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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex stepchild

25 replies

serendipity8888 · 19/06/2022 17:59

OH and I are in an overseas rship for the last 3 and a bit years.

When I met OH he had been split up with his ex for about 2 years.

She had a child when he met her, I think when he met her the kid was maybe 2/3 months old. They were together for just under 3 years. He raised the kid as his own cos the kids dad never bothered with her. He made it clear he would choose the child over me (as well he should)

After the split OH saw the child every weekend, usually so the mum could go out etc. OH was very hands on as the mum has a drink and weed problem.

The mum would often stop him seeing the child for weeks at a time, until she needed something. If she wanted money or driving somewhere she'd ask OH.

When I met OH I asked him why he was being a babysitter and letting her take advantage like this. He said because he loves the child and she has all the power as he's not bio dad. Fair enough.

Ex then stopped visits and then re started as usual but this time only every other weekend and she'd mess him about more often than not.

OH and ex didn't get along well as she brought a lot of men around the child, the drink and weed etc, taking the child to parties etc. Then ex then met a new man and cut OH out altogether, said she wanted to focus on the new family unit.

I was on good terms with his ex and she said to me that she just wanted a normal family for the kid, ie. One mum and one dad. She felt OH ruined her previous relationships by being controlling over the child and not pleasant toward the men. She said she had wanted to stop him seeing the kid as soon as they split but hadn't because she felt bad.

I believe me being around may have something to do with it, although we get along, ever since I've been around she's made things with OH and the kid difficult.

It's been 8 months since OH saw the child. We are planning our wedding and he is moving here in December. I have a son whom he is close with.

Today the ex reached out to OH saying the child had tried to call him. She then ignored OH's reply.

AIBU saying OH needs to stay put? I don't want to take him away from this child. Likewise if we have a child in the future I don't want him stuck here between kids. (Ex will not let him take the child on holiday) so I'm thinking call ir quits, let him stay there with his family and the child.

My best friend says this isn't a stepchild it's the kid of a girl he used to date and he should focus on his future with me...

OH doesn't seem to know what to do.

Who's BU?

OP posts:

Fimofriend · 19/06/2022 18:05

I know he probably loves the kid but his ex has weaponized his love so he might have to walk away from the situation gor his own mental health. It must be so tough. My sympathies.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 18:09

I think its in the best interest of the little girl to let it go.

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:12

You won't like hearing this but I always think it's odd when a man wants to see children that aren't biologically his. Does he pay maintenance for her?

x2boys · 19/06/2022 18:13

She's playing games ,but he doesn't have any rights here ,as much as he loves the child but she's going to carry on being like this ,ultimately the child will suffer .

Cocowatermelon · 19/06/2022 18:16

Can he downgrade the relationship in his mind from father figure to family friend? He has no control here and his ex can and will stop all contact when she wants to and he will have absolutely no say in that.

Applesandroses · 19/06/2022 18:18

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:12

You won't like hearing this but I always think it's odd when a man wants to see children that aren't biologically his. Does he pay maintenance for her?

Only men not women? Adoptive dads, uncles, foster dads, step dads.... There are many ways to parent a child, not all of them involve a dna relationship

The man brought the child up like it was his own for 3 years, him still caring about the child isn't odd, or whatever else you are implying in that little statement

The mother has a drug and alcohol problem, but sure its the man whose behaviour is concerning?!

Original poster

serendipity8888 · 19/06/2022 18:19

He did pay for her, he bought everything she needed as the mum would pawn the kids stuff for money... he bought the kid a tablet and she pawned it to "pay the internet bill" so he paid her bill for her and got the tablet back... he also gave the ex money all the time and drove her everywhere.

Long story short they dated Jan 2016-nov 2018, he stopped seeing the kid oct 2021.

OP posts:

Original poster

serendipity8888 · 19/06/2022 18:21

In all honesty I want to shake him and the ex, they could've coparented but they were toxic together during and after the split, she's very immature for her age (as is he tbf) and he's a pushover because he knows he has no rights.

She started all this when I came along which is why I feel I should leave.

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:25

The mother has a drug and alcohol problem, but sure its the man whose behaviour is concerning?!

Yes. Because thats exactly the sort of vulnerable child who would be easy to target.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/06/2022 18:29

I think he needs to let go. Agree with others who say his ex is using his love for this child against him. He has no parental rights over this child and the ex is using the child as a weapon.

I think he now need to text back and say

Whilst I will always feel affectionate towards X(Child) ultimately you have made it impossible for me to continue in a father figure type role and as they are not my biological child I have no legal right to do so. I will be blocking all contact from you after this latest game playing and hope that you get help with your drug and alcohol problems.

He has done all the can to try and help this child. He needs to detach for his own sake and for yours.

LittleOwl153 · 19/06/2022 18:31

It sounds like he needs to make a clear decision either here with you, your kid(s) or overseas with this other kid. But it does need to be his decision as it will involve walking away from the other girl completely.

