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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find making conversation with this person tiring?

26 replies

ModeNotSupported · 20/06/2022 09:59

I have a cousin coming to stay for a few days and just realized I'm actually dreading the constant chat.

Cousin is lovely but it's like she can't stop talking. As if silence can't be tolerated. As a result she just talks ALL the time. I tend to wait til she draws breath to speak but its as if she doesn't draw breath sometimes!

I love my cousin, I just wish our conversations were a bit more balanced. But what do I do, interrupt her? Also, as its her dominating our conversations, the subject tends to be her/ her family/ her job etc. So I'd say she knows very little about what makes me tick.

I can imagine her going home to her family after her visit and saying, oh Mode is very quiet - but when I'm with friends we take turns in speaking and listen to each other. So we all know whats going on in each other's lives. Thats just not how it works with my cousin!

I will say that I'm slightly more introverted than extrovert, I like to think about what I'm about to say. But not to the point of leaving awkward pauses.

I'd really love some advice on how to maintain a flow of conversation with us both contributing. Does this mean I have to talk over her?? Help please, I know I'll be exhausted by the time she leaves!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 20/06/2022 10:05

I worked with someone like this. We had to be honest and ask her to take a break from talking. Lucky she did start to listen. It can be a form of anxiety.

bananaboats · 20/06/2022 10:06

Sounds exactly like my SIL, she's lovely but totally dominates the convo & never stops talking. I doubt she could tell you 5 things about me but I feel like I know everything she's ever done in her life! I've long given up trying to intrupt, steer the convo etc it doesn't work so I just smile & nod (with a large glass of wine!)

heldinadream · 20/06/2022 10:09

Had an elderly relative like this. Obviously terrified that the conversation would stop.
I just learned to love her for herself.
The more I was able to do that, the less it bothered me.

peridito · 20/06/2022 10:09

Could you interrupt with a jokey "Whoa there ,slow down cus .I know I'm a bit slow at processing but you're wearing me out! Big smile .Now were you talking about your son ,I've had the opposite/same thing .."

WotTheDickens · 20/06/2022 10:12

Does she have ADHD by any chance?

knittedwithme · 20/06/2022 10:13

I have a friend like this. She truly has a heart of gold and I think deep down suffers with self esteem issues so over compensates by talking non stop and trying to impress.

It is hard because I find myself exhausted in her company from nodding and wonder if she actually thinks I'm boring because never seems to let me finish a sentence!

I don't know what the solution is, but just to tell you that you aren't alone in finding this type of person difficult to spend time with!

Cherrysoup · 20/06/2022 10:18

My mother is like this. It's exhausting. She does not understand the value of silence or that it can be valid. Can you take breaks-a quick trip to the shop etc.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/06/2022 10:26

I think we all know someone a bit like this.

Don't be afraid to say "I'm tired, shall we stop chtting and watch a film" or "I really want to watch X program on tv, do you mind if i go and watch it?", or even "I'm going to bed"

picklemewalnuts · 20/06/2022 10:34

Mum's like this and takes great offence if you try and curb her in anyway. At a party we played a 'round the room' game, to try and manage her. She kept jumping in so she still had multiple goes.

It's exhausting and ultimately I don't listen well to her. My brain switches off.

I find it less exhausting if I just tune her out with an occasional uhuh thrown in, than if I actually try and engage.

Radical acceptance makes life easier!

Pestoisthebesto · 20/06/2022 10:35

You've just described me, I don't know why I talk so much and it's not intentional, I'm aware that I do it and tend to beat myself up alot when I come away from conversations, people would be surprised at how much I do listen though even when it doesn't seem like I am, I often tell people to feel free to tell me to shut up though.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 20/06/2022 10:40

I know someone like this and have no good advice about how to make the conversation more balanced.

It's less exhausting for me if I imagine the torrent of words as a river. I'm on the edge of the river, watching it go by. I don't need to jump into the river, respond to it, or try to change it. Just sit on the edge, relaxing, letting it all flow by ...

