He’s ignoring the fact I might be pregnant

[inacuppa]

Told ‘dp’ last Wednesday evening I was a week late. Took a test which was negative and we have been using contraception (although I did miss a pill and can’t remember when this was). But told him I felt like I was pregnant and the only time I have missed a period is when I am pregnant.
This would be unplanned. We have an 11mo (and 4yo) I’ve literally only in the last week got my first full night’s sleep and feel as if I am getting a bit of my sanity back. I’ve struggled with PND and had a really rough time.

Anyway, on telling dp this he barely said anything and went in the garden to carry on with his jobs. I got tired of waiting and went to bed alone. Next day he texted me from work like nothing had happened and can’t see why I am upset that he has barely mentioned it since, whilst I am having sleepless nights and testing every day. Currently now 11 days late. I feel in limbo and I am shaking every time I go to the loo. Mainly now because it has made me realise I don’t want to be with him anymore and therefore another dc would be even more catastrophic.

I just keep thinking imagine if I am pregnant and he’s not even asked me.
This is not how a relationship should be is it?
He has form for being distant when I need support.
AIBU to be really upset by it?

You are now ANXIOUS of the fact that you might be pregnant... eventhough you had sex when you forgot to take your pills.

I would ignore you too if i was your dp. You have a 4yo and a 11 month old. He'll be hoping the pregnancy test is 1000% negative. Get some better anticonceptivos asap op. For his sake. And yours. And your 2 kids that you have with a man you "dont wanna be with....

You've had multiple neg tests.
You're using contraception.

I don't understand why you would want / expect him to act any other way?
Surely one anxious person crying and visibly emotional is better than two?

If you're 11 days late and still having neg tests. I highly doubt you're pregnant. I don't mean to be blunt but it sounds like you're making something out of really not a lot.
Hope your period comes soon OP.

I don’t want to be with him anymore

Isn't this the important thing? Put the pregnancy tests down and have a proper talk about your relationship.

Sounds difficult OP and sorry to hear you’re not getting the support or response you need or hoped for.

I wonder if you’re late now because of the worry / stress you’re putting your body through? I once went 3 months without a period due to work-related stress which eventually turned into stressing about not having a period! It’s a hard cycle to to break but I’d try to take your mind off it if you can and keep yourself busy with your little ones x

I don't understand why you're shaking when you go to the toilet though when the changes you are pregnant right now are vanishingly small.

Your DP is just seeing it as matter of fact. You're very probably not pregnant. No big deal, move on? (Maybe get double up on contraception if you are this anxious over a late period)

Does he even know this is a n issue? Does he know you are so worried you've done 6 tests? I imagine he thinks you did a test, it was negative, and that was the end of it. I would only expect "support" if I desperately wanted a baby and was devastated by the negative test. Maybe you are being unfair to him on this occasion?

Is his reaction to this the only reason to make you not want to be with him? Or is it symptomatic of something bigger?

@MaJoady thank you. Yeah his is exactly how I feel. Alone a lot of the time. Fully accept what people are saying about being anxious. I have anxiety and that is the nature of it . But there has been many a time when I have just needed him to reassure me and has actually made me a million times worse. This does feel like the final straw. He often makes me feel like it’s my mental illness and not him at all.

He doesn’t know I’ve had 6 negative tests, because he hasn’t asked. We have had family staying which has complicated things but he has had plenty of opportunity. They have gone now so will speak to him tonight when the kids are in bed.

I had really bad prenatal depression too so this is part of my worry. I am just so confused as have all the symptoms but maybe it’s in my head. Just wish my period would come.

Your anxiety is probably what's delaying your period tbh.
You've taken several tests, you aren't pregnant - I honestly can't see what he's done wrong. As far as he's concerned, tests are negative and you aren't pregnant, so I'm not sure what you want him to say.

But there has been many a time when I have just needed him to reassure me and has actually made me a million times worse. This does feel like the final straw. He often makes me feel like it’s my mental illness and not him at all.

There we have it. Its not entirely about the test.

I have anxiety and that is the nature of it . But there has been many a time when I have just needed him to reassure me and has actually made me a million times worse. This does feel like the final straw. He often makes me feel like it’s my mental illness and not him at all

But perhaps it is your mental health.

Maybe you're expecting something he just can't give. Some people just aren't very reassuring. But there's nothing here that screams he's horrible, he's just not meeting your needs. But those needs might be very great and he's just not up to it. Not everyone is cut out to be with someone very anxious.

Neither of you is at fault. You're just not very compatible perhaps.

Tell that to my 10yo

i took 6 negative tests over 4 months with her and believed I wasn’t pregnant until I was 6 months and the dr could feel her

Ex still didn’t believe until after ultrasound despite the fact we were actively trying.

i feel you op and you’re rights it is not fair that you’re the one that carries the risk of pregnancy and the fear and responsibility that comes with that.

But also what do you want from him?

What kind of reaction were you expecting?

Really, it’s not about this, you say there’s other problems to be addressed?

regarding the possible pregnancy I would get your self to the dr, especially if you won’t want to continue it. The sooner dealt with the better and then once your not frightened about this you can look properly at the remaining issues

If you're very anxious and you suffered prenatal depression and you've got small children, he's probably stressing too! It's just that his approach to feeling worried is to withdraw.

Again, that's not wrong. It's just wrong for you because you need someone who engages.

Thank you for these. They are helping my perspective. A chat is needed for sure. But you’re all right - it’s part of a much bigger picture.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling, not sure if you already know but you can get a blood test to check more accurately if you’re pregnant or not - it measures HCG like home pregnancy tests do but gives you an actual value. I was able to book one at a private medical practice near me last week. I rang up and booked in at 2pm to have the test at 4pm and got the results by email just before 7pm. It cost £90 and if you can afford it and find a provider near you it might be worth it for peace of mind.

Are you receiving any professional help for your anxiety? It sounds like he’s not treating you like you’re pregnant because the test was negative and you’re not- makes sense really

I think you need to separate wanting to break up with him from the pregnancy scare and sit down to consider the relationship.

Also, you could do with reading a bit more about how the pill works. Despite a few posters explaining that you don't get a period, you just get a withdrawal bleed, you're acting as though you've got a regular cycle and are late on your period. That isn't the case.

He doesn’t know I’ve had 6 negative tests, because he hasn’t asked.
But why would he?
As far as he's concerned, one negative test = no pregnancy.
Also - you say "he hasn't asked" - you, equally, have not TOLD him.
He's not a mind reader.

I had really bad prenatal depression too so this is part of my worry. I am just so confused as have all the symptoms but maybe it’s in my head. Just wish my period would come.
You're ringing the GP for a check-up about the missing period again tomorrow aren't you? So ask for a double appointment, & a meds review.
Anxiety is such a bitch to manage. Really sorry you are going through it.
Don't make any decisions about your relationship until you have had a consult with the GP, accessed some therapy, & are feeling on a more even keel within yourself.
CBT might help you a lot with the anxious, circular thoughts.

This will pass OP.
It's all very 'normal' ... just tough to deal with in the moment.
Get some reassurance & hand-holding via the GP & any agency she can refer you to. You're clearly struggling & there is NO shame in that. You're not even a year post-partum yet, & looking after a 4 year old on top of that.

When you feel your anxiety might be spiralling, remember not to catastrophise, not to succumb to 'black & white thinking' & practice your breathing & grounding exercises.
www.betterhelp.com/advice/anxiety/22-best-grounding-techniques-for-anxiety/

Yup.

Don't fall into the trap of "I'm the only one having all these awful stressy thoughts & feelings" OP.
That would be just another way of allowing the anxiety to beat you up.

We all have mad, unfortunate, & self-destructive thoughts.
Getting a handle on them while your hormones may be all over the place is challenging, but do-able - so long as you accept help. Psych/counselling professionals LOVE a self-referrer. It's proof they are working with someone intent on helping themselves to get better.

Get yourself looked after OP. You can't carry on feeling this worried.

If you're 11 days late and still testing negative, in all reality its extremely unlikely you're pregnant.

You both need to sit down when your children are in bed and have a serious discussion about where you both want your relationship to go.

What pill are you on? The pill stops you from ovulating so you shouldnt have any periods at all. Most women get a bleed in the break but this is not a true period it's just a withdrawal bleed

The mini pill neither stops you from ovulating nor stops your periods.

That is literally why I asked what pill op was on 🤷‍♀️

The mini pill can stop your periods. My periods stopped from the very first month I started taking it. It spells out in the info leaflet that this is common and it mentions on the NHS website that periods may get lighter or stop altogether on the mini pill. For a decade or so, the only bleeding I had was occasional spotting when I've missed a pill for some reason or had a tummy bug that affected absorption. It's different for everyone and some women get periods just as they always did, but loads of women don't.

OP, your anxiety is irrational, which is why your partner doesn't share the anxiety. You have done many pregnancy tests and they have shown that you are not pregnant. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your anxiety over this, but there is no reason you should expect your boyfriend to be anxious too.

You can’t really blame him for not suffering with the same anxiety levels as you. Talk to your GP. If you are pregnant and he doesn’t then step up you can look at your relationship. If you are not, you can see if you want to carry on.

6 negative tests, you aren’t pregnant OP. Such extreme stress about it could be delaying your period though. I’d phone the GP and explain and ask for a pregnancy blood test to give you a definitive answer as it’s making you so anxious. I don’t think your partner has done anything wrong on this occasion, but obviously as part of a bigger picture he may be unreasonable here.