Aibu for feeling like aibu when I know I'm not.

[Cloudyvintage]

Complicated one but have you been in the situation where you know you are 100% not being unreasonable, but you have fought your battle, eventually got your point across, the other person/people admit they were BU but now you feel like you were BU for standing your ground because they 'feel bad' and are 'sad' about the situation when they were the ones BU initially?

Is this normal to feel bad after you were in the right and by making them see what they did was wrong has now made them feel bad/guilty?

Without much to go on, in terms of specifics, I’d say the other person is emotionally manipulating you (intentionally or unintentionally).

So you shouldn’t feel guilty.

More details needed

I have never felt bad about standing up for myself. If the other party feels poorly about their shit behaviour that's their issue to deal with. I don't absorb guilt for anyone.

Thank you, this is a conclusion I have thought myself although feared. The specifics aren't really relevant as the argument could be about anything but it is my parents. I am an adult with children in my 40s but as I've aged and as Covid has separated us due to time apart, I have felt it harder to accept some of theirs and other family members behaviour amd attitude. I suppose I see them in all different light and I am less accepting of their actions since.

It's an uncomfortable feeling standing up for yourself when you're not used to it, gets easier the more you do it though!

I understand OP!

I usually feel like it after standing up for myself, setting a needed boundary, saying “no”, or just putting myself/my needs first.

It’s awkward, because we know in doing the right thing for ourselves (whatever that thing may be) the other person will be left upset/angry/in a negative emotion.

It’s really hard to put yourself and your needs first when it seems we may let others down. Which is why a lot of people can be seen as “doormats”. When in reality it’s a fear of or not wanting to upset somebody.

Yes! I nearly started a thread on this tonight.

I told my boyfriend he hurt me yesterday. He got very defensive. I pointed out that he often gets angry and defensive when I'm expressing my feelings. He's been quiet with me all day as a result because he feels like I told him off. He cannot hear me expressing my hurt or upset without making it about his feelings.

I know he is BU. I think he is manipulating me into not expressing myself by this behaviour. I don't think it's conscious. I think he's behaving like a child and as he learnt to do as a child.

And yet, I've still been analysing it several times in case I could've handled it better. I know he's upset. But surely if I pander to the upset then his manipulation has worked which is probably why he's developed it as a conflict management technique in the first place.

Hope that's understood your point.