So fed up with DH mental health!

[Inamechangedforthis12]

Woke up today in a good mood, once again wake DH up and he's in a bad mood. Its bringing me down and I can't cope anymore! Recently had our 3rd child that wasn't planned, told DH if we was to keep the baby he needed to help more and he agreed, the first few weeks he was amazing now nothing again, he's tired and burnt out apparently!!

Im a SAHM with 3 children, one that has ASD and mentally exhausts me! I honestly feel like im going to have a mental break down I just want to wake up and be happy ffs! I'm such a positive person, I see the good in everything and know I am so blessed with my three beautiful children!

But he's bringing me down and its really starting to effect me, If I talk to him its I am tired! He did have a hard job on but it beens a week since it ended surely he should be recovered, feel like I'm living with a man child the amount he moans!

Aibu? I don't know what to do anymore!

If he’s depressed he can’t just instantly recover. Had he been to the gp?

Being with someone with depression/mental health problems is really hard work. But it does take a bit of a team approach to stay together and make it work. You sound too burnt out yourself to have empathy/sympathy.

My condition with my DH in similar circumstances was that he had to seek help - get to the GP get a proper diagnosis and take whatever was suggested and do whatever was suggested. In his case it was antidepressants, exercise and getting out at least one night a week.

I could leave the house so I had 8 hours at work - that helped me.

If he hadn't gone to the GP I'd have left.

You need both to work out is he actually got something that can be worked on - the drugs do work - or is he just a lazy arse who has checked out of family life and you've only just noticed.

He sounds depressed. Try and get him to see his GP and most of all to talk about it. If it is depression it needs treating properly like any other illness and it can take some time.

If he's depressed or suffering with poor mental health he can't just snap out of it all of a sudden on whim.

He probably is tired and burnt out, as are you! If you're both struggling you need to find a happy medium of helping each other, otherwise you're working against each other and it just won't work. You're a SAHM mentally exhausted with 3 DC, he's a working parent trying to work inside and outside of the home. Both sound equally stressful!

Sounds like you need a proper honest chat about how you can help each other and what support you both actually need.

I think the question here is : is he depressed or is he just being a man child/lazy/
apathetic

my husband was similar, but it wasn’t depression. He was just wallowing a bit and in a cycle of unhealthy living, the less he did the less he wanted to do. It’s taken many conversations to try to get him to take responsibility for his own health and mindset, and it’s still an uphill struggle.

Well, the thing is ... you dismiss your husband's claim to be feeling 'tired and burnt out' and call him a 'man child', but then you say that you, yourself, are mentally exhausted, can't cope and are on the verge of a mental breakdown.

What I'm trying to understand is why do you think your mental health problems are real and valid, while DH's mental health is just a case of being lazy and moody? If you're tired and burnout and on the verge of a breakdown, why wouldn't he be the same? You are a sahm; he works full time. Pretty standard for you both to be knackered, I'd say.

You also don't seem to understand that if he is depressed or burnout, he can't just bounce back like a rubber band. He can't just suddenly be happy and positive or get over stress because a difficult job finished a week ago. That's not how it works.

I'm such a positive person, I see the good in everything and know I am so blessed with my three beautiful children!

But you said yourself that you are mentally exhausted by caring for your child with ASD - so you must be aware that you can feel blessed by your beautiful children and still feel stressed and burnout at the same time. You can feel like that, so why can't your DH?

I just want to wake up and be happy ffs!

So does he, though. I doubt he actually enjoys feeling miserable. I'm pretty sure that he'd prefer to be happy if he could.

I do totally get that living with someone with depression is hard, and I also think he probably needs to see his GP if he is struggling that much with burnout and stress, but I also think you're a bit lacking in empathy here and that you don't really understand what depression actually is.

Can you send him out of the door for a walk as soon as he gets up? I too often wake up feeling grumpy but I know that means I need to get some fresh air and sunlight before I interact with anyone! I put on my trainers and walk (even just for 10 mins eg to pick up bread and milk) and I come home feeling energised and positive. The whole house has a better vibe and everyone gets a better version of me if I’ve had my walk.

Sorry I should have put more detail, he does suffer with depression but refuses any help! Iv tried everything even referred him to mind matters and he ignored their calls!