I think you are right that he shouldn't try to do both as it will work out badly for all of you at some point.

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 18:33

If you feel you should leave and you want to leave then leave. It sounds a tricky situation so look after your needs first here.

ImAvingOops · 19/06/2022 18:43

If I was him I'd see a solicitor and see if there was some way of establishing legal parental responsibility, since he has been behaving as a father since the child was a baby. I vaguely remember that in the USA a person who has been acting as a parent from the get go can establish legal status as parent but I don't know if UK haste equivalent procedures. And I don't know where an ex who wasn't married to the mum might stand. I suspect he probably has no rights but it might help to have the reality set out by a solicitor so he can really see how precarious his situation is.

If this is a complete impossibility, then he has to decide whether he's going to put his whole life on hold for a child he has no rights to parent and risk his relationship with you, or if he's going to bow out and move on.
Personally I'd not want to stay in a relationship with a man who was going to drop everything and always put me second, whenever the ex called. It would make it impossible to plan a life. You need to really talk to him about how he sees things panning out when you guys are married and if you have children.

AclowncalledAlice · 19/06/2022 19:04

OH and ex didn't get along well as she brought a lot of men around the child, the drink and weed etc, taking the child to parties etc

This screams safeguarding issues to me. Is there anyone he can contact to ensure the child is safe if he is no longer around?

QuandaleDingle · 19/06/2022 19:11

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:12

You won't like hearing this but I always think it's odd when a man wants to see children that aren't biologically his. Does he pay maintenance for her?

This is an interesting comment and part of me agrees ....however

I have a son from a prev relationship and I got with dh when he was one and I now have 2 other dc with current dh

if dh and I ever broke up i wonder if he'd want to still see my son, as he'd obvs be seeing our joint dc. it would seem odd for him never to see my son again when he's known him since he was a baby.

QuandaleDingle · 19/06/2022 19:12

In answer to the op though this poor little girls mum is weaponising her and taking advantage of your dps love for her

It's very sad but I think he needs to walk away

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/06/2022 19:37

A few things stand out.

You can’t be that serious about him, despite planning to marry him, to consider just walking away from him for the sake of two people completely unrelated to you.

You've never lived with him, have a child of your own who’s never lived with him, you’re insane to marry before cohabiting. It’s a completely different dynamic and one you won’t have a chance to test first.

You claim to be friends with his ex while describing her as a druggie and an alcoholic, a manipulative and immature woman with bad taste in men, grabby and financially irresponsible and generally a shit mum. Why would you ever be friends with someone like that?! She’s your boyfriend’s, she’s nothing to do with.

HairyScaryMonster · 19/06/2022 19:38

I think he needs to downgrade, he is an oddity that's hard to explain and with a consistent partner he's not 'needed'. If he'd been in her life longer I might say differently but she's young, will come to accept it and it stops ex using him and messing them both around.

Tandora · 19/06/2022 19:44

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:12

You won't like hearing this but I always think it's odd when a man wants to see children that aren't biologically his. Does he pay maintenance for her?

This is such a sad and wrong sentiment. Makes my blood boil a little tbh. Biology doesn’t define love.

OP in this situation it sounds like you OH may have to let go as his ex is playing games and he has no legal rights. It must be hard
x

lioncitygirl · 19/06/2022 19:49

It honestly doesn’t sound like your that serious about him if you can walk away so easily.

IMO - he needs to let the little girl go. The mother will never stop using her as a weapon.

ExQuestion1 · 19/06/2022 19:50

I think he needs to let go and focus on his future.

It's sad but he has no rights. She's not his child and he could end up wasting his life at the mercy of an ex girlfriend who throws him scraps of contact whenever she wants something.

personally I think this is why it's not a good idea to play mum or dad to children who aren't yours or who you haven't adopted. You could never see them again if things go south. It's not just your poor OH but the child too.

Georgeskitchen · 19/06/2022 19:52

What a sad situation and your DP sounds lovely to care so much for a child that is biologically not his, but unfortunately he needs to make up his mind apply for a parental rights order or walk away
Difficult choice but for his, yours and the child's sake, he needs to act sooner rather than later

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 19:52

DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:12

You won't like hearing this but I always think it's odd when a man wants to see children that aren't biologically his. Does he pay maintenance for her?

So if he brought the child up as his own, it's odd that he'd want to still see them after a breakup?

You can only care for biological children? Who knew?

Applesandroses · 19/06/2022 20:48

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2022 19:52

So if he brought the child up as his own, it's odd that he'd want to still see them after a breakup?

You can only care for biological children? Who knew?

Show quote history

Its a crappy comment isnt it

One of my friends is married to a man who has continued to parent both children with his ex wife. One is biologically his one isn't. He is a great father to both of them, I genuinely didn't realise for years until a random comment was made that the elder son wasnt his. The sons life would have been a lot poorer without him in his life.

Herejustforthisone · 19/06/2022 20:55

What a mess. All of it. And the poor children at the centre.

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