Original poster
ModeNotSupported · 20/06/2022 11:22

You have no idea how comforting it is to hear from others in the same position! I've actually been feeling like a weirdo because I have several other cousins who are similarly chatty, but I choose not to see too much of them.

One of those cousins made a remark recently about finding people who "sit there and don't say much" intimidating. I took that as a dig at me. Years ago he said (jokingly 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
ModeNotSupported · 20/06/2022 11:27

Sorry pressed too soon. Said "shut up I can't get a word in edgeways" when he'd been monologue-ing for aaages! I replied that he hadn't stopped talking long enough for anyone else to speak. Don't think he's liked me since then.

Yes I'll be taking breaks every so often, to recharge. Thanks everyone for your tesponses.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/06/2022 11:32

I would try to think of her as talk radio. Pay attention if it's something you find interesting and let it wash over you otherwise.

I find that there are two types of incessant chatters, the first type just talk and don't really require much back and they are easier to just accept and ignore. The second type are more difficult because they want constant interaction, so they ask tons of probing question about my life or they constantly ask what I think about whatever is going on their life (usually a mountain out of a molehill thing). I find the second type truly exhausting.

Iamnotamermaid · 20/06/2022 11:33

Deal with lots of people like this. What I notice is that they will not listen to you. They are terrible listeners in fact. They will jump in, interrupt, or just wander off to do something else.

So I now 'listen' but not intently. They get about 50% of my focus during a monologue & once I get 50% of airtime they will get more of my attention.

WotTheDickens · 20/06/2022 11:34

I know people like this. Even if you do force them to let you speak you always have the feeling they aren't really listening/interested.

I think it's partly cultural where in some places everyone talks at the same time. People from Southern Mediterranean backgrounds tend to do this as you will have noticed if you've ever been stuck on a bus in the middle of a group of them.

SueSaid · 20/06/2022 11:37

Just interrupt! People like this cannot follow social cues so will talk non stop until someone talks louder and they get the hint.

She's probably very nervous and her overtalking is just her way of dealing with social interaction. Butt in, take over and talk over her. Exhausting yes and tbh I wouldn't be encouraging her to stay for a few days, commit to overnight stay and that's it in the future.

Joystir59 · 20/06/2022 11:40

I had a friend like this, who could go through an entire visit of several hours duration without once asking me how I was!

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/06/2022 11:44

It depends how comfortable you are being honest with this person. I have a really old friend who never shuts up: it’s often a stream of consciousness rant about something she is exercised about.

i sometimes just say: “you are doing it again, can you chill?” And she usually calms it down.

If this person is going to upset by this then it’s tough and I don’t know what to advise really but I think it’s legitimate to switch off and let it flow over you.

Honestly if people have reached adulthood without being able to read these cues (as long as they are not neurodiverse) then it is not your job to pander to it.

Meraas · 20/06/2022 12:13

I would just say 'can I speak now please?' That's what I do with my family. She's your cousin, if you don't feel able to say anything, then she's not a good friend and you shouldn't be wasting time on her.

dottypotter · 20/06/2022 12:16

That's the way she is as you are the way you are.

I wouldn't say anything. I'd love a cousin haven't seen them for years.

If she wasn't here anymore you'd miss her.

GentlemanJay · 20/06/2022 12:23

I have a friendship group with someone like this. One person has fallen out with her. The others inc myself have pulled back from it.

Fraaahnces · 20/06/2022 12:27

IMO, people like that believe you are very close because they don’t notice that you’re not talking, but you ARE really good at listening… (even if you’re really imagining yourself shoving an apple in their mouth like a pig on a spit - or a gag ball.)

10HailMarys · 20/06/2022 12:52

Literally just interrupt her. People who talk a lot like that usually don't mind if you do. They're kind of expecting you to do it, I think.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 20/06/2022 13:08

I'm quite introverted, but I talk too much when I'm nervous/anxious and scared of coming across as boring. The other scenario is when I'm very excited about something. I have ADHD so I'm a bugger for interrupting people when I've suddenly thought of something to say. I get all excited and get verbal diarrhea. Social interactions are exhausting! 🤣