children having packed lunches aren't allowed crisps. Wotsits are baked corn puffs but also, how can she reference a guideline of what's allowed in a packed lunch when they don't allow packed lunches? DS has now come home saying wotsits are bad food and won't eat them, so that's now something she's effectively removed from his very small list of foods he will eat! It wasn't about giving him "healthier" food than school were providing, it was about giving him food he would actually eat!

Also, this head raised a concern that DS shows signs of ADHD and dyspraxia after I queried why he was getting hurt so often in school but no member of staff could explain the circumstance or how he came by his teeth almost being knocked out or his cheek being cut or eye bruised, lip split etc. Definitely they were not watching the children properly (open plan school) because injuries to my DS and a few other kids have tailed off since I expressed my belief that adults weren't supervising playtime. There are a couple of kids who have 1-1 supervision who obviously weren't getting it and who were hurting other children when they weren't being guided to appropriate play or supported properly in their work. Once is understandable if you just turned your back for a second. Twice is questionable and requires a sharpening up of procedure. Three times or more is an unacceptable pattern of failure to safeguard the children, in mind opinion.

So, basically she said she has these concerns about ADHD and co-ordination and asked me to raise it with the doctor. The doctor asked that the school sent their evidence in- she sent nothing but a "I've noticed this" sort of letter. They needed an early help record, possible Ed psych observations etc. I asked her ages ago for her attention on this and she said she would chase it all up and get back to me. I reminded her today and have finally had contact from the Sendco who can only say they've been so busy since identifying that my DS needs support that they've not got round to doing anything at all about it.

Is this fair enough on their part as a smallish village school or is this absolutely shit? Genuinely asking because I think it's ridiculous and that the headteacher has no care whatsoever for the individual needs of the children, but someone I spoke to about it said all primary schools are the same!

It’s shockingly shit and surely goes against every inclusion policy imaginable?!
Given the fact that you have a doctors note outlining your son’s issues surrounding food, the school making him go hungry is disgusting.
I’d be seething. Reporting to ofsted, the local authority and seriously think about moving my kid to a different school.

Thank you! I think it's dreadful. And I know this sounds like just a snide side note, but none of the kids made a Father's Day card either and when teachers were asked this morning why their DC didn't make a card to give to their dads, they were told that the school celebrate Mother's Day and make cards for that, and although they have an assembly to talk about fathers and important male role models, as a school they do not make Father's Day cards.

Not all village schools are awful. I am vice chair of governors at one, and it is a gem of a school and vastly oversubscribed from all round the area.

We get away with nothing at all when the OfSted inspector calls, even though it is hard to produce meaningful stats in a small school. We do not "piss about doing lots of soft stuff" - we do have the children learn outside whenever possible, making use of the asset of the grounds, but there is very definitely no pissing about - we are held to account for every single thing we do, every decision, every result.

The fact that this is a village school your son attends has absolutely nothing whatever to do with the fact that this issue is not being dealt with properly. It is because it is not being dealt with properly.

Ask to speak to safeguarding governor.

@Mischance, thank you for your reply. I will ask if I can speak to a safeguarding governor.

This sounds extreme and inflexible. But there was another thread about the same issue recently, so yours isn't the only school refusing packed lunches.

Absolutely nothing to do with it being a village school - there are plenty of excellent ones.

Find a different school.

You've been very patient and reasonable.

This place cannot meet his needs.

I am a teacher and a SEN parent. I could list all the guidance they're in fault of but basically, this is your precious son...you need him in a place with a human being for a Head.

I work in a small village school and that is certainly not what happens in ours. They sound shockingly shit and verging on neglectful frankly.

Father's Day cards are not part of the National Curriculum. They probably don't make them because it would raise difficult issues with some children because they don't have contact with a father. In a small village school, they're not going to say that because that may effectively identify the kids concerned.

Hunt around on here and there was someone whose child's school said "oh, we just make cards, not necessarily for fathers", but (presumably because all the other kids were talking about their fathers) it meant he was distressed because he couldn't give his to his dad.

I would report to as many relevant organisations/people as you can.
Ofsted
School Governors
Your local MP
Local media
Social Services to point out they are denying a child food.
It's absolutely disgusting what schools think they can get away with.

I would report to everyone you can possibly think of and change school. Any disability lawyers on here?

I’m on this ARFID Facebook group. There maybe some advice there.
www.facebook.com/groups/431391660626919/?ref=share

Making a fuss to a long list of people isn't going to solve the problem(s) though is it? At worst, the problems continue and OP and her son end up ostracised!

The Head obviously doesn't believe in ARFID and isn't bothered that a child in her care is hungry most days. The lack of action over the possible SEN suggests that will all be painful to get any action on as well.

This is not a good school.

Your Father’s Day gripe is absolutely absurd. You have no idea why they don’t do cards - my child’s class never does Father’s Day cards, at least two children have been bereaved and one has two mothers. It’s also resources and time they don’t have.

Your lunch complaint is entirely valid - he has a disability, allowing him a packed lunch of whatever he wants is a reasonable adjustment. I have an autistic child with a very restricted diet (and no, the HT prediction that they’d eat a school dinner because their peers were did not come true), school accepts their packed lunch in no way meets “healthy eating” standards and has never breathed a word of complaint. It’s not in their interests to have a starving angry child on their hands. Senco is proactive, caring and supportive (and hopelessly overworked) and as a whole school is nurturing and teachers put the individual child first. It’s a fairly small village school- it’s much more about HT attitude than it is about size or location of school. Yes, some stuff costs money they don’t have but flexibility about packed lunches, uniforms etc costs absolutely nothing.

The Father's Day thing was just a passing mention but I felt it was a bit shit and a bit discriminatory against Dads. It was picked up by other parents, not me: it was being discussed in the playground today because they make a big thing over Mother's Day and do a whole art thing over it with making pop up cards and all sorts but as of this morning claim to have a policy against doing cards for Father's Day. And there are just as many dads as mums in the playground, there are kids in that school who live solely with their dads, there are bereaved children, adopted children, looked after children, but none of that matters when it comes to Mother's Day. Just Father's Day, for some reason. And I've heard from one of the other parents this evening that the head claims in an email to have had no knowledge of the classes not making Father's Day cards and doesn't understand why they didn't. How could she not know? Surely she's the one who said not to make them if the teachers have said there was a decision as a school not to make them.

I agree the lunch issue sounds mad !! I have never heard of a school doing this but google says it does happen for a variety of reasons, weird though. You should ask to see the actual lunch policy so you know what you can give him.

To be honest, the rest of your issues make it sound like you are just at war with them now though which makes me wonder whether theres more to the story or whether the relationship between you and the school is too far gone to be repaired. I mean ... they didn't make fathers day cards ? Really? As someone else said that has nothing to do with the national curriculum. I also can't understand why the coordination feedback is an issue, either you and your Dr agree or you don't? I also think surely if your child's teeth were nearly knocked out he would be able to tell you what happened and if he can't then maybe he really does have coordination or hyperactivity issues. I also wonder how you could possibly know which children have been approved funding for 1:1 support and how this funding has been spent (that they should have lunchtime supervision and aren't getting it).

I think if you can't resolve the other issues you need to just move school, even if lunch gets sorted there's obviously absolutely no trust there from either side.

If want to get somewhere, don’t send a complaint to all and sundry. Don’t contact the safeguarding governor either, I am one and would just send you back to the head and to the complaints procedure or the chair of governors - whistleblowing about the head.

You need to find the formal complaints procedure, safeguarding policy and make a formal complaint. Highlight and quote any parts of the policy that are relevant to your child. If this doesn’t work, then escalate as per the policy. Be a polite persistent pest and also at every stage highlight how you’d like this resolved. It usually goes head, chair of governors, governor panel and then DfE - last one often changes depending on government but it will be in the policy. Just to say we don’t always automatically side with the head either.

The Father’s Day thing is neither here or there, focus on the safeguarding issues and to be honest consider moving your child.

Utterly wrong of the school. Your child has special needs and they are required to make reasonable adjustments. Quote the families act and long term medical conditions in schools them. I would make a fuss!!

I'm a GP. I assure you we have much better things to do than write a letter pandering to their shit school policies. The best you'd get out of me is

'Dear ridiculous school,
As per your request I can indeed confirm that the above child has ARFID. Considering that I don't endorse the literal starvation of any child I recommend that you allow this child to bring in whatever food meets their needs. On behalf of the thousands of patients on my list who are desperate for an appointment I would like to thank you for wasting using my time and a precious appointment to meet such an unnecessary request. I attach an invoice for supplying this letter which I'd be grateful if you could pay promptly'

This school sounds pretty horrific for lots of reasons. It perhaps isn't completely abnormal but I think there will be better out there that can meet your child's needs better OP. Good luck xx

Parents talk in the playground, so I do know several students who have 1-1, and yes my son can talk and has told me which students have attacked him and others so I do know. I've also discussed it extensively with the headteacher so I do know what happened and who it involved and the excuse is always the same, can't really explain how it happened, attention diverted for a moment and it just happened.

With regards to my DS's teeth, of course he told me what happened, and other DC told their parents what happened too, but the staff didn't see how it happened and again, all four members of staff allegedly must have had their attention diverted for a second.

ADHD wise, of course I want that looked at, but I don't consider they've done their duty by that at all- they've been too busy to do anything about it? What on earth?

and the Father's Day thing- it's not a complaint, we made our own, I was just saying with regard to the general confusing, scattered shitness of it all. I wish I'd never mentioned that now as pp are fixating on it.... it's not my complaint, just a comment about how they do things and how they don't seem to have fixed policies or proper explanations for anything. It all seems like winging it. I've got valid complaints in how my son is treated for his ARFID and how they've dealt with his suspected adhd referral. I just wanted to know if this is typical of any primary school, of small ones or if it's just generally shit.

My GP pretty much did say something like that, apart from the request for payment, but made it clear he felt it to be ridiculous that he needed to explain the value of nutrition to a teacher and insist that a child be allowed access to food they could eat, and that he was surprised that he needed to even write a letter when the parent had already explained the avoidance and sensory issues around food.

I felt pretty foolish begging my GP for a letter explaining that my son needs to eat, but he seemed sympathetic to my son and astounded by the school policy and advised me to look at another school. He also told me that they were still waiting for the EHR to submit the paperwork for the neurodevelopmental assessment, which is how I found out that the school hadn't even done one- leading to the conversation today where the sendco said they'd been too busy to put anything in place to support his additional needs.

School lunch thing is very inflexible but surely you have more paperwork in his diagnosis than needing a letter from GP? Has he been assessed for asd officially?

Aside that. Most schools have incredibly limited ed psch hours. They are firefighting the worse cases. Our local school can only refer one and a half kids a year for ehcp on the number of hours they have.

If your thinking adhd its defiantly better going through gp route or even a private assessment if you would like him to try medication.

I would consider if your so unhappy with the school moving to different school. You seem to be heading down a rabbit hole of general disgruntlement (after having a totally legitimate issue with lunches) with the school which doest bode well for working with school collaboratively to get the best outcome for your dc.

I feel for you OP and am not criticising you at all for contacting your GP btw. I agree with your GP. It sounds like you might benefit from finding an alternative school unless you think it'll be highly distressing for him to move x

They don't need a GP or a specialist or ed psych to fill a child's belly they just need common sense. That's kindof the point...