To think its not my fault

[EfEfEf]

Summer holidays are coming. All our kids' friends are going to see grandparents, cousins etc.
I was telling my H how I used to spend all summers at my uncles farm, playing with my cousins, and that set him off (again) how my family should step up and make more effort to form a relationship with our kids.

My immediate family is crap. My mum was great and warm, but she passed away few years ago. My siblings are happy to see us at xmasess and birthdays, but that's it. I've tried to initiate a closer,rfrequent relationship, but it's one sided. My dad is an alcoholic, nice enough when sober, but not to be trusted with kids.

But somehow H manages to constantly hurt me with this. I've made my peace with the fact that the relationships are what they are, and put my effort elsewhere into people that do appreciate me. He refuses to 'agree' and keeps on telling me my dad 'should' spend more time with the kids. My uncle 'should' also welcome my kids on his farm (despite being over 70 and having over 10 grandkids of his own and recently widowed).
It hurts. I wish my family cared more, but they don't, so what can I do about it?

His family lives abroad. They are not that amazing either. Toxic and dysfunctional. Chaotic even. Mine is distant, but at least it's calm and cordial.

I hear you. PFB arrived relatively late in life, so my surviving family is elderly and unable to do a lot with her. And, due to various health issues, much of the last 12 months has been me helping my dad, rather than him helping us. That's life, unfortunately. DW's family is overseas, so we don't see much of them for obvious reasons. And yes, it's frustrating when friends talk about handing the kids over for a weekend or whatever, because we never get to do that.

But you're doing the right thing - you can't change this situation, you can't force people to do more with your kids than they can or wish to do. And, while grandparents 'should' be keen to play a part, not all of them are able or willing and there's no obligation on them.

Not sure what you can do about helping husband to get over this - although I'd avoid the 'what about your family?' line, tempting though it is. Only thing I can suggest is to dial back on your childhood memories if that gets him agitated about what happens (or not) now. But you're right, it's not your fault.

@andyindurham the way we live now is not as it was in the 90s anyways. We were pretty much unsupervised all day every day and got into all sorts of trouble, so that formula doesn't even fit today's life 😖
I wasn't really reminiscing about my wonderful childhood. I asked if my cousin's child who lives nearby was going to be around for playdates and she said the kids will be at their grandparents farm. H heard this and went off on his verbal rampage.
I just don't get it why he needs to rub it in all the time. It feels really cruel, since it hurts already that we don't have anyone super close. It's the sarcasm 'oh they're going to their grandparents, imagine that' that really gets me. Trying not to show it, but really really gets me.

Why don't you tell him how lovely it would be for your dc to spend time with his family... Oh abroad even better.. And then say " oh yes they can't cus your family are dysfunctional, chaotic and not interested in the kids"
And walk away

Eugh sil is like this wanted our children to all play together and be so so close just like they where with their cousins.

The same cousins they don’t even see once a year as adults. Difference is though their parents all got along and actually liked each other and the children where relatively close in age. My teenager and pre teen certainly don’t want to play with a 2 year old and my youngest tolerates at best for a while but parenting is some what lacking to their toddler and just above toddler age so she tends to come away because they are hitting.

Your DH is being a dick about this. It's not your fault that your family aren't super close and he shouldn't be banging on about it.

Also, there's really no reason why children should necessarily have to spend lots of time with cousins, aunts and uncles etc. Just because they're related it doesn't mean they'll get on. They're benefiting just as much from socialising with friends as they would benefit from socialising with cousins.

@Theredjellybean i did suggest his aunt who has a wonderful villa in Italy could take them since her grankids are now grown up, and who is the same age as my poor uncle who's got his hands full.
She is the only non-dysfunctional family member and I'd actually like that.
But no. Its my fault that my family is crap. That I haven't 'maintained' my relationship with them.
I can't help it that my mum is dead, dad is an alcoholic, and my siblings are emotionally cold. How the hell is that my fault?!

Trying not to show it, but really really gets me.

I would absolutely start showing it by telling him it's hurtful and upsetting and he needs to fucking stop it.