I also suffer with anxiety and depression but had counselling and CBT when I was younger so cope a lot better than him.

@10HailMarys My problem is I can deal with DD and her autism but not with DH on top of it, his low mood and constant moaning makes me in a bad and short tempered!

We have argued all day, and its all my fault apparently! Although we haven't argued for 7 weeks whilst his mood has been stable and he has been helping out

so He has been ok for the past few weeks but is having a rough day today. Then surely you can cut him some slack for one day?

Very true. I agree with this post. You have to make a distinction between mental illness and personality flaws. If he is truly depressed, he needs help. To walk out on your partner because of something they can’t help is a pretty sh*tty thing to do. People are so focussed on themselves nowadays, and their ‘rights’, that they forget things like duty and honour.

That said, he could just be miserable, whiny and self-pitying. A lot of men, especially over 40, turn into boring, miserable sods who never want to go anywhere or do anything. And they don’t change, that’s for sure.

He needs to take responsibility for himself and get help.
You are his partner, not his carer.

For someone who has suffered from depression, you show a remarkable lack of empathy and understanding for someone else with depression. I think perhaps what he is suffering from is very different to what your idea of depression is.

I can understand your frustration about him not getting help. But referring to him as a man-child, moaning that he isn't positive/grateful, suggesting that he's lazy and totally dismissing the idea that he could be tired or burnt-out is probably not helping. When I was at my lowest ebb I could barely hold a conversation, let alone deal with someone referring me to a helpline and just expecting me to speak to a stranger about my feelings.

I'll be brutally honest: if my partner who knew I was suffering from depression had talked about me the way you're talking about your husband here, I would probably not be here today.

Although we haven't argued for 7 weeks whilst his mood has been stable and he has been helping out

You honestly sound as if you don't really care if he's depressed or not, provided he pretends to be OK and does what he's told. He has to hide how he's feeling all day at work, and then you want him to hide it at home as well, and if he doesn't, you argue with him. I'm not surprised he doesn't feel able to see his GP or speak to anyone about this, really.

You say his job ended, is he working at all@Inamechangedforthis12 ?

If not, and he’s refused support for his depression, what does he do all day?

Wow. Your poor DH. I can see why he's depressed...

@Sirzy No he's been having a rough week! The first 3 days I left him to it because of the job he'd been on, he slept on and off for 3 days, its been a week now and he's still tired apparently, iv not had a day off in 5 years and still have to get up every day to sort out 3 children!

If this is out of character for him then I suspect he is depressed and seriously needs some help with this.

Regardless of what is causing his apathy, there IS a cause and you both need to get to the bottom of it. People can say "man-child" all day long, but most people don't WANT to be a bad partner/parent.

At the same time, I have had a partner who needed a lot of reassurance due to a mental health condition and it is exhausting at times; especially if the person cannot accept help. Most people don't wilfully refuse help, often they feel ashamed, embarrassed or unable to express what they feel. He may genuinely not have a clue why he feels and behaves as he does, this is often the case with people in general let alone those with MH difficulties. It is also the case that many people are terrified of MH professionals/therapy because they have no idea what therapy looks like. They worry if help will somehow make them worse.

If you want advice I would say validate, validate and then validate some more. If he is depressed he is going to take a lot of what you say as a criticism. If he is depressed it makes complete sense he is miserable, unmotivated and demoralised. AND he also has to make changes if he is going to feel better.

I would ask the following:

1. What is getting in the way of getting help? Is it a belief or assumption? Shame/embarrassment? Lack of motivation/energy?
2. What does he want? Just saying "he has to take responsibility" is nonsensical if he has no idea how to plan getting where he wants to be.

I feel for you. Its shit and its a lot of hard work. There is no getting around it. Just don't make assumptions that he has the capacity/capability to actually do what you are asking. Depression often leaves people completely unable, even if they look okay externally.

@Inamechangedforthis12

Is there a physical cause for this tiredness? This sounds extreme and there may be a metabolic, neurological or hormonal cause for this tiredness. Its not normal and should get checked. Plus that may get him in the GP's door.

After yesterday he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore and is just being nasty at every opportunity he gets! Even better