Friend's house

[nic32bp]

More of a WWYD really.
If you went to a friend's house whether 3 young children live and the place stunk and was dirty.
Youngest child sleeps in parent's room so didn't go in there.
Older 2 (twins aged 3) share room which I went in to for the first time yesterday.
As soon as I stepped into the room I was hit by an overpowering stench, like the sort of smell of bedding that's not been washed for years, window never been happen, dirty washing everywhere.
The smell permeating everything, hit the back of my throat and made my eyes actually water.
Smelt like it was deeply ingrained and had built up over time.
A bit in the corner of the room was overflowing with rubbish.
I see the children and rest of the family a lot and they never smell bad or look unclean. Just really concerned about that bedroom and the terrible stench.

I think it's more common than we realise.

Are you close enough friends to be able to gently talk to them about it and offer to help? How much is her partner doing? Does she work full time?

How is your friend? Any mental health struggles or mobility issues? Are the DC clean and healthy?

How well do you know them? If it was one of my super close friends, I'd honestly take them to the side and offer to go round and spend a day helping sort things out if it's all overwhelming. I've done this when a friend had their first DC, just went round and spent a good day cleaning whilst she napped (father of DC abroad and unable to return immediately so struggling on her own), it helped get her out of the rut and tbh tackling it when it's bad is so daunting sometimes it's easier to leave it, and she was just so busy being a ftm.

If it was someone I didn't know too well / wasn't sure of the reason behind I'm not sure what I'd do, maybe ask a family member to do a mini welfare check? Then hope they'd help them!

If it really is that bad and you don't feel you can do anything personally to help change it then I think you need to call social services. 3 year olds shouldn't be living in those sort of unsanitary conditions and this family need help.

You need to speak to your friend and make it clear how bad it is. If you can / want to physically help, great. If she is not responsive to advice/ offers of help, tell her you are sharing your concerns with Social Services, as you are concerned about her and the children. Always better to be open and honest - though she may be very defensive and your friendship might end.

Does your friend need some support? Would she consider/afford a cleaner? Tricky conversation to have.

Also be prepared that Social Services may have lower standards/higher thresholds for intervention than you might expect. However, that's their call.

3 kids under 3 is tough. Standards may have slipped and they're struggling to get on top of it again, once mess reaches a certain point, it can become so daunting.

I would have a chat with her. Ask her if everything's ok, is there anything you can help with. Offer to call round and help tidy some day. But essentially making it clear that the kids shouldn't have to live in the mess.

What is the rest of the house like?

I'm not 100% social services would take it seriously, as someone else said the standards for intervention may be a bit higher.

What's the rest of the house like? The kitchen, bathrooms, lounge etc?

Has the house previously been OK but has now deteriorated? I assume you've visited before.

If the rest ofctge housecis equally as bad then it looks like your friend could do what some support and practical help. 3 young children is hard work.

If the rest of the house is OK and it's just the 3 year olds' bedroom then it may just be that keeping that room clean has been getting too much or is just overdue a blitz clean.

If you walked into my teenage child's bedroom who has ASD you'd probably be horrified by the mess. She can have a room looking like squatters have moved in within an hour of it being cleaned. She is not neglected.

Have a chat with your friend. Find out how she is.

Report. It’s unacceptable to bring kids up in this sort of squalor. These parents are lazy at best and neglectful at worst. The children’s life chances will be severely impacted by living in these conditions. If the house smells, their clothes will likely smell. Imagine the bullying at school.

To those saying do nothing, they need Tom pick their bar up off the floor.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Most of the house is ok, bathroom could be cleaner and maybe open the window occasionally.
Yeah she's a close friend and we can usually talk about anything. Just feels tricky to bring up this stuff with the twins' bedroom!

And this is precisely why we hear cases of children dying of neglect and abuse.

My house gets like that every few weeks and if the rest of the house is OK but could do with a clean then I wouldn't worry.

The smell might just be the 3 year old having accident after accident and what would he the point in buying a new mattress or carpet (which would be holding the smell) until they are dry at night? This ties into the piles of washing (which happens to us all with small children)

Hmmm, I think if my three year old was having so many accidents their room made people hold their breath I would put them back in nappies at night. This isn't to say I don't think the parents here are probably generally good enough parents who are struggling, but I don't think the room as described by the op can be excused really. I say this as a messy bastard who struggles keeping on top of the house and before children had a rat infestation that I hadn't really noticed.