As mumsnet loves to say... You have a dh problem not a family problem.

I'd literally tear a strip off him if he starts this nonsense again.
And say you hold him responsible for his useless family.
Definitely retort to any sarcasm with "yes imagine having an aunt with a villa in Italy for the children to go to..."

@10HailMarys this issue hurts me so deep, that I used to shoutcry at him to stop criticising my family because I've made my peace with it, it's still a sore spot.
He says it hurts him too that no one is interested and that he has his right to have an opinion.
So I've stopped reacting. I told him calmly today that can't we just agree, that no one cares as much as we'd like, and that close relationships are not on offer. Even managed to be chirpy with the kids and have a joke. But now I'm out of the house and fuming and feeling like I could cry.

@Theredjellybean i know.. I most definitely have a H problem. His shit used to affect me so much, and the next day its as if nothing happened. Attentive, caring, running me a bath.. whatever. I try my best every day to not get triggered by the things he says. But it's so hard. I hate my life.

He's deliberately getting at you over something out of your control. The question is why would he want to continually upset you?

@Sparkletastic I know right? Why would he want to upset me knowingly. Yet he does, and I'm trying my best not to show it.
The biggest argument we had was a few years ago, when I wanted to take the kids to see my dad on a father's day, and he got very insulting and said my dad doesn't deserve a visit since he never spends any time with the kids. That hurt me so much I shoutcried in front of the dc, and they still remember it.
My dad drinks, but he can be nice too. He was sober and had baked a cake because he knew we were coming.
Also, my always asks on everyone's birthday to see if my dad has called/messaged/sent a card. He knows he doesn't remember ir care about birthdays and it hurts. H knows this but he always asks. Sarcastically.

Your husband is a nasty fucker. No normal human would delight, as he does, in making someone they professed to ‘love’ continually upset and sad.

Bet this isn’t the only thing he does to make you feel shit and bully you 🙁

OP, are there other issues within the marriage too?

I'm honestly shocked that he says those things, knowing how the subject affects you. Has he got issues to his dysfunctional family?

Because decent, nice, balanced guys don't do this. It's like he's projecting all his crap onto your family and it being your fault. I don't know if I could repeatedly forgive that.

There must be more going on in the marriage than this. You can't do anything about it so he is saying it to hurt you. I dont even know why he is venting (if it was just that) because...why would he want your kids to have more contact with an alcoholic or people that don't care about them that much. Yes he has a right to an opinion. But he has told you his opinion, why does he feel the need to keep telling you his opinion, when it really upsets you?

Are you absolutely confident that at least PART of the reason your family is so distant isn't because your husband is a nasty bastard?

ExH used to say similar to me despite his family being next to useless too. Constant criticism of their perceived failings which were somehow my fault. Looking back I can see that this was part of a pattern of projection to take the spotlight of his and his family's inadequacies. Feels good to be free from this.
You already know that you are not responsible for your relatives actions. Don't let him plant doubts in your mind

@IndecisionnCentral there are number of issues. Too many to list tbh. I am starting to see how nasty he is. And his family, mainly MIL, is honestly the nastiest person I've ever met. When my mum was ill with cancer, and I would go and stay with her a lot, my MIL told my H that my mum is probably faking the illness to gain control over me. I mean WTF! And he told me this, as in he defended me/my mum.
My mum died shortly after. You can't make this stuff up sadly.

Bloody hell, love. This is absolutely awful.

I think your husband fully understands who hurtful you find his comments about your family, and he's deliberately taunting you with it. Honestly, I would be thinking about ending my marriage if I was in your situation. Nobody deserves to be treated like this; your husband is being deliberately cruel to you. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I’m wondering if he’s trying to deflect from his own family. I’ve sometimes wondered if I’m a bit like that; always felt I missed out on the “perfect family” experience, so then felt more let down by my in-laws than I maybe should’ve done. (Whereas my DH accepts his family’s shortcomings, but isn’t bothered about it in the same way.) If you’ve told your DH it really upsets you, though, he’s wrong to keep going on about